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HISTORICAL AND HDMORODS SKETCHES 

OF THE 

Donkey, Horse and Bicycle. 


THE BICYCLE VIEWED FROM FOUR 
STANDPOINTS : 

ANATOMICAL, PHISIOLOGICAL, SOCIOLOGICAL, 

AND FINANCIALLY. 


ALSO AN 


fILLEGORY DM THE BICYCLE RDpD TD. HELL. 

THE VEIL OF VICES STRIPPED. 


WITH NUMEROUS ANECDOTES AND REMINISCENCES 

OF BYGONE DAYS. 


By dr. C: E. NASH, 

LITTLE ROCK, ARK. 



LITTLE ROCK, ARK.: 

Press of Tunnah & Pittard, 
1896. 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1896, 

By C. E. NASH, 

In the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C^ 


PREFACE. 


I have written this hook without consulting 
anyone. Why I wrote it I cannot tell, hut sup- 
pose I was writing something for the improve- 
ment of my readers. I had no motive to fame 
or fortune, no idea of thrashing my readers into 
my line of thought, or playing the .mentor, — 
simply to give my own views on the leading 
questions of religion, science, morals and man- 
ners as I have found them. If I have used 
strong language, it is not because I wished to 
depart from the standard of polite literature, 
hut to make myself understood hy the average 
reader. 

CRITICS. 

“ Must I give way to your rash choler ? Shall 
I he frightened when a madman stares ? ” Must 
I he afraid of the bicycle stare? In answer to 
critics, I would relate an anecdote told of some 
raftsmen who were floating a large raft of logs 
down the Mississippi river in early days. 


4 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

’Tis this : A number of men being on the raft, 
in the month of September, when the mosqui- 
toes were much thicker than the leaves of val- 
lambrosia, collecting in great numbers around 
the men’s heads and arms. While they were a 
fighting furiously for life, one man, more daring 
than the rest, said : “ I will bet five dollars that 
I can get nude and stand the biting of the mos- 
quitoes one hour, with my eyes shut, without/ 
moving a muscle, if you will keep off the ‘ gal- 
nipers.’” The bet was taken and the man 
complied with the conditions. He was about 
to win the bet, when the stakeholder struck the 
ashes from his cigar and touched it to his fore- 
head. He jumped up and exclaimed, “Gal- 
nippers, by God! ” and claimed the bet. If the 
critics will keep off the galnippers — “literary 
monstrosities ” — I will take the bet that I can 
stand the mosquitoes — honest critics — at least 
one hour, if they will not knock the ashes off 
of the cigar. 

We would not undertake to say but that 
some of the purest and best class, of women 
are riding bicycles ; some of the most cul- 
tured and refined ladies are indulging in 
what they consider a refining exercise. Their 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 5 

endorsement has led to nntold liberties, their 
sanction to immoralities of which they are 
ignorant. A sanction of an evil by the good 
gives double force to the evil. The motive for 
writing this book is to try to improve the mor- 
als and manners of those who stand in the way 
of good manners and right living, not by a pro- 
gressive but a retrogressive movement. The 
woman who has a lawful child can say, “Blest 
be the tie that binds our hearts in filial love.” 

My critics may call it a crazy quilt if they 
desire, and I shall feel highly complimented, as 
this quilt, in days of yore, was the handsomest, 
the most artistic and most valuable of all quilts, 
it being made of the finest silk and satin rem- 
nants that could be procured. All colors, shapes 
and sizes of fabrics went into this quilt, and it 
was sewed together by the softest and nimblest 
fingers of the prettiest and sweetest of our old 
young ladies and mas, many of them selling 
at from three hundred to five hundred dollars. 
I know of one now that has been handed down 
to the third generation, and is as beautiful as 
when first made, retaining all of its colors with- 
out the shadow of change. Or they may call 
it Gen. Winfield Scott’s “hasty plate of soup,” 


6 


Historical and Humorous Sketches 


if they so desire. I will not get angry at 
any epithets they may choose to use, as I am 
standing on the broken arches of life ready to 
stumble through at any time — 72 years. 


C. E. Nash. 


DONKEY. 


We will first introduce to your acquaintance 
the donkey, as modern literature styles him. 
Perhaps he may claim priority over the horse, 
as by some historians he is said to have been 
first known as a useful animal ; other historians 
think the horse was known as early ; but all 
historians agree that both were created at the 



time all other things were made. With this 
simple introductory for the donkey, I will no- 
tice him historically. 

Asinus, a well known quadruped, usually 
referred by naturalists to the same genus 
with the horse, but which it has recently 
been attempted to make the type of a 


8 Historical and Hu7norous Sketches 

distinct genus (asinus), including all the 
solid hoofed quadrupeds, except the horse it- 
self. The distinction is founded on the short 
hair of the upper part of the tail, and the tuft 
at the end of it, the darker stripes with 
which the color is marked, and the absence of 
the hard bony warts which are found on the 
hinder legs of the horse. The Mexican donkey 
has these warts, though not nearly so well de- 
veloped as in the horse or Mexican mustang, 
although the fore legs exhibit warts in a simi- 
lar position. 

The long ears of the donkey are one of 
the characteristics of the species ; but they 
are longer in domestication than in a wild 
state. It is usually also distinguished by a 
black cross over the shoulders, formed by a 
longitudinal and a transverse streak, the gen- 
eral color being grey ; but when the color is 
darker or lighter than usual, the cross is often 
less apparent, or to be observed with difficulty. 
This obliteration of the color perhaps depends 
^ upon the climate, as it is more observable in 
animals bred in the hot climate. The grey 
color often fades into bay, black or brown. 
The facial line is arched. 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, 9 

Some uncertainty still exists as to the 
origin of the domestic donkey, a number 
of wild races having been described, some 
of which are perhaps, like the wild horses 
of America, the progeny of animals that 
have escaped from domestication. The prob- 
ability however appears to be that the don- 
key is a native of Central Asia, where it is 
found in a perfectly wild state, in Tartary, 
Mesopotamia, Persia, on the banks of the In- 
dus, and even to the southern extremity of 
Hindustan ; but its range does not extend so 
far northward as that of the wild horse, a 
circumstance which may perhaps partly ac- 
count for the inferiority of the domestic donkey 
in northern climates. This also may account 
for the larger size of these animals in the 
southern portion of the United States. They 
stand the hot tropical sun much better than the 
horse. Its better development is attributable 
to the rich esculent grasses and more liberal 
supply of fresh, pure water, in comparison to 
the salt water of its native country. The 
kiang, another species of donkey, resembles 
the horse more than any other, for it neighs, 
while the other brays. In the south we have 


lO 


Historical and Humorous Sketches 


the braying kind, as will be testified further 
on. The harshness of the voice of the donkey 
is ascribed to two small peculiar cavities situ- 
ated at the bottom of the larynx. 

The allusion to the wild ass in the Old 
Testament, and particularly in Job 39:5-8, 
naturally excites the surprise of readers 
acquainted with the dull domestic drudge, 
the emblem of patience and stolidity; but 
to this day they are beautifully appropriate 
to the wild ass. Balaam’s ass was one of 
these docile creatures, for he did not resent 
the injury infiicted upon him by his irate 
owner of the wilderness, which has the barren 
land or salt places for its dwelling, and the 
range of the mountain for its pasture. The 
wild ass has longer legs and carries its head 
higher than the domestic ass. Its troops have 
always a leader. It is a high spirited animal, 
very fieet and very wary, trying to the utmost 
the powers of the hunter. If the ass of this 
country is a descendant of the wild ass here 
spoken of, it has degenerated as much as man : 
for we are told that the inhabitants of the wil- 
derness were stout, strong, tall men, and that 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, ii 

the Israelites were as grasshoppers compared 
to them. 

From Judges 5:10 we learn that at a very 
early period the great were accustomed to 
ride upon a white ass, and a preference is 
given to them in the East to this day. It would 
seem that the ass is not to be despised, as he 
is of royal origin, being the first animal noticed 
by ancient writers. The Queen of Sheba rode 
upon a white ass to see King Solomon, but she 
rode upon a side saddle, though not constructed 
like ours of modern date ; but in all pictures 
we have seen of females riding, they rode side- 
wise. This would be considered as much out 
of place nowadays as our old grandma’s sun- 
bonnet. The obstinacy ascribed to the ass 
seems to be very generally the result of ill 
treatment, and proverbial as it has become for 
stupidity, it is probably quite equal in intelli- 
gence to the horse. 

There are two hybrids between the ass 
and the horse. The mule, bred between 
the male ass and the mare, and the hinny, 
the offspring of the horse and the female 
ass. The hinny is oftener found in Mexico and 
Texas than any other portion of the United 


12 


Historical and Humorous Sketches 


States. It is a beautiful little animal, with 
ears short like the horse, and long tail and 
mane. The body is round, legs small and 
bony. In habits it partakes more of the ass 
than the horse, being slow and fond of rough 
diet. The mule is by far the best cross, as it 
partakes more of the habits of the horse, but 
less of the likeness. It is one of the most use- 
ful animals employed in the southern states. 
It grows to a good size, and is noted for its 
strength and action. It is used in preference 
to the horse on large cotton plantations, and is 
much healthier and longer lived. The hinny 
was found to be too slow for the white man, 
and the horse too fast for the negro. So the 
mule was invented for the negro, and he has 
been using him ever since, and claims that as 
the negro is freed so he should be, and let the 
two species of animals return to their own 
tribe. As the negro did not get his forty acres 
and a mule, the mule goes unpossessed by the 
negro, and is therefore free without a ballot. 

The mule is a highly intelligent animal. So 
thought Dan Rice when he selected him to ex- 
hibit the tricks he had taught him. Dan ap- 
preciated the mule more than his brother wit, 


of the Donkey^ Horse afid Bicycle. 13 

Sam Jones, for Sam Jones said it bad no right 
to be proud of its ancestry or its posterity. It 
would seem from what Mark Twain in his 
‘‘Puddhihead Wilson ’’ says of the ass, that he 
does not agree with Sam Jones, for he says : 
“ The ass is the ideal of all that is industrious, 
patient and faithful. He has been much mis- 
understood, but he is resolute, determined, and 
Tigorously resents an insult. Still, strangely 
enough, when we are compared to an ass, we 
are left in doubt.” 

HIS USEFULNESS IN COMMERCE. 

The milk of the ass contains more sugar of 
milk and less casein than that of the cow, and 
therefore is recommended as a nutritious diet 
in cases of weak digestion. Its usefulness in 
cases of consumption has been long known, and 
it was often prescribed as a kind of specific 
when that disease was treated on principles 
very different from those which regulate its 
treatment now, and when very nutritious food 
was not usually prescribed to consumptive pa- 
tients. The leather called shagreen is made 
from the skin of the ass, by a peculiar process, 
which also affords excellent leather for shoes. 


14 Historical a7id Humorous Sketches 

and the best material for drums. You see he 
is a martial animal. He is also a musician, for 
his bones were used by the ancients for mak- 
ing flutes. 

We will now bring the ass or donkey down 
to modern times, by relating a circumstance 
of how he contributed to the enjoyment of the 
boys of Little Rock. 

Several years ago a large number of donkeys 
were shipped from Mexico to Arkansas, and as 
Little Rock is the capital of the state — larger 
sales could be made — many of them found their 
way into this city. Some of them were beau- 
tiful creatures of various colors — white, black, 
red — others of a mixed color called “ circus 
horse,” or calico color. The distinguishing 
feature of these little animals was their white 
noses, long ears, thick chubby head, and long 
hair. A quality possessed by them in a high 
degree was slothfulness. Their hoofs were 
small, steep, and always black, the black 
hoof and white nose presenting quite a con- 
trast. As before said there was a large num- 
ber of them. Every boy in Little Rock who 
could raise five or ten dollars purchased one of 
them. Numbers of them could be seen stand- 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, 15 

ing before the saddlers’ shops getting rigged 
out with beautiful little saddles and bridles. 
Every saddler had a broad grin on his face, for 
he was turning his cowhides rapidly into ca- 
parisons for these animals at remunerative 
prices. He could go home at night and carry 
a good sized beefsteak, sufficient for all the 
family, night and morning, and it was paid for. 

The donkeys thus equipped were ready for 
their riders. The boys mount, and expect the 
donkey to partake of their enthusiasm, and 
start off, if not “ John Gilpin ” like, at least 
horse like. The boy urges the brute to start, 
but he is not ready ; the boy applies both heels 
vigorously at his sides, but this only makes 
him back his ears. The boy dismounts and 
goes into the shop and purchases a whip or 
cowhide. He mounts again and urges the 
brute to start. He refuses. The boy applies 
the lash, but to no purpose, for the more he 
tried to propel him forward, the faster he went 
backward. So he was unable to move him 
from the shop. The donkey feeling himself so 
handsomely arrayed did not care to exhibit 
himself on the street to be laughed at, and 
make a fool of himself, remembering that in 


1 6 Historical and Hu77iorous Sketches 

ancient days he was used only by kings and 
queens at their most brilliant entertainments. 
He had not learned that in Little Rock all men 
and women were kings and queens, and all 
boys were of royal birth. But the boy, nothing 
daunted, with the ingenuity of his mother, and 
the invention of his father, puts one boy in 
front, himself in the saddle, and two boys be- 
hind to whip. This was a little too much for 
the docile creature’s patience to stand. He 
moves off slowly, but unwillingly. This pull- 
ing and whipping process had to be kept up 
until the boy reached home. If he got home 
before dinner or supper he was fortunate : you 
bet they all had a splendid appetite, nor did 
any of them complain for the want of exercise. 

The donkey is now put in the stable, the first 
time he ever saw one, and given a feed of oats 
and bran. The food was so much better than 
the dry mesquite grass of his native heath, 
that he gives to his jaws a much quicker mo- 
tion than he had given to his legs. The boys 
caught the idea at once, and concluded to carry 
food in front of him and apply the lash behind. 
The plan perfected, they start next morning to 
make a few hours travel and show off their 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 17 

'beautiful little animals to their grandmas, 
aunts and sweethearts ; but when they arrived 
at the first house, they were compelled to stay 
all day, for the donkey concluded he was in- 
vited to dine, so refused to return until after he 
had enjoyed his repast. 

There is another peculiarity, known only 
to the rooster, and that is the habit of 
waking at a certain hour in the morning. 
The donkey wakes a short time before day- 
light, and with that peculiar sound known 
or practiced by no other creature in the uni- 
verse, arouses all in the city. The one at 
the east end of the city commencing first, and 
with his loud, sonorous squeaking voice, pro- 
claims that day is approaching. As the sound 
dies away his nearest neighbor takes it up, and 
so it passes from one to another, until all have 
had their bray — just as our political asses have 
before the primaries meet. One of these 
little animals fell into the hands of my neigh- 
bor’s bo3^ It was amusing to see the boy go- 
ing through the exercises above mentioned, and 
wife and I had man}?' a laugh ; but when next 
morning came, and the baby was frightened 
out of its wits, and screamed as though it 


1 8 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

would take a spasm, the joy was turned into 
grief, and the scream into mourning. The 
mother cries out : “ She cannot stand that noise 
any longer. You must complain to Mr. D. and 
have that animal removed as a nuisance, and 
if he refuses, the police must be notified, and 
his removal compelled.” 

The request was made by the father, and 
on Mr. D.’s refusal to take any action in 
the matter, adding that the law of “ Chil- 
dren obey your parents ” had been changed 
so as to read, “Parents obey your chil- 
dren.” If you had seen me trying to quiet 
that baby you would have thought so too. The 
next turn was to get hold of it through the police. 
The father goes to the police, and with tears in 
his eyes states his grievance. The chief says: 
“ There is no ordinance for the arrest of such 
offenders, and none declaring it a nuisance. 
I am powerless to do anything for you.” 
“ Then I will apply to the board of health,” 
said the father, “ and say to them, ‘ If this nuis- 
ance is not abated every child in the city will 
become epileptic, and that would be worse 
than smallpox, and as they have the power to 
quarantine against this terrible disease, they 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, 19 

should have the same power to abate nuis- 
ances.’ ” The father, confident in his logic, ap- 
plies to the president of the board, and receives 
this reply : “ Donkeys have never been de- 

clared nuisances by any board of health; 
neither has their breath been declared infec- 
tious, nor their sound any more frightful than 
the thunder gust.” He fails to get relief any- 
where, and the boys continue to ride the 
donkeys, until weary and worn by the too great 
exercise of their hands and feet, they laid them 
aside or sold them to the negro boys in the 
suburbs of the city, who have more time and 
space for the amusement. 

It will be seen by this description of the 
donkey that he was a useful animal in more 
ways than one. He furnished employment 
for the saddler, blacksmith and farmer, made 
it unnecessary to have gymnasiums or work- 
ing houses for boys, or health resorts. He 
also took the place of the Roman Catholic 
bell, calling their people to early mass ; 
and the boys needed no curfew bell to send 
them to sleep, they were worried enough when 
night came to keep off the street. The doctors 
sustained the greatest loss by these little health 


20 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

producers : they had no fractured limbs to dress, 
nor dyspepsia to treat, no sculls to trephine, 
nor hemorrhage to staunch. The girls did not 
want to ride on the donkeys : they were too 
slow, or perhaps it was considered vulgar at 
that time for girls to ride astride, or maybe 
they were too sympathetic in their natures to 
apply the lash. Wouldn’t it have been safer 
for them to have ridden the donkeys astride 
than the bycicle ? Before dismissing the don- 
key, will relate a circumstance at a church. 
There was a smart Alex in the congregation 
who said to the preacher that he could take 
no text in the Bible, which he could not reply 
to. On the next Sabbath the minister took the 
text, “ The wild ass snulfeth the east wind,” 
asking if he could reply to that. “ Sir, it would 
take him a long time to get his satisfaction.” 

As we are on anecdotes, will relate one told 
us by a Presbyterian preacher : 

An old farmer was in the habit of taking his 
produce to a certain college. The students, 
fuller of mischief than books, concluded to post 
themselves on the road at certain distances 
and try the old man on his wit. On passing the 
hrst he addressed him thus, ‘‘Good morning. 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 21 

father Abraham.’’ He replied, I am not Abra- 
ham.” Passing to the second he said, “Good 
morning, father Isaac.” He replied, “lam not 
Isaac.” The third cries out lustiiy, “Good 
morning, father Jacob.” He answered, “lam 
neither Abraham, Isaac or Jacob, but Saul, the 
son of Kish, looking for my father’s asses, of 
whom I have found three.” 

In olden times the ass was held in high 
estimation by the ancients. We read in the 
Bible that at one time he was possessed of 
the power of speech. Balaam’s ass chode 
him for not passing the angel that stood 
in his path with a drawn sword. The eyes of 
the ass were keener than Balaam’s, for he saw 
the angel, while Balaam did not; but afterwards 
as it passed before him, he repented himself of 
his unjust and cruel treatment. This power of 
speech was the most distinguished honor ever 
conferred on an animal, and this only once. 

“With lantern jaws and solemn face, 

Your figure loosely hung and slack; 

An ass-head with a lolling tongue, 

Your’e like a boy’s dancing jack. 

So put your visage out of sight 
And hide your ugly ears away; 

For all who meet you in the street, 

Expect at once to hear you bray.” 


THE HORSE. 


A well known, simple hoofed, non-ruminating 
quadruped, constituting the soliped family of 
Cuvier’s order of pachydermata ; and in Prof. 
Owen’s system the family solidungula of the 
order perissodactyla (odd toed), of the group 
ungulata (hoofed), and of the mammalian sub- 
class zyrenaphila (waive brained). Zoologically 



considered, the family consists of the single 
genus equus (Lin), distinguished from all other 
quadrupeds by having only one apparent toe, 
and a single solid hoof on each foot ; the pe- 
culiar construction of the mouth of the horse 
which man has availed himself of to introduce 
the bit, by which this powerful, intelligent and 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, 23 

useful animal is subjugated to his uses. The 
different species of the equus, as the zebras 
and the asses, so resemble each other in out- 
ward form and internal economy that the de- 
scription of the typical species, the horse, will 
answer for all. With the exception of a few 
structural peculiarities, they are so nearly re- 
lated to each other that they will breed to- 
gether, producing more or less fertile hybrids, 
as has been shown in the case of the mare and 
the jack. The cross between the two species 
with zebra, is said to be prolific. The chest of 
the horse is capacious, compressed latterly in 
front, and prolonged in advance of the first rib, 
so as to resemble somewhat the thorax of a 
bird. He has eighteen pair of ribs, twelve ribs 
more than a man. The muscular system of the 
horse is very different from that of man, and 
has been described minutely in treatises on 
veterinary medicine. The spinal muscles are 
of great extent and strength, especially in the 
neck and tail, which admit of much precision 
and grace of motion. The barbarous treat- 
ment of cutting the mane and tail of the horse 
should be prohibited. It is quite as foolish as 
cutting the hair from the head of a beautiful 


24 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

woman; the length and luster of which was 
considered the beauty and glory of the woman. 

The hoof of the horse presents an admirable 
adaptation to secure solidity and elasticity, as 
an instrument of progression. In the triangu- 
lar space in the center of the foot is an elastic 
horny mass, called the frog. The eyes of the 
horse are large, and the sight excellent, and 
capable of distinguishing object^ at night 
without the aid of electricity. Indeed horses 
would prefer that the streets were not lighted 
up, as it obstructs their view. The ears are 
very large and movable, and the sense of hear- 
ing acute, as in other timid defenseless animals. 
I once saw a man that could move his ears 
backward and forward with as much facility as 
the horse. The sense of smell is also acute, as 
seen in the selection of food, and in the recog- 
nition of their masters. The cutaneous sense 
is very fine and the tactile powers of their mov- 
able lips excellent. When speaking of the 
movability of the horse’s ears, Darwin declared 
that all human ears were originally movable. 
He says persons are occasionally found who 
still retain this power. All the intelligent an- 
atomists agree that the two muscles controlling 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, 25 

the motion of the ears, atrahens and retrehens, 
are found in a rudimentary state in the human 
being, but they are not and never have been of 
sufficient strength to move the ear. Monstrosi- 
ties occur in all vegetable and animal life ; but 
Adamson says a monstrosity never changes 
the name or affects the immutability of the 
species. 

The food of the horse is exclusively veg- 
etable, in a state of nature. The disposi- 
tion of the horse is naturally gentle and confi- 
dent, which qualities have made it the most 
useful of all animals in the arts of peace and 
war. Occasionally an animal is vicious, either 
naturally or from bad treatment in youth. It 
is bold however in the defense of its young. 
An instance of its boldness I will give, which 
came under the observation of many persons. 
At a season of the year when the bank of the 
Mississippi river was falling in by large pieces 
of earth being detached from the main land, a 
mare was grazing close to the edge of the river. 
Her colt standing on one of these slides went 
into the stream. It swam for awhile, and the 
mother finding it could not ascend the perpen- 
dicular bank, ran back a few rods and sprang 


26 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

into the river. Going- ahead of the colt she 
conducted it to a sloping hank, where they 
could ascend with ease. This seems miracu- 
lous, hut it is true. We have horses varying 
in size from the Shetland pony to the Flanders 
dray horse ; and in proportions from the thor- 
ough hred racer to the Canadian coh, with every 
variety of color. So we find great diversity in 
their moral qualities. Some are hold, intelli- 
gent, or good natured, and others timid, stupid, 
or cross, and hy care, or from neglect, each of 
these qualities become the characteristic of a 
race. 

In speaking of the intelligence of the horse, 
we will give an instance, which surpasses 
Instinct. An old mare, now nineteen years old, 
was raised from a colt on milk (its mother hav- 
ing died), in the yard of a mansion, where the 
children played in the evening. This colt he- 
came restless from its imprisonment, and 
learned to unlatch the yard gate. No latch 
could he put on that gate which she could not 
open with her teeth. When she was two years 
old she was put in the harnyard, and then 
handled with a view of breaking her to har- 
ness. She learned to open the door to the feed 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 27 

room, and get into the feed. This door was 
closed by hook and hasp. It was found neces- 
sary to lock the door, and a padlock was pro- 
cured. If the door was fastened, and the key 
left in the lock, she could turn the key with 
her teeth, take the lock out of the hasp, throw 
it on the ground and enter the feed room. The 
pound man can testify to this statement, as he 
could not keep her in his own pound. The mis- 
tress of this animal will ask her if she want 
water when she comes to the pump ; and if 
she is thirsty she will whicker. On being asked 
if she wants salt, she will lick out her tongue. 
This animal learned these tricks by herself, 
and some of them were a great annoyance and 
expense to her owners ; they would prefer she 
was not so highly educated. This narrative is 
admissible here, as the educated horse found 
his way into the different encyclopedias. 

The horse rarely lives to a greater age than 
thirty years, and is not serviceable for speed or 
very hard work for more than half this period. 
In the tropical climates the horse is unfit for 
either work or speed after twelve years. Nor is 
he so long lived as in northern climates. Query: 
Is this because he was found further north than 


28 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

any of the quadrupeds ? In compact form, ele- 
gance of proportion, and grace of movement,^ 
combining speed and strength, he is surpassed 
by no animal. Sculptors and painters have 
made the horse the subject of their chisels and 
pencils. Poets, sacred and secular, have sung 
its praises from time immemorial. The horse 
is not only the most useful animal while livings 
but almost every part is useful to man after 
death. His skin is valuable for gloves, his 
hair for making cloth, his bones for buttons 
and for grinding into fertilizers. His flesh as 
food for hounds if not for man. He is not eaten 
by man in the United States, but preferred in 
France to beef. Large quantities were killed, 
packed and shipped from the western states to 
that country, the introduction of the bycicle 
into the large eastern cities destroying the 
trade and reducing the price of these animals 
so low that they would not bring transporta- 
tion charges. His hoofs are used for making 
glue, and his intestines for the manufacture of 
delicate, membraneous tissues. The scientiflc 
doctors of late have come to the rescue of the 
horse raisers, and are using him in scientiflc 
work. His blood has been found better than 


of the Do 7 ikey^ Hof'se and Bicycle. 29 

any other animal for making toxines and anti- 
toxines. Through him the serum theraphy is 
to be perfected. He is not so valuable for vivi- 
section as the rabbit, perhaps from his higher 
price. The time may come when all labor may 
be performed by machines, and then his and 
the donkey’s price may be on a par with the 
rabbit, at the rate of sixteen to one ; so that 
the horse, said in ancient fable to have been 
created b}^ Neptune as the animal most useful 
to man, can safely lay claim both living and 
dead to being of the greatest value to the hu- 
man race. In view of all these facts, can the 
bycicle displace the horse ? We think not. 

Most countries have peculiar breeds of horses, 
adapted to the climate and wants of the region. 
In the deserts of Arabia we find a horse re- 
markable for tieetness, endurance and docility. 
The Arabian horse has been described under 
that title. Its blood by intermixture has been 
made to improve other races of all sizes and 
constitutions, producing the breeds most highly 
valued both in Europe and America. The 
horses of the Quirinal, like several other early 
Greek representations, are mere ponies by com- 
parison with the human figure. In the friezes 


30 Historical a 7 id Humorous Sketches 

of the Parthenon, though mounted, they are 
yet small. In the Indian countries to the far 
north, these animals do not grow to a greater 
height than a very large spaniel dog. We 
have seen several that a six foot man could 
not stride, without his feet touching the ground, 
and these were not in menageries or circuses. 
The ancients, however, who seem usually to have 
ridden without a saddle, do not appear to have 
known the use of the stirrup. If the ancients 
discovered the necessity of having a saddle 
with stirrup for prudential reasons, why is it 
not of the same use, for the same purpose in 
the hycicle. The Parthians were among the 
most famous of ancient horsemen, and in battle 
with the Romans were exceedingly efficient as 
archers on horseback. Frequently the mounted 
steed is represented without a bridle, and the 
Numidian cavalry are said to have guided and 
restrained their horses without it. A traveler 
in Mexico tells us that the donkeys in that 
country are driven in large droves, as many as 
two hundred in number, without bridles or hal- 
ters, and that they move forward by a peculiar 
noise made by his driver ; if any turn in the 
road is to be made to the right or left, a loud, 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 31 

modulated sound is given, which is understood 
by the animals as well as a company of cav- 
alry would understand the word of command 
from the officer. These little animals he says 
are loaded down with every kind of produce. 
They transport the silver bullion from the 
mines, they are packed with merchandise, and 
are used for all domestic purposes about the 
house ; indeed they carry more freight than the 
railroads, and at much less expense. If the 
dummy bycicle were loaded down with the 
kind of freight, how far would it get in a day ? 
We think it would fall back into the snaiPs 
pace instead of having the speed of lightning. 
The occasional practice of some orientals, and 
of the wild tribes roaming over the western 
prairies of North America, renders this state- 
ment less improbable than at first sight ap- 
pears. Horses in the east are often trained to 
stop in full career at the mere voice of the 
rider ; and a Comanche Indian may be fre- 
quently seen to jump on the bare back of a 
wild and untrained horse, without bridle or 
halter, and guide him by the simple expedient 
of covering with his hand the eye of the ani- 
mal on the side opposite to that in which he 


32 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

wished to direct it. The writer saw many 
squaws of the Seminole tribe mount their 
ponies when at grass and ride them to camp 
without anything but their hand to guide them. 
They always rode bareback and sidewise. 
This was when the Seminoles were being moved 
from Florida, in 1836. 

After Yan Buren had chased them out of the 
swamp with his blood hounds, many of them 
camped on the north side of Little Bock, and it 
was here that the writer made his observations. 

In modern times, when the number of horses 
have been immeasurably increased, and when 
they have been used for different purposes by 
the most varied nations, the art of equitation 
has been proportionally developed, while its 
practice has been modified by the mere fact 
that all, or nearly all since the middle ages, 
habitually employ the saddle and the stirrup. 
The art of equitation in modern times has been 
far outstripped by the bicycle horseman, for 
he can sit on his horse and balance himself 
with great dexterity, but the horse must be 
moving; a standing horse always throws his 
rider. In order to ride this horse you must be 
|n constant motion. Grive us the animal. 


THE BICYCLE. 


RESPONSIBILITY FOR WRITING UP THE BICYCLE. 

Upon being asked to explain the meaning of 
the word ‘‘responsibility” a boy replied: 
“ Well, if both of the suspender buttons on the 
back of my trousers were hanging by single 
threads, and one of them should snap, ther’d 
be considerable responsibility on the other 



button.” When the bicyclist’s life is hanging 
on a slender chain, as it were, there’s consider- 
able ‘'responsibility ” attached to the medical 
“ button ” or “ chain ” upon which the physi- 
cian’s medical advice depends to keep the 
slender chain from snapping. 


34 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

My attempt at the description of the bicycle 
and its evil effects upon the human system is 
dictated by no prejudice or fault finding dispo- 
sition; but simply to give what I know by 
practical experience, derived from a medical 
and physiological knowledge, after a practice 
of fifty years, my observations of its social in- 
fluence from a standpoint based upon my 
knowledge of sociology. 

BICYCLE IX WAR. 

Gen. Miles said, in a subsequent speech to 
wheelmen, that the use of the bicycle for mil- 
itary purposes is one that would naturally at- 
tract the attention of every soldier. “We all 
know,’’ said Gen. Miles, “ that in military mat- 
ters, one of the principal arts in war is rapidity 
of movement — backward as well as forward — 
and the power to move troops and munitions 
of war rapidly from one part of the country to 
another. Hannibal, the master of the military 
art, was finally overcome by the rapidity of 
movement of one of the corps of the enemy 
against a portion of his army. Alexander, 
Hannibal and Cicero used horses, and Napoleon 
coaches, in moving rapidly portions of their 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 35 

corps from one part of the country to another. 
Not long ago, Lieut. Hunt, of Sheridan, and a 
few enlisted men, with hut little experience in 
riding, made a march of fifteen miles, on wheels, 
in one hour and twenty-five minutes. The men 
took one long rest, and carried the full equip- 
ments of a soldier. At the end of the ride they 
were fresh enough to make the journey hack a 
pleasure.” 

Some national guard ofiicers of rank do 
not take as hopeful a view of the service of 
bicycles in time of war as do the ranking 
ofiicers of the army. 

Perhaps some of the ofiicers might have 
heen at the battle of Pea Ridge in Arkansas 
in our civil war. Surely Gen. Miles could 
not, for I think he could never have had such 
chimerical views as he is reported to have. 
We admit bicyclists might have the advantage 
on a smooth bicycle road in a retreat, such a 
one as the first Manassas ; but we cannot think 
that an officer of Gen. Miles’ noted celebrity 
would want an army of fast retreaters. If Gen. 
Miles had been a cavalry ofiicer like Forest he 
might have discovered the fact that many a 
timid soldier had been led to a charge against 


36 Historical and Hu?norous Sketches 

his will by the valorous and impetuous horse. 
Indeed, the horse never retreats until he is 
compelled by his rid.er. The Southern horse 
and the Northern horse could identify the gray 
and the blue. Could the dummy do it? The 
horse has honor and patriotism, the dummy 
none. If the Yankees had used the bicycle in 
our late war, even as Gen. Miles proposes, 
wouldn’t the Southern soldiers have laughed at 
their credulity ? If Gen. Miles wants a fast 
retreating army to save his men, he could not 
adopt any measure so gratifying to him. 

A thousand years from now, when all the 
forests in the United States have been cleared 
up, and bicycle roads traverse the country as 
hog paths do the cane brake, we may speak of 
bicycle battles. 

If the Yankees would agree to take the fifty 
thousand cyclists and one hundred thousand 
infantry, and in a pitched battle with the 
South of half that number of infantry and 
cavalry on the Southern side, we would whip 
them out of their boots and drive them into 
the sea ; and this with Texas alone. Military 
tactics don’t alway put sand in a man’s giz- 
zard or ideas in his brain. 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 37 ^ 

When Gen. Miles conies to make his attack 
on our Texas cowboys, they will just say to 
him : “ Hear, O Miles ! ye approach this day 

unto battle against your enemies. Let not 
your heart faint ; fear not, and do not tremble ; 
neither be ye terrified because of them; for we 
fight with swift retreating bicycles, and every- 
one of you shall be saved.” Gen. Miles must 
recollect that the “ tree of the field ” is man’s 
life in battle, for the Bible says so. 

If Gen. Miles should chance to see this criti- 
cism and become irate at the language a little 
swamp doctor uses towards his superior, he 
must recollect that down here in Arkansas we 
allowed Tillman to call his superior a liar and 
a thief, yet did not tar and feather him — if we 
do live in the land of mobs and lynchings. If 
he were to send down his soldiers and arrest 
us and take us to Libby prison, Cleveland 
would release us before he went out, for we 
traipsed around through the South when he 
had his goldbug in a cage, and were shining 
the eyes of our people until they became blind, 
so they could not see a silver dollar. Why? 
Because it was not here to see. 


38 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

It has been found occasionally — we use this 
word in an ethical way, as it would be consid- 
ered indignity to use the word ‘‘generally” — 
that corporals have more of both these quali- 
ties than their leaders. 

Mrs. L. W. Coy, in her report of “Federation 
of Women’s Clubs,” in speaking of the ladies 
of Louisville, Ky., says: “I must say without 
fear of contradiction that many of the brain- 
iest, the prettiest and the handsomest women 
of the world were gathered at the Galt house ; 
for among them were young women, old wo- 
men, preacher women, doctor women, lawyer 
women and various other varieties of the new 
woman.” I suppose she intended to convey 
the idea that the bicycle woman was included 
in the “various other varieties.” 

The bicycle women in Little Rock are cer- 
tainly indignant at the classification, as they 
should have been “first upon the roll of honor.” 
Mrs. Coy would not have been so remiss had 
the convention met here. Bicycle women are 
carrying the day, and bicycle men are seeing 
fair play. 


39 


of the Donkey,, Horse and Bicycle. 

Literary Digest,^ June 13, 1896 : 

“ The bicycle is now accused of responsibility 
for the depression in various lines of business. 
The New York Sun finds horsemen, theatrical 
managers, cigar store keepers, dry goods mer- 
chants, confectioners and other tradesmen com- 
plaining of the loss of trade among the people 
who are saving up their money to buy wheels. 
On the other hand, one of the largest manu- 
factories of athletic sundries tells the New 
York Herald that members of every trade find 
it advantageous to invest money in one of the 
many necessary adjuncts to the bicycle ‘pas- 
time,’ — note the word used by its friends, — the 
leather men, goods men, shoemakers, glove 
makers, watchmakers, woodworkers, cork cut- 
ters, etc.,* all having special classes of goods to 
furnish in connection with the wheel. 

“The capital thus invested, outside the actual 
manufacture of bicycles, is estimated at from 
twenty million to thirty million. W^e quote 
other interesting figures from the Herald,, giv- 
ing an idea of the extent of the new industry, 
and a number of editorial comments on its in- 

* He puts the words “so forth” as did Gen. Taylor in the expression, 
“the rest of mankind;” thinking that his bicycle fad “embraced the 
whole world and the rest of mankind.”— Author. 


4 © Historical and Humorous Sketches 

lluence in business. Fifty million to seventy 
million a year spent for bicycles ” — and here 
the New YotTc Herald throws np its hands in 
astonishment to know that there are one mil- 
lion of fools in the United States, and that they 
are multiplying by a hundred-fold ratio every 
year. If our American women do not go to 
breeding better stock than this, it will not take 
sixty-five years to become all fools. 

Large ideas sometimes revolve in small 
brains. Like the precious metals that are 
found deep buried in poor earth, they have 
more than a supeficial value. The question 
from the New York Herald revolved in my 
mind more than a year ago, as many of my 
friends can testify, but it would have had no 
weight, even had it been printed over my sig- 
nature in that widely read, extremely conserv- 
ative journal. But the drift of my whole 
argument will be to show that the bicycle pro- 
duces nothing but ill health and poverty to the 
masses. 

“Traveling men are coming home from all 
directions with the complaint that people will 
not buy anything but bicycles. We are not 
aware that there are any statistics on the sub- 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 41 

ject, but guesses in those quarters where 
guessing is most likely to have some solid 
foundation, put the number of wheels sold at 
half a million in 1894, and three-fourths of a 
million in 1895, while there are estimates of a 
million machines to be sold this year. The 
average cost to the users of these cannot 
be less than sixty dollars, and very probably 
exceeds that. The diversion of anywhere from 
fifty to seventy millions of dollars in a year 
from the clothing, the jewelry, and dry goods 
trades, and other lines of business catering to 
comfort and luxury, and to a certain extent to 
real needs also, will account for a good deal of 
dullness of trade and a good deal of dimin- 
ished requirements on the part of retail mer- 
chants. The bicycle manufacturers and deal- 
ers have not complained of hard times. They 
are too busy to think about the currency or 
watch for an exchange. In spite of the vast 
numbers of them, they are able to keep their 
prices up very well. The demand absorbs all 
the one hundred dollar machines that can be 
made, in spite of the extensive manufacture of 
cheaper machines, even the cheapest of which, 
it is safe to say, afford an extremely wide mar- 


4 2 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

gin of profit, to be divided between the man- 
ufacturer and the dealer. 

“ But at the present rate every person in the 
Tinted States desirous of riding must soon be 
equipped with a wheel, and then the demand 
for dresses, bonnets, watches and miscellaneous 
comforts and luxuries will become normal 
again.” 

This is a tacit acknowledgment that the 
bicycle is abnormal — we think a monstros- 
ity. Merchants in Little Rock are offering to 
give wheels to anyone who will buy their 
goods at cost price, as all the marginal money 
has been spent for wheels. Blacksmiths, gun- 
smiths, watchmakers, horse raisers, gardeners, 
produce men, tailors and dressmakers are all 
offering like bargains. Doctors are willing to 
discount their bills at one hundred per cent, 
and take bicycles at cost for their pay. So 
you see that neither gold or silver is currency 
here. Bicycles are the only things that have 
any attraction for the goldbug. 

We quote a few lines from the Press ^ Phila- 
delphia : 

“ Bicycles in this country, the Journal of 
Commerce estimates, absorb this year about 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 43 

«ixty million, and, taking the basis of its fig- 
ures, this doesn’t seem an over estimate. The 
marginal expenditure of the country is being 
poured into this one channel. Bicycles are re- 
ceiving what was spent on jewelry, extra cloth- 
ing, new furniture, musical instruments — as 
pianos — and the entire range of objects on 
which families spend the margin they can 
spare from the necessities of life. 

“All the trades mentioned are suffering and 
bicycle manufacturers are benefiting. At this 
the effect of the new craze stops, where 
the general public is not educated to the wild 
craze in stocks familiar in England. There 
bicycle manufactories and bicycle patents 
have been made the basis of new companies, 
whose shares — sold at from twenty-five cents or 
a shilling to a pound or five dollars — have been 
thrown on the market. Speculation in these 
shares has taken possession of all classes. If 
it does America no good in politics, religion or 
morals, it may stop the abnormal speculation 
in futures on cotton.” 

It is an evil wind that blows no one any 
good, but the cyclone of St. Louis would be 
far preferable to cyclone bicycle. 


44 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

The Free Press ^ Detroit, a Democratic vehicle: 

“ The bicycle is as Democratic as one could 
wish. Its use is confined to no class, and no 
manipulation either of shares in factories or of 
prices by trusts can ever make it anything else. 
The head of the house goes out in the evening 
for a spin, and meets not only the working 
man returning from his daily toil, and the mes- 
senger boy compelled at a rate of speed which 
has taken all the fun out of the allusions in 
the comic papers to his snail-like movements, 
but very likely his coachman and his cook as 
well, and they become so accustomed to it that 
they no longer feel any surprise. 

‘‘Upon the bicycle, if nowhere else, all are 
equals, if they can keep out of each other’s 
way. It is not cheering, of course, to reflect 
that all this does militate in a certain way 
against trade, but the result is one which must 
be accepted, just as we have had to accept 
similar results before. 

“It is an historical fact that the systems of 
electrical illumination now in vogue have come 
into prominence not because they are cheaper 
than the candle, oil or gas light, but because 
of the growing tendency of civilization to de- 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 45 

mand increased comforts rather than a de- 
crease in the cost of obtaining them. No one 
will deny that the horse is miich cheaper, more 
durable and comfortable than the bicycle — in 
elegance of style, in graceful movements, im- 
parting animation to his rider because he has 
life to impart, while the dummy has none. Then 
isn’t it better to develop a native fact than to 
use a speculative fad ? 

“ The public has looked on with too much 
equinamity already upon this craze, as they are 
about to be brought to grief. All fads create 
a sensation for a time, but they do not affect 
serious minded people of any class very deeply, 
and are generally barren of results.” 

CONCLUSION OF BICYCLE FAD. 

The people of the farm and the work shop 
view on the one hand great wealth, a few liv- 
ing in luxurious mansions, giving costly enter- 
tainments, wearing fortunes in diamonds, rid- 
ing behind fine horses, and otherwise making 
an ostentatious display ; while by their side 
are poodle dogs that are better fed than many 
of the virtuous poor. In all these displays of 
wealth and luxury there is a balance between 


46 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

supply and demand. The luxurious mansion 
calls for skilled labor, with proper compensa- 
tion. Costly entertainments give to scientific 
cooks good remuneration for their services. 
Fine horses stimulate the horse raiser to im- 
prove his stock and thereby get increased 
prices. The poodle dog, silly as the practice 
may be, must eat, and thereby gives trade to 
the butcher and the baker ; besides he must 
have a valet to wash, dress and curl his hair. 
This gives employment to the domestic. 

What do bicycles give to the public ? The 
old homesteads are going to wreck, lands are 
washing away, and the young girls and the old 
maids and the boys of the farms are hastening 
to the towns and cities to catch this insane fad 
that they may be noticed for their expert rid- 
ing. Soon the young country boys and girls^ 
who are full of strength and vigor, bear off the 
prize for speed and graceful riding. They 
learn to sit straight because they have strong 
backs ; they give more force to the wheel, for 
they have strong developed muscles of the legs. 
The result of it is the rich will drop back 
to the carriage and buggy, where they can get 
more pleasure with no force. 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 47 

While the farm is suffering for the want of 
this labor, will the country boys and girls drop 
back to the farm? Never. Idleness associated 
with vicious habits is accumulative, and never 
ceases until the idler is buried in the potter’s 
field, his last resting place, for no one can con- 
sume so much time upon a useless fad without 
becoming a pauper, unless he depends upon 
the labor of some one else to support him. It 
is said that one hundred, and fifty thousand 
dollars have been taken out of Little Rock for 
the purchase of bicycles, while the general 
trade of the city has been reduced proportion- 
ally. Could this amount have been put into 
buildings for the rich and the poor, the sound 
of the hammer and the whiz of the saw would 
not have been hushed as it is. 

BICYCLE — TO WHOM SUITED. 

“It appears that the attempt to condemn the 
orthodox stooping posture of the modern 
cyclist is to be a failure. After a strong effort 
in the direction of advocating an upright pos- 
ture, I find myself so out-voted with the tacit 
consent of the medical profession that I have 
retired from the contest. I suppose that the 


48 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

present low, forward position, and the conse- 
quent stoop and contracting of the shoulders, 
will remain the commonly favored posture in 
cycling. 

There is another point, however, which ap- 
peals specially to elderly cyclists, and it 
may be that, as my cycling experience on the 
race path touring has extended over more than 
twenty years, I may be allowed to speak. I 
mean the matter of saddles. Our elderly 
cyclists will soon find out what it means to ride 
with their weight on the perineum. The pro- 
fession as a body seem to approve of that 
method of sustaining the weight, as they do of 
the orthodox camel-hump posture. But I can 
strongly recommend all elderly riders to obtain 
a seat made of two small, cupped, circular air 
pads, one for each ischiatic tuberosity, with no 
pressure upon the perineum whatever. The 
comfort of such a seat (such as Burchess seat) 
is enormous and does away with all that peri- 
neal servitude, which is so painful and often 
serious to heavy riders. 

By this you will see the great importance of 
both sexes of heavy weight keeping olf the 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 49 

bicycle.* Still I lind that in this matter, also, 
the cyclist prefers to keep the old methods. 
They like bruising the bulb of the uretha and 
the occasional difficulty in micturition after a 
long ride. It is no business of mine. Let us by 
all means keep both the camel hump posture 
and the perineal suspension. Personally I 
shall continue to assume the upright posture, 
with long, low, backward handles, and shall 
ride on my non-perineal seat.” — London 
Lancet. 

This must have been written or dictated by 
an old experienced and honest physician, who 
had learned from long personal experience the 
damage done to him, and was willing to con- 
fess it. It seems that he still had hopes that 
the bicycle saddle would overcome these diffi- 
culties and throw the weight where it properly 
belongs, on the fleshy muscles nature so wisely 
provided. It must be remembered that in rid- 
ing the horse the feet and legs are pressed 
heavily upon to counteract the downward 
weight pressure of the body. As, for exam- 
ple, let your stirrup leather break when you 


♦This is common sense with a thorough knowledge of anatomy and 
physics. — Author. 


Historical and Humorous Sketches 


50 

are riding and see how quickly you feel the 
pressure upon the perineum. It was for this 
purpose the saddle was invented. If experi- 
ence has taught us anything, it is this : that 
while knowledge is power, it is not of necessity 
power for good. It may be, and not unfre- 
quently is, power for evil. 

Education offers facilities for various living, 
but it is assuredly not the force that is capa- 
ble of grappling successfully with vice. Men 
are not saved by it, and it is open to question 
whether the moral standards of living among 
the cultured classes is much if anything better 
than the ideals of the common people. 

Bismarck said in speaking of war : ‘‘If the 
ministers of foreign affairs had always accom- 
panied their sovereigns or the commander -in- 
chief during the campaign, history would cer- 
tainly contain fewer records of war. On the 
battlefields and, which is worse, in the field 
hospitals I have seen the fiower of our youth 
succumb to their wounds and to disease. Even 
now I see many a cripple look up at this win- 
dow, evidently thinking, ‘If it were not for the 
man up there, who made the war, I would be 
well and strong at home.’ Such reminiscenses 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, 51 

and such sights would rob me of peace if I 
had to accuse myself of having made war 
lightly and only to gain a name.” 

If the manufacturers of the bicycle would 
accompany every man and woman bicyclist in 
their unprofitable fad, and see how much 
money and time is spent on this unproductive 
and unsatisfying amusement, how many crip- 
ples reported by physicians, how many de- 
formed women and men, whose fair forms are 
being distorted, would he not feel as this 
great statesman did about war ? Yes, it is the 
vilest war that has ever been made on the 
morals and manners of the free and practical 
American. Don’t cry, “Hard times !” when 
you can throw away millions on a fad which 
has a tendency to destroy the morals, deplete 
the pocket and cripple the body. 

These fads are crying out lustily for bicycle 
roads. How many pay a dollar tax to keep 
our present bad roads in repair ? A hundred 
years from now Arkansas will not have a turn- 
pike in every county, but long before that time 
the bicycle will be piled up with the old 
wheels and trumpery at the Smithsonian Insti- 


Historical and Humorous Sketches 


52 

tute, where all fads find a burial place, and 
serve only as monuments to a deluded age. 

Another little incident I will mention to 
show that fads are of no value anywhere. 
Among the conspiritors arrested by the Boer 
government was at least one that they could 
afford to release without fear that his infiuence 
could harm the independence of the South 
African Republic. This is Solly Yoel, nephew 
of the great Barnatto, and the prince of dudes. 
How he came to be arrested is not quite clear. 
He has never done anything more important 
than to set the fashion as to the height of the 
collar, the length of the crease in the trousers 
and the shape of the coat in H. B. Majesty’s 
colonies. His most epoch making deed was 
to have his bath tub filled with soda water 
when water was scarce. The dude is as im- 
portant as a bicycle. 

Mr. Scott Leighton, the Boston artist, tells 
the story of a pet game cock which he kept in 
his studio : “ Having at one time to paint the 

portrait of a large size game cock for a patron, 
the pet suffered a great deal from the domi- 
neering spirit of the larger bird, and got so he 
never could see him without fiying into a rage. 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 53 

After the picture was completed and the feath- 
ered model had been removed, the canvas 
remained in the studio, standing on the floor. 
One day the little game cock was picking his 
way about the studio, when he suddenly 
caught sight of the counterfeit presentment of 
his former enemy. With a scream of rage he 
gave one leap and, flying at the picture, struck 
his spurs into it again and again. The next 
time he was given an opportunity he repeated 
the attack, and it became the almost daily 
amusement of the artist and his friends to wit- 
ness these impromptu cock fights between a live 
bird and a dummy. At last one day the little 
fellow, resting a moment after an unusually 
spirited attack, happened to cock his head on 
one side so as to get a look behind the picture. 
For an instant he was dumbfounded. He 
looked in front and saw his old enemy as large 
as life. Another glance behind, and he was 
more than ever puzzled. He then deliberately 
walked around and behind the picture several 
times, carefully surveying it, and finally, with 
a spiteful flirt and with an air of disgust that 
would have done credit to a human being, 
marched away and hid himself. Never after 


54 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

that day could he be pursuaded to attack the 
picture, or, indeed, to pay the slightest atten- 
tion to it. He had penetrated the sham and 
would have no more of it.’’ 

The horse is making the same observations 
today in regard to the bicycle. He has looked 
behind it and found out that it is a sham, and 
he will have no more racing with it. He does 
not believe his beautiful maid rider will ever 
give him up for the sham. No ; he will rele- 
gate it to the pauper and the aesthetic, where 
they can mingle upon a common plane. This 
is a day when morals have become a subject of 
book account, and such shams cannot tell 
whether they are for usefulness or for senseless 
toys until they balance their ledgers. 

REMINISCENCE OF BYaONE DAYS. 

When I meet an old-fashioned lady I think 
it is like taking a breath of fresh, pure country 
air, full of sweetness, and laden with the odors 
of the wild grape, and of new mown hay, and 
of violets. We read of blue skies, and green 
fields, and white fields ; and honest, hard work- 
ing men and women ; and country girls and 
boys, simple and lovable, like many whom we 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, 55 

knew in the past. I can remember many of 
these characters now living. I have met them 
in what is now called the dead days, and I 
grieve that those days are gone, and love any- 
one who will write up reminiscences of them. 
I recollect a little girl with blue eyes and 
auburn hair and a small, graceful figure. Her 
complexion was charming, her step elastic and 
her speech chaste and elegant — the very per- 
sonification of a Southern lady before the bi- 
cycle day. 

The Critic on the bicycle : 

But these critics do not give us any very 
definite forecast of what the coming fads are 
to be, and the cyclist meanwhile snaps his fin- 
gers at all such iconoclasts. He will simply keep 
on producing what the public want, with small 
regard for the opinion of those who tell us what 
the public ought to want. He is riding upon 
the bicycle, the supposed top wave of advanced 
thought. Wheels are expensive luxuries. 

THE POSTURE OF WOMAN ON THE BICYCLE — 
ITS EFFECTS — RESPIRATION AS CONNECTED 
WITH THE GENERATION OF POWER. 

“ One of the most important purposes of the 
body is to generate power — muscular power. 


56 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

mental power. If this precious article could 
be bottled up its sale would far exceed that of 
the most popular cure all. When a muscle 
contracts, a portion of its substance is used up 
in generating whatever power is developed. 
The used up part unites with oxygen. The 
energy of the muscle is also in the direct ratio 
to the purity, abundance and oxygen- absorb- 
ing powers of the blood circulating through 
it. These essential properties are possessed 
in a normal degree only by blood rich in the 
vital gas, a result which cannot be attained 
unless the respiration is constantly full and 
free. Therefore, those persons whose capacity 
to respire is below the full requirements of the 
system are not capable of exciting their full 
quota of any kind of power, whether nervous, 
muscular or intellectual. 

“It is no wonder that women who receive into 
their lungs too little air at each and every 
breath are not strong and well. When I think 
of the extreme importance of the respiratory 
function, and that it is so universally defective 
among women, I am surprised the results are 
no worse than they are. And when we con- 
sider that even the small quantity they do 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, 57^ 

do breathe, particularly in cities, where the 
contaminated dust mingles freely with the at- 
mosphere, it is a signal proof of the great ca- 
pacity possessed by the female constitution to 
maintain life under very unfavorable circum- 
stances. 

‘‘ By way of illustrating the facts I wish to 
present, we may look upon the trunk of the 
female body as being divided into three sep- 
arate stories by two partitions. The diaphragm 
forms the floor of the chest and the roof of the 
abdominal cavity. The partition below forms 
the floor for the latter and a roof for the pelvis, 
the latter cavity being occupied mainly by the 
generative organs. The fundus uteri is firmly 
attached to the partition covering the pelvis. 
Now, the diaphragm and the muscles of the 
chest and abdomen are in ceaseless motion, 
performing the act of breathing; in fact, the 
diaphragm acts very much like the piston of a 
pump. When it rises it elevates the roof of 
the pelvis, to which the uterus is attached. 
When it descends, the latter is depressed. 
The constant up and down motions of the pow- 
erful muscle forming the floor of the thoracic 
cavity with the action of the abdominal 


58 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

muscles are communicated through the diges- 
tive apparatus to the lower partition, to which 
the uterus is attached. These respiratory mo- 
tions have so direct and positive an influence 
on the pelvic viscera that in healthy women, 
the motions of whose breathing organs are 
quite free and natural, the uterus and its ap- 
pendages make two distinct movements every 
time they breathe. When the diaphragm rises 
and the breath is expelled, it rises from one 
inch to one inch and a half, and when the dia- 
phragm descends and the lungs are filled it 
rises the same distance. The uterus is thus 
normally in constant motion, up and down. 

HOW MOTION OPERATES TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY 

CIRCULATION THROUGH THE PELVIC ORGANS. 

“Muscular action and the resulting bodily 
motion play an important part in maintaining 
a circulation of the blood. This is true of the 
uterus. Motion, gentle but constant, is essen- 
tial to keep up a healthy uterine blood circula- 
tion. To meet this imperative want, the dia- 
phragm, intercostal and abdominal muscles, in 
addition to their respiratory functions, have 
the subsidiary duty of communicating auto- 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 59 

matic motion to the uterus. Nature has thus 
made ample provision to maintain a normal 
blood circulation through the pelvic viscera in 
those who do not prevent her operations. I 
believe that if these natural motions were not 
restricted by women, uterine diseases would be 
comparatively rare; and, moreover, if physi- 
cians, in attempting the removal of uterine 
congestions and their effects, adopted adequate 
means to restore the normal motions of the 
respiratory and pelvic viscera, their success in 
the treatment of these disorders would be 
greatly enhanced. 

“ Respiration is very defective when it results 
in breathing only the minimum quantity of air 
on which life can be mantained, as so many 
women do. I have tried to show that respira- 
tion completely served nature’s purposes in the 
female economy only when sufficiently deep 
and free to communicate automatic motion to 
the abdominal and pelvic viscera. 

“A critical examination of women who are 
the subjects of confirmed uterine disorders 
readily show that they lack the mechanical 
condition requisite to carry on the breathing 
process in a manner that effectively attains all 


6o Historical and Humorous Sketches 

its normal results. In such cases the respira- 
tory motions of the thorax are confined to the 
clavicular regions, while those of the infra- 
mamary are nearly or quite abolished. The 
epigastrium is preternaturally hollow, while the 
abdomen is abnormally protuberent inferiorly. 
In such cases the uterus will be found lying in 
the pelvic cavity, dislocated, motionless, even 
during forced breathing. 

“ Will anyone deny that the breathing on a 
bicycle is not forced, sometimes to a very dan- 
gerous extent, and its tissues deeply congested 
or inflamed ? How can local treatment, how- 
ever skillful, be really curative which is ad- 
dressed to the removal of secondary effects, 
leaving the basic, predisposing causes un- 
touched. The causes that are cited as having 
brought about deterioration in the general 
health and vigor of the American women, and 
predisposes them to the inroads of uterine dis- 
orders, are very numerous. 

“There is, however, one cause that has almost 
escaped detection. That to which I refer con- 
sists in the fact that the breathing capacity of 
a very large majority of women is notably less 
than is indispensable — less than is necessary 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 6i 

to maintain health, even if they had no other 
health destroying influences to resist. If this 
little book should fall under the eye of the doc- 
tor he might object to its application.” 

As I wanted to give the physiology of respi- 
ration, and thereby show its important connec- 
tion with the position assumed by the cyclist, 
I could not do it more comprehensively than in 
the graphic description here given. The school 
girl who has studied physiology knows she 
has been taught the theory of respiration. Its 
application to medicine she may learn from 
these lines with the forlorn hope of its benefi- 
cial results. 

“When woman revolts against her normal 
functions and sphere of action, desiring, in- 
stead, to usurp man’s prerogative, she entails 
upon herself the inevitable penalty of such ir- 
regular conduct ; and while losing the woman- 
liness, which she apparently scorns, fails to at- 
tain the masculine, for which she strives.” 
Such is the opening sentence of an essay on 
the “Foibles of the New Woman,” by Mrs. 
Ella W. Winston, in the April Forum. She 
observes further, “That the revolting woman is 
unto herself a perpetual delight, calling her- 


62 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

self and her kind by the epithets ‘New,^ 
‘Awakened ’ and ‘ Superior,’ and speaking dis- 
dainfully of women who differ from her in what 
to her judgment is the all important question 
of life.” 

“Ah! hopeless is the task indeed, 

And pitiable the fate, 

Of him who does attempt to write 
A ‘ New Book Up to Date.’ ” 

In a former part of this little book we dwelt 
upon the position assumed on the bicycle as a 
position affecting the breathing. We will now 
quote a few lines from Dr. Hinsdale, of the 
Orthopedic hospital, Philadelphia, and printed 
in the Medical News, May 2 : 

“The air we breathe is a fertile subject for 
scientific investigation. Twenty years ago we 
knew but little about the organic constituents 
of the atmosphere.” He goes on to say: “ I 
have thus made plain that dust is the abomi- 
nation to be shunned. We shall never live 
where we can absolutely avoid it, but we can 
do a great deal towards preventing its virulent 
character. If the doctrine of sponstaneous 
germination had been established, little en- 
couragement might be expected in a fight 
against infectious diseases ; but, as Pasteur 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 63 

has said thirty years ago, ‘Man has it in his 
power to cause parasitic diseases to disappear 
off the surface of the globe.’ ” 

Prevention, like charity, properly begins at 
home, and eternal vigilance is the price of 
safety. Now, in view of this demonstrated 
fact, is it not safe to keep off the bicycle, at 
least in dry, windy days ? The law makes the 
cyclist keep the center of the street, where the 
dust rises in clouds, and all kinds of organic 
matter are conveyed to the nose, throat and 
lungs through the open mouth and nostrils. 
Can it be possible that anyone who has given 
the subject the least thought could recommend 
a consumptive person to take this kind of ex- 
ercise ? Tests of dusts from the wall of houses 
of fifty-three private patients affected with tu- 
berculosis were introduced into one hundred 
and sixty-eight animals, of which ninety died 
soon after the injection, thirty -four were found 
tuberculous and the remainder sound. If it is 
necessary for tuberculous patients to avoid the 
dust that is swept from the room, how much 
more should they avoid the dust of the street 
that comes from they know not where. 


64 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

When you look at a female bicyclist and 
smile, she will smile in return with a calm and 
pleased-with-myself expression. There is no 
anxiety, no surprise, no blinking of the eyes. 
The smile on her lips is like to that of a 
dancer pleased with executing a step. If we 
are not mistaken, they will find they are 
dupes to their own dream. In our age every 
institution and society is the subject of search- 
ing criticism, not always friendly. It can 
hope to win notice and consideration by claims 
of long descent, but must abide the test of ob- 
servation and experience. 

sally’s bicycle. 

“When Sally got a bicycle, her mother raised a row; 

The girls when she was grown-up weren’t like the girls are 
now — 

The modestest, sweetest girls that lived beneath the sun — 
You never saw a bicycle in eighteen fifty-one. 

To think she’d live to see it — a child she’d raised come out 
In them newfangled bloomers, and go ridin’ ’round about. 
To think her children had forgot the censure that she gave, 
And live to bring her old gray hairs in sorrow to the grave. 

But when Sal’ had her bicycle agoin’ ’bout a week. 

And mother seen the roses that was bloomin’ on her cheek, 
We notice’ that she’d change’ her mind — was quiet-like — 
and so 

Sal’ she kept oh a ridin* where the bloomers loved to blow. 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 65 

And as it come one mornin*, just past the break of day, 

A shieldin’ of herself between a hill or two of hay, 

Who should we see but mother, aworkin’ with a will. 

On Sister Sally’s bicycle, and goin’ fit to kill. 

And now we can’t get breakfast, an’ dinner’s always late, 

For the bicycle’s goin’ from six o’clock till eight; 

And when she comes a pantin’ in we have the biggest fun 
With, ‘Never saw a bicycle in eighteen fifty-one.’ ” 

The moral of this ingenious criticism is this : 
The bicycle interferes greatly with domestic 
duties. It makes breakfast and supper late 
by taking away the time that should have 
been spent in their preparation. It also 
teaches the girls that, while they are having 
their fun, someone else must do their work. 
What a great imposition Sal’ was practicing 
on her mother. Her mother proposed to try it 
on her. SaT perhaps learned a useful lesson 
from this, and did not go cyclying until she 
had assisted her mother in preparing the meals 
for the family, and, as the piece was written 
by her brother, it seems that he had realized 
the change for the worse, as his breakfast 
must be early that he may get to work. Per- 
haps he was working on a salary and had to 
be at his place of business at an early hour. 
The family was dependent on his work for a 
support. The sister was flaunting in her 


66 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

bloomers, getting the largest share and doing 
the least work. 

Americans, apparently, are not the only ones 
who suffer from the lack of good servants. 
Housewives will probably appreciate the mo- 
tive which led to the insertion of the following 
advertisement in the Southeastern Herald^ of 
England : 

“ General servant required ; board ; school 
training ; liberal wages ; use of piano ; time 
allowed for practicing violin and dancing ; all 
evenings out; followers unlimited ; dirty work 
done by mistress and daughters ; early riser 
objected to ; bicycle and modern costume pro- 
vided ; latch key ; highest references given^ 
none required.” 

Mrs. Amelia E. Barr says : 

“ Why should there be love letters now? 
These are at least full of passion and nature, 
and, therefore, genius. We have no use for 
love letters now since we have the railways, 
bicycles and handsome cabs existing for 
lovers, so that love letters are a lazy way of 
making love and ought to be an anachronism. 
You will say, ‘Some lovers are too poor to 
travel.’ Then they are too poor to marry, for 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 67 

they ought to rememher in these expensive 
times that railway journeys and bicycle riding 
are cheaper than children.” 

This is an ingenius criticism upon our mod- 
ern way of making love. Agreeable to her 
theory, there is more money spent in railway 
and bicycle riding than would support the 
natural born children of honest, virtuous 
parents. This is no criticism ; it is a fact. 
Take the city of Little Rock alone, and she 
has spent more money in the past year for bi- 
cycles than it would take to feed her poor and 
clothe her naked. 

“That bicycling undertaken in moderation is 
conducive to health and vigor in women is 
now undisputed. The French physicians have 
pronounced decidedly in its favor, and M. Lucas 
Champoniese is a warm advocate of women bi- 
cycling. The. fatigue in modern bicycling is 
slight, the muscles are exercised and the lungs 
are well inflated. The charm of the ‘wheel’ is, 
moreover, so great that it induces women who 
would otherwise be indolent to take healthful 
exercise and long runs into the country on 
‘Sabbath day in Christian America, not infidel 
France.’ 


68 Histoi'ical and Humorous Sketches 

“ There is, however, one desideratum in 
order to make bicycling quite safe for women, 
and that io a satisfactory saddle, adapted to 
the anatomical necessities of the case. In bi- 
oycling the body is tilted forward, and in the 
pressure brought to bear on the pedals and 
steering rod the weight of the trunk is thrown 
on the peak of the saddle, which thus gives 
support to the lower limb of the pelvis. The 
position is an unnatural one, and may, com- 
bined with the incessant movement of the legs, 
cause irritation and discomfort, if not more 
serious mischief. The correct saddle has yet 
to be devised for women bicyclists, and it 
would be well for bicycle manufacturers to 
give attention to this.” 

The position on the bicycle also affects the 
Siand, as the following description will show ; 
It comes from clutching the handles of the bi- 
cycle in such a manner that the fingers are 
twined around in a deathlike grip, and then 
bringing the full weight of the upper part of 
the body to bear upon them. Under this 
steady pressure the hand becomes flattened, 
bulges out at the sides, gets lumpy and out of 
shape, and the fingers all become crooked. Of 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 69 

course it doesn’t happen in a day, and for 
that matter it has not been known to exist un- 
til quite recently ; but a year will tell, and 
those cases that have come under the observa- 
tion of the writer are the result of just one 
year’s hard riding. It begins by the bulging 
out of the muscle on the side of the hand. 
This grows more and more prominent, and gets 
tougher and tougher, until it is as hard as a 
piece of wood. Then the muscles of the fin- 
ger grow larger and larger, and harder and 
harder, until they too are out of shape. 
Women are more susceptible to it than men, 
and the reasons for it are simple. In the first 
place, a man’s hand is naturally tougher than 
a woman’s, and is not so easily hardened or 
flattened or squeezed into an unnatural shape. 
Then again, after a man has learned to ride he 
acquires the habit of holding his handle bar 
in an easy grasp, having full confidence in his 
ability to control it. A woman, on the other 
hand, never relaxes that deathlike grip upon 
the handle, holding it as if a moment’s relaxa- 
tion meant instant annihilation. Can any lady 
who has a symmetrical hand, with long, taper- 


yo Historical and Humorous Sketches 

ing fingers and a soft palm, afford to have it 
spoiled by riding the bike ? 

If hardening the hand and stiffening the 
muscles by grasping hard substances inter- 
feres with the free motion of the fingers, how 
will it affect those persons who play on 
stringed instruments ? How those young girls 
that are learning to play the piano, quick mo- 
tion and sensitive touch being the prerequisite 
for good performers ? Male and female artists, 
you must lay aside your bicycle or your in- 
strument ; you cannot practice on both. 

Then again, how does it affect the scribe, 
the typewriter, the surgeon, the telephone op- 
erator and all others who are dependent on 
acute touch and rapid motion for perfection? 

“A striking illustration of the influence of 
fatigue upon the nervous system,” says Modern 
Medicine^ “is afforded by an experiment con- 
ducted by an Italian physician some months 
ago. Twenty-four bicycle riders, who had 
ridden thirty-two miles in two hours and a 
quarter, were examined with reference to their 
hearing, and it was in nearly every instance 
found to be defective.” 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 71 


THE BICYCLE FROM A SOCIAL STANDPOINT. 

We quote the following from Dr. Edmund 
Dupony, of Hot Springs Medical Journal : 

“ Thanks to the severe laws of Romulus and 
the ability of his successors, the institution of 
marriage, created especially from a political 
point of view, gave to woman a severe code of 
morals, that was the principal element of 
Roman greatness. The laws of Romulus to 
the number of four were necessary to put a 
check on the violence of the passions of half 
savage men, and to establish the principal so- 
cial basis of the new state ; but the disposition 
of the matrimonial code, engraved on the brass 
tablets of the capital, only concerned gentle 
women.” 

Note the phrase here, and you will see that 
the best of the Roman women had to be re- 
strained by law. Wouldn’t it be better if 
America had the same law today ? 

‘‘ The free plebeian masses still gave them- 
selves up to concubinage and prostitution. 
This was the great political fault fatally des- 
tined to sustain a center of corruption that 
soon spread itself under the empire, after the 


72 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

great Asiatic wars, to all classes of society, 
and progressively brought about the Roman 
decadence.” 

Are not all demoralizing fads centers of cor- 
ruption ? Is the corrupting bicycle fad spread- 
ing with fatal steps into the very best of our 
society ? It seems so when the manufacturers 
have orders for one million this year at an 
average of sixty dollars a piece. 

‘‘Meantime this condition, of which the 
legality only reposed on the apparent intention 
of those who embraced it, the existence of 
which was only determined by the presump- 
tion of the will, these took the name of non- 
judicial weddings. The concubine was not a 
wife ; she held a place only and was distin- 
guished by her clothing. The children of such 
women, although associating with other citizens, 
were not a part of their father’s family. They 
could not inherit, since it was not permitted to 
take any women as concubines save those in 
servile conditions, or those born of obscure 
parentage, or those of distinguished birth who 
had prostituted themselves, or those who pur- 
sued shameful menial tasks. These menial 
tasks are described in the Latin language, but 


oj the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, 7 ^ 

are too indecent and revolting to translate into 
English, although many of them are being 
practiced in our large cities at this day.” 

Has advanced civilization — Christianity — 
blotted them out ? Public debauchery no 
longer astonishes morality. Believing that 
the bicycle fad tends to immorality, and 
that it has received the sanction of a good 
portion of the community, we should be no 
less astonished than were the Romans. But 
while honest matrons — mater familias — were 
surrounded by respect and honor, and 
while vestal virgins were charged with the 
duty of maintaining the sacred fires to mod- 
esty at the altar — are the girls observing 
modesty when wearing bloomers or riding 
the bicycle ? — many women and daughters of 
the people submitted themselves to the most 
horrible species of human slavery. Is not the 
same thing occurring in our midst, in this pro- 
gressive nineteenth century? What better are 
we than those people who lived two thousand 
years ago ? Is not history repeating itself? Is 
American society as pure as it was in the days 
of the pilgrims ? We think not. Both men 
and women have degenerated. It is not the 


74 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

dress or the position that makes the lady, but 
the lady makes both. The dressmaker will 
tell you that no matter how good a fit she may 
make on a woman who has not been reared 
and bred a lady, it will be a failure. She can 
not give the expression to the eye or grace of 
manner which gives to the well bred lady that 
proud consciousness of her own superiority. 
Can the dressmaker fit the round shoulders or 
crooked back which must be produced by con- 
stant riding of the bicycle ? 

Ben Butler knew what he was doing when 
he appeared before his roughest audiences 
with a rose in his buttonhole ; yet no care in 
dress and no fiower could give him quite the 
look of a gentleman. On the other hand, no 
outward misfit could destroy the personnel of 
a gentleman. Men and women rarely appreci- 
ate their peculiar source of power ; they rather 
underrate it, and wish it were different, as 
young girls, however beautiful, are apt to dis- 
like their own style of hair and complexion 
and sigh for that of some rival. 

Upon the bicycle the two extremes meet, the 
fashionable rich and the common poor, the 
white lady and the negro woman. 


oj the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 


75 


THE BICYCLE IN POLITICS. 

The bicycle has wheeled itself into the field 
of politics through a victory which the wheel- 
men have achieved in the passage of a law by 
the New York legislature, which compels the 
railroads to carry wheels as baggage without 
extra charge. This act was opposed by 
Chauncey M. Depew, president of the New 
York Central. In an interview published in 
the Journal of April 21, Mr. Depew, when in- 
formed that Governor Morton had signed the 
bill, is reported to have said : 

‘‘ The bike riders sent thirty thousand circu- 
lars out and scared the members of the legis- 
lature almost to death. They felt that life 
would not be safe if they did not pass the 
measure, and they made the governor think 
the same way. A wheelman who would refuse 
to vote for Governor Morton for president if he 
had failed to sign the bill would be a man 
with a head as empty as his tire.” 

Is not it a lamentable fact to know that so 
small a thing as a bicycle, yet so great a fad, 
should control the election of our chief magis- 
trate? Is it not a solemn combination of 


76 Historical and Hu 7 norous Sketches 

things when fools are so numerous and wise 
men so few as to produce this result? What 
right have wheelmen to have their freight car- 
ried free any more than other shippers of 
freight ? Is the number of pounds to govern 
free freight or the value of the article shipped ? 
If the wheel were lost, would the railroad be 
responsible for the value of the iron or steel 
of which it is composed, or the value placed 
upon it by the shipper ? We think the ship- 
per would claim damages for his wheel agree- 
able to his own valuation. 

BICYCLE FACE AND CROOKED BACK. 

Leviticus, chapter 21, verse 17: 

“ Speak unto Aaron, saying, whosoever he 
be of the seed in their generations that hath 
any blemish, let him not approach to offer the 
bread or food of his God (verse 20), or crooked 
back, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his 
eye.” 

You see that the bicyclist is not entitled to 
good food, as he has made himself a crooked 
back and a staring eye. 

Some of the medical journals report a new 
affection of the eyes, caused, it is said, by the 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle, 77 

prevailing method of seating in the street cars. 
The effort to fix the gaze upon the passing ob- 
jects causes an annoying strain and twitch- 
ing in the external muscles of the globes. 
This same sitting position on the bicycle, with 
the eyes steadily riveted on objects ahead, 
gives the fixed stare to the bicycle face. 

BICYCLE EYE. 

“ Disdain and scorn ride sparkling in her eyes.” 

“ From women’s eyes this doctrine I derive: 

They sparkle still the right Promethean fire; 

They are the books, the arts, the academies. 

That show, contain and nourish all the world. 

Else none at all in aught proves excellent.” 

After reading the first quotation, can any 
lady afford to have such an eye ? Is not this 
the glaring, staring, bicycle eye ? After read- 
ing the second, can any woman afford to lose 
the natural, God given eye, and assume the 
counterfeit stare ? Where is any author in the 
world who teaches such beauty as a woman’s 
eye ? As Napoleon said, “ It is one step from 
the sublime to the ridiculous.” We will leave 
the beauty of the woman’s eye and come to 
the 


78 Historical a 7 id Hutnorous Sketches 


BUSTED BUTCHER. 

“ I commenced my business about six years 
ago on one of the principal streets of a flour- 
ishing city. I had saved when an apprentice 
about two hundred dollars and laid it up in 
bank. This amount I invested in tools for my 
shop, and rented a small room. A friend sold 
me a beef on time, and, with coat off and 
sleeves rolled up, with steel and knife in band 
and saw lying on my block, went to work cut- 
ting up my meat. As people are alw^ays look- 
ing out for a new place and cheap bargains, I 
soon had a good number of customers. I paid 
for my meat and established a good credit 
with the wholesale dealer. As I was polite 
and accommodating to my customers, my busi- 
ness flourished. I was then a young man, tol- 
erably good looking and had common sense. 
I soon found the girls who were going to mar- 
ket for their mas were giving me the prefer- 
ence. My business increased beyond my most 
sanguine expectations, and in a short time I 
was running a nice meat cart with a good 
horse and driver. My business increased for 
flve years, and in this time I had established 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 79 

a good credit all over the city, and, as I gave 
the business my entire attention, at the end of 
this time I had several hundred dollars ahead. 

“ I concluded I was old enough to marry and 
had sufficient means to take care of a wife. A 
young lady who was one of my best custom- 
ers threw bewitching eyes at me whenever she 
came in. I discovered that my eyes were wan- 
dering towards hers also, and that I could not 
cut the steak as smoothly as formerly. She 
invited me to her house, and I was often her 
escort to parties. My wardrobe must now be 
replenished and a finer style of goods worn. 
I soon found myself visiting too much and 
trusted to one I supposed to be an honest man 
to attend my shop ; but, as I had a good head- 
way and was still making some money and 
paying all my debts, concluded I had better- 
take that girl to be my wife. I proposed and 
she accepted. As she had been doing all the 
courting and her mind was made up before I 
fell in love with her, the time set for our mar- 
riage was short. So one evening — 

“When the moon was shining silver bright, 

And the stars with glory crowned the night”— 

a reverend sir, in presence of a gay and festive 


8o Historical and Humorous Sketches 

party, made us husband and wife. I soon real- 
ized that I had started on a double career of 
life, and I had to pull the longest end of the 
singletree. Well, I had procured a nice board- 
ing house, with comfortable room. 

“The next morning I went to my shop with 
bright hopes and glowing prospects ahead of 
me. I struck the steel faster, sharpened the 
knife quicker and run the saw through the 
hard bone without saying a bad word. Yes, I 
was happy. 

“ Not long after we were married my wife 
wanted a new dress, and, although she had 
been in the habit of making her own dresses 
before our marriage, she must have it made by 
a fashionable dressmaker. This I thought was 
a bad start towards housekeeping, but it was 
wife, and she must have her way. She com- 
menced wearing her Sunday shoes every day, 
and a pair a month was a small allowance, as 
she had her daily trips to make down street to 
look in the show windows to see the fashions. 
A new bonnet was the next demand, after the 
Parisian style and at a cost of ten dollars ; but 
it was all wife, you know, and I had to foot 
the bill. By hard work and strict economy in 


of the Donkey^ Horse and Bicycle. 8i 

a business way, I kept in sight of my ac- 
counts, until one day my dear wife persuaded 
me to buy a bicycle, saying I could go so 
much quicker to the shop and to and from my 
meals with speed. So I took her advice and 
bought me an eighty dollar wheel and sped 
from house to shop, feeling happy over the 
sport, for it has a fascinating charm nothing 
can break but a broken man. I had a little to 
my credit after buying the bike, but not suffi- 
cient to pay all my bills. Wife seeing some 
nice ladies spinning up and down the street, 
and listening to their exaggerated praise of the 
sport, caught the craze and I had to buy her 
one. Since I purchased the wheel for her, she 
has done little but ride. The purchase of the 
two wheels and the time consumed upon them 
finds me today with my shop closed, my fix- 
tures sold, myself and wife out of employ- 
ment, and my creditors continually knocking 
at the door calling for their dues. Upon a 
balance of my accounts I find myself one 
thousand dollars worse than nothing, except 
the two wheels, which we have run to the coun- 
try and nominally sold to a friend. No, 
we would give up everything and go ragged 


82 Historical and Humorous Sketches 

before we would part with our darling wheels. 
Although they have brought bankruptcy to us, 
we shall cling to them with a death like grasp.” 

As we have given the four standpoints of the 
bicycle, we will now commence an allegory. 


BICYCLE ROAD TO HELL. 


AN IMPOSSIBLE JOURNEY. 

Under this last title, ‘‘An Impossible Jour- 
ney,” Col. Hennebert contributes an article to 
La Natura, Paris, May 23, a criticism of the 
proposition, which it seems has been made in 
France with some show of seriousness, to 
travel from place to place in a straight line by 
tunneling beneath the earth’s surface instead 
of following along the surface, which com- 
pels us at present to move in a curve. Such a 
tunnel, although occasionally straight, would 
be down hill for half its length and up hill for 
the remaining half; hence, most of the dis- 
tance could be covered by means of gravity 
alone. Col. Hennebert concludes that this 
project is impossible of realization, for reasons 
which will appear from the following extracts 
translated from his article. After allusions to 
Jules Yerne’s fantastic tale, “A Journey to the 
Center of the Earth,” he goes on to say : 


84 Bicycle Road to An Allegory. 

“ This geographical romance is charming 
from one end to the other, hnt it is, after all, 
only a romance ; and since people will persist 
in desiring to penetrate the mysteries of the in- 
terior of our planet, it is best to disabuse these 
curious adventurers. The best plan to dampen 
their ardor, by means of a curative douche, is 
to demonstrate to them mathematically the im- 
possibility of a journey of this kind; an im- 
possibility that should have been revealed to 
them by their own intuition .” — Literary Di- 
gest. 


The colonel must have been a bicyclist, as 
they are the only ones who are studying 
speed to the exclusion of every other thought. 
They have advocated the building of bicycle 
roads by the government, and, of course, they 
must be straight, hard and down hill; so 
graded that gravity should take the place of 
force. 

Well, let us see where this bicycle road 
would start to get to the center of the earth. 
In the United States it would have to start in 
New York city, as they have the greatest num- 
ber of bicycles and Wall Street money to 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 85 

build the roads. They must go down five 
miles below the earth to get a start on the 
straight line. They would then commence sub- 
terranean, for above this line it would not be 
subterranean. They could never get there. 
But, to carry out the romance, we will suppose 
that they have gotten there. They commence 
their road on an incline plane ; the descent 
must be in proportion at least to the greatest 
descent of our most rapid streams, say one 
foot to the mile and four thousand miles to the 
center. 

Now the earth turns at a little more than 
one thousand miles per hour, a faster speed 
than the expert wheelman can travel, though 
he has taken all the best prizes in this country 
and Europe. 

ALLEGORY. 

We suppose that the tunnel or bicycle road 
is completed to the center, but long before we 
get there a sickening, sulphurous smoke greets 
our nostrils. We wish to turn back, as it is 
getting uncomfortably hot, but we are going at 
the rate of one thousand miles an hour on “ a 
fad.” And this brings to mind a story of a cel- 
ebrated preacher who entered an asylum and 


86 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

saw a lunatic galloping around the room. On 
asking him what he was doing, he replied, “ I 
am riding.” 

Says the minister, “A horse ? ” 

“ No ; a fad. Don’t you know the difference 
between a horse and a fad ?” 

The minister said, “What is the difference?” 

The lunatic replied, “When you ride a fad 
you can’t get off; when you ride a horse you 
can.” And he continued galloping around. 

This sulphurous smell is accounted for by 
scientists, who tell us that the center of the 
earth is a liquid fire. They have established 
a hell, if they know nothing of heaven. 

The cyclist commences soliloquizing : 

“It is a beautiful speed, but a destructive 
end. What shall I do — pass into hell? Well 
I suppose I will get through and pass out the 
other side, as they say the same impetus down^ 
ward will carry me upward.” 

The cyclist is consoled at the happy thought 
as downward he doth go. But before entering 
hell he must pass through the devil’s gate. 
There is a gate in hell as well as in heaven ; 
but the devil keeps his own gate and the 
keys, while St. Peter keeps the gate and the 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 87 

keys of heaven. The devil is the judge as to 
who shall enter his domain; and as we are 
told he never turned anybody or soul away, 
presume he will not turn a cyclist away. In 
this respect he may be more hospitable than 
St. Peter, for it is said of St. Peter that he says 
to many, “ Depart, ye cursed ; I never knew 



you.’’ The devil has a large acquaintance, for 
he knows everybody, even to the New York 
cyclist. Pardon this digression and we will 
come back to the main subject. 

The devil to bicyclist : 

‘‘1 thought I was getting my country filled 
up pretty fast, but you fellows up there have 


88 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

outwitted me and are sending them at the rate 
of a million a day. At this rate my kingdom 
will soon be filled up with those trifiing for- 
eigners. Well it has been said of me that I was 
crafty, subtle. It was said of old Herod, that 
good old saint of mine, that he was out- 
Heroded; but bless my soul, I never heard of 
the devil being out-deviled.” 

The colloquy being finished, the devil pro- 
ceeds : 

“ Well, I have never been overtaken in my 
craftiness yet. I will make hell seven times 
hotter than it is to accommodate the cy- 
clist.” 

“ But,” says the cyclist, “ I was told before I 
left the United States that hell was hot enough 
to scorch a feather, but I did not believe it ; 
nor did anyone tell me except those shouting 
Methodists, plunging Baptists and others of 
the same ilk. But men of enlarged views, pro- 
found thought and deep learning, such as Tom 
Paine, Voltaire, Huxley, Darwin, and other 
great and learned scientists, told me that the 
earth was solid — there was neither hell or 
heaven. Darwin said we were all monkeys and 
it would be an act of cruelty to burn them.” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 89 

“ Mr. Cyclist, I have listened to your logic, 
and I have heard it before. Do you not know 
that I put that idea into their heads and told 
them to ventilate it? Did no one tell you there 
was a hell and that it was presided over by 
his Satanic majesty?’’ 

“ Yes those old straight laced Presbyterians 
told me so, but you see I did not believe them. 



HIS SATANIC MAJESTY. 


So I thought as the way was straight and the 
road smooth and inclined, I would take a spin 
down here and see for myself. I ought to have 
brought my x-rays with me and taken a 
shadow of the place, which would have been 
all sufficient.” 


90 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

Let me introduce to you His Satanic Majes- 
ty, the Devil. 

Devil : “ I wish to show you a little more of 
my country. You are now in the upper depart- 
ment of my kingdom. It may be uncomfort- 
ably warm for you, even at this height, as you 
came from that beautiful, rich and balmy 
country where you were fanned by the gentle 
zephyrs and breathed the odor of the rose. That 
is God’s country. Where did you say you 
were from? New York city, sir ? I supposed 
so, for you are already black all over. Sul- 
phur won’t make you any blacker. I have 
lots of friends there, but they are coming a lit- 
tle too fast on these cycles.” 

The devil addresses the fire builders : “ Stir 

the fires ! Did I not tell you to make them 
seven times hotter ! Now make them seventy 
times as hot, for the New Yorkers are coming, 
and you know we have a large immigration to 
prepare for. This city alone sends us more 
immigrants than all Europe sends to Am- 
erica.” 

“Well, Mr. Cyclist, I want to inquire some- 
thing about the South and West of your coun- 
try. How is cycling going on there ? ” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 91 

“The South has not taken so much to the 
cycling. There are loo many of those people 
left after the war whom we cyclists call old 
fogies. They object to the girls riding cross- 
wise ; say they have lost their modesty and look 
too much like the wild eyed, badly behaved and 
brassy faced ‘New Woman.* As they have 
always been taught to keep their skirts down 
and not let them fly in the air — and this you 
know is an impossibility — they are down on 
the bicycle; besides they think ’tain’t decent. 
The members of the church don’t exactly sanc- 
tion the sport; they say it is demoralizing, it is 
leveling. The mistress and the maid have equal 
privileges. You know before the war, they all 
owned negroes, and they can’t stand the social 
equality feature. But, sir, the cyclists are do- 
ing pretty well in Atlanta, Memphis, New Or- 
leans, and have started a good trade in Little 
Rock. Little Rock is a very tony place. We 
have several of the leading members of society 
patronizing our fad. 

“By the way, Mr. Devil, don’t you know 
that fads always take best with fools.” 

Devil : “ That is a little pointed, but as I 

presume you are a man of some intelligence. 


92 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

and have the air of a plutocrat, I will let you 
tell your own story without further interrup- 
tion.” 

‘‘Well, I said the citizens of Little Rock 
were tony. They are like the boy who put on his 
father’s clothes, and declared by the act that 
he was a man. Now Little Rock is putting on 
the clothes of New York. They are much too 
large for her ; but if she is as fast in developing 
as the fast woman is in leading society, it will 
not be long before she is full fledged, and we 
shall be proud of her.” 

Devil : “Let me interrupt you, Mr. Cyclist. 
I have noticed of late that the immigration from 
that place has been increasing, but did not 
know the cause — thank you for the informa- 
tion. By the by, I thought I knew everything 
that was going on in that terrestrial sphere, 
but find the people have gotten ahead of me. 
I told you that Herod had been out-Heroded, 
but the devil had never been out-deviled. I 
shall have to take that back, for this invention 
I know nothing of ; it is a new feature in my 
philosophy. I thought I was posted with the 
great advancement in science. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 93 

“Yes, I studied Brown-Sequard’s “Elixer of 
Life,” and thought it a good thing for me, as 
the old fellows who had been burning so long 
had begun to grow accustomed to the flames 
and were not wriggling so much. So when Se- 
quard brought that great experiment to perfec- 
tion I had a great syringe made to inject the 
elixer, but found there was no material to man- 
ufacture the stuff, as there was neither sheep 
nof dog in my whole domain. I had forgotten 
that when I was driven out of heaven that the 
place I was to occupy was to be the place of 
departed souls of women and men such as I. 
Chemistry in your country has made rapid 
strides. They have invented a chemical Are 
extinguisher; but let me tell you, my friend, 
that all the chemicals on earth combined 
would not extinguish one spark in hell. No, 
sir ; I am still master of the pyrotechnic de- 
partment, and I will allow nothing but red 
rays of heat in my domain. 

“ Mr. Cyclist, I see you are on two wheels ; 
pray give me a description of that new inven- 
tion. It must be the latest fad of the nine- 
teenth century.” 


94 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

“Yes, sir; we had to push it up, as you know 
the twentieth century is near at hand, and 
wiseacres tell us that the men of the twentieth 
century will cut off all fads and theories and 
pass such laws as Moses had.” 

Devil : “ Stop, my friend, you must take off 
your hat when you speak of Moses. We have 
great respect for him all over my domain. He 
was a brave and good man. I was present 
when he was on Mount Pisgah and was stand- 
ing by his side all those days and nights, and 
can testify that he never closed his eyes, or ate 
bread, or drank water. I heard him read to 
the good spirit what he had written on those 
tablets of stone. I went with him down the 
mountain and saw him when he was in a pas- 
sion and broke the stones. I knew what those 
wicked Israelites had been doing. They had 
made the golden calf and were worshiping it 
just as you Americans are doing in America 
today. You worship the goldbug; they, the 
calf. The worship is the same in either case. 
I thought when he broke the tablets I would 
get Moses and all the Israelites, but Grod did 
not deliver him into my hands.” 

Cyclist : “ Did you say you were there ?” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 95 

“Yes ; why not ? I have always been invit- 
ed to royal courts, and been present at the 
crowning of every king and queen in the 
world. So well toasted was I that I became 
vain and dared to walk by the side of the 
greatest King this world ever saw or ever will 
see. This King was so calm and meek that I 
deigned to speak to Him. He treated me 
courteously, and talked with me awhile. He 
answered all my questions so complacently 
that I dared ask Him to worship me. He 
waved His hand and with a smile said, ‘ Get 
thee behind me, satan, for it is written : Thou 
shalt worship the Lord thy God, and Him only 
shalt thou serve.’ I quietly moved behind and 
went my way. This was the last time I tempt- 
ed Him, and, had I done as He directed me, I 
should have released every prisoner in hell 
and followed Him ; but my ambition was to 
keep my kingdom, enlarge my boundaries and 
contend with Him for the supremacy of the 
government of the world. Now this man was 
the second Moses, but He was much greater 
than Moses, for I knew them both well. Now, 
Mr. Cyclist, let me tell you how I saw Moses 
when he stood on Mount Pisgah. Here I saw 


96 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

the great lawgiver, looking round from his 
lonely elevation on an infinite expanse — behind 
him a wilderness of dreary sands and bitter 
waters, a land in which successive generations 
have sojourned, always moving yet never ad- 
vancing, reaping no harvests and building no 
abiding city ; before him a goodly land, a land 
of promise, a land fiowing with milk and 
honey. While the multitude below saw only 
the fiat, sterile desert in which they had so 
long wandered, bound on every side by a near 
horizon or diversified only by some deceitful 
mirage, he was gazing from a far higher stand, 
on a far lovelier country, following with his 
eye the long course of fertilizing rivers through 
ample pastures and under the bridges of great 
capitals, measuring the distances of marts and 
havens and pointing out all those wealthy 
regions from Dan to Bersheba.” 

Cyclist : “ I see, Mr. Devil, you are quite 

eloquent when you speak of Moses. How is it 
that such eloquence should have been put into 
a mouth as vile as yours ? ’’ 

Devil : “ Eloquence ! That is the strongest 

force I have for evil, and, as you know, I am 
second in power in all the earth, combining all 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 97 

the wisdom and the evil of a rebellious people, 
shall I not be permitted to use this strong force ? 
Do you not know that I have given your great 
men, 3^our congressmen, your stump speaking 
politicians and lawyers, this eloquence ? Listen 
to what beautiful lies they tell you. Are they 
not clothed in gilt edged words and well 
turned sentences ? I have taught them poetry, 
and sometimes they quote sacred hymns. 
This I have never told them to do, but I have 
more respect for my honorable enemies than 
they have. 

“ Let us stop speaking of Moses and his laws, 
for I should become so eloquent that I would 
have a revival in hell. Now, Mr. Cyclist, it 
seems strange to you that I, a devil, should al- 
low my thoughts to penetrate the spiritual 
world. Let me tell you that ever since I was 
cast out of heaven I have been lamenting 
my lost estate. You know I wanted to be 
first there, and I was made last. This spirit of 
rebellion has been perpetuated in me ever 
since, and I still want to be supreme ruler of 
the universe ; but I can’t. 

‘‘Now, Mr. Cyclist, I will tell you the plain 
truth, for you can tell nothing but the truth 


98 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

liere. You can lie to come here, but you can 
not lie to get away. You know Dives had to 
tell the truth when he spoke to Abraham, for 
we allow nothing else here. If old Dives could 
have lied out he would have done so and gone 
straight to Abraham’s bosom, and poured his 
eloquence into his ear and made him believe 
hell was a splendid place, which you know 
would have been a big lie. No, sir; people 
come here by lying, but they cannot fool me, 
for you know I am the father of lies and not 
to be deceived, even by my elect. 

“Now, Mr. Cj^clist, let us come back to the 
material world, as this is my world. I have 
great respect for the spiritual world, as you 
have seen, but no power in that domain what- 
ever. Their thoughts are higher than my 
thoughts, and their ways past finding out by 
me. Mr. Cyclist, did you know that spiritual 
court is the only court of which I am not the 
presiding ofl^cer? I’ll take that back, Mr. Cy- 
clist, there is a court on the earth, formed by 
the old straight laced, Scotch-Irish Presbyteri- 
ans. They have four courts, to none of which 
I have been invited. Indeed, those fellows 
have a cordon drawn around their courts, and 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 99 

they admit none but the faithful, who cry with 
a loud voice, ‘Perseverance of the saints/ 
There are other courts equally good, but some- 
times I have to send a policeman from hell to 
quiet a riot. This riot sometimes occurred at 
a camp meeting, and as I caused the riot by 
sending whiskymen there to give them spirits 
below, I had to quell it for fear I should 
not have another chance at the next meeting. 
While we are on the subject of camp meetings, 
Mr. Cyclist, let me give you my experience 
about them. 

“ Fifty years ago — you see that I have been 
keeping up with them to date. 

“You spoke of Little Rock. If my memory 
serves me right, that place is in Arkansas ; but 
let me look at my map, as it is an out of the 
way state. Yes, I see. 

“Well, agreeable to my record, fifty years 
ago they had old fashioned meetings, called 
camp meetings because there were neither 
church nor houses for a considerable dis- 
tance around. They selected an eligible 
spot of ground near some spring sur- 
rounded by large trees that gave an abun- 
dance of shade, which was needed, as these 


lOO Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

meetings were held in the early fall. Among 
these trees and close to the spring the camps 
were pitched, which gave the name, “camp 
meeting.” 

“I had but few immigrants from Arkansas 
fifty years ago. They were pioneers, having 
vast flocks of sheep, cattle and hogs. They 
were sons of the soil. Every man had as much 
of this world’s goods as he desired. The wo- 
men were all buxom lasses ; even the older 
women of that day were younger than the 
youngest of this. So you see fashion, fads 
and follies had not crept into that state as 
they had in the eastern states. They had no 
money, nor did they desire it ; for their moth- 
ers and fathers, who were generally of the 
Methodist persuasion, taught them that the 
love of money was the root of all evil. Yes, 
sir; these were primitive people. They had 
never heard of any other law than the two 
laws of the Bible. The last law given by 
Him, whom I told you was greater than 
Moses, was the law they adhered to, because 
this law taught them universal love — that you 
were to love your enemies, and do good to 
them which hate you. Moses’ law, you know. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, loi 

did not teach you to love your enemies ; for it 
told the Israelites to go forward into the prom- 
ised land and slay men, women and children.” 

‘‘Stop, Mr. Devil ! Could any man be a good 
man, as you say Moses was, and devise such 
cruel acts ?” 

Devil : ‘‘ I thought it was cruel for me to be 

driven out of heaven, but you see I have 
learned better. It was only retributive jus- 
tice. Suppose the archangel of hell should re- 
volt against me, what do you suppose I would 
do? Cast him out of hell? No, sir; that 
would allow him to establish another hell and 
divide immigrants with me. I would just con- 
fine him in that cell the Methodist preacher, 
Brownlow, said all the Baptists were in — the 
lowest pit. Brownlow told a big lie when he 
told that, but he got forgiveness for it, for, 
though long since dead, he has not put in his 
appearance here. 

“Those denominational people up there think 
I get a great many of every denomination but 
their own. In this they are very much mis- 
taken, for I get none of any denomination but 
the hypocrites, and they are not near so many 
as they think. If they will all abide by the 


102 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

tenets of their church, they will never come 
here. 

“ But let us return to the old camp meetings 
of Arkansas. They were the worst enemies I 
had in that state. The people would come to- 
gether and be made happy, for they were all 
tilled with the Holy Ghost, as they were on 
that memorable day of Pentecost, where I lost 
so many souls. This happy mood was not 
caused by undue excitement : it was holy tire 
that came down from heaven and lighted all 
around.” 

Cyclist : “ Mr. Devil, you spoke of the 

camp meetings in Arkansas. You seem to be 
more interested in church meetings and Chris- 
tian gatherings than in any other kind of meet- 
ings. Do you get more immigrants from them 
than you do from all the other various meet- 
ings on earth ? ” 

“ No, sir ; fewer by far. But, Mr. Cyclist, 
you see I’m only sounding your intelligence. 
There is a secret society up there that has 
been in existence ever since Moses’ day. It is 
called Masonic. 

Cyclist: “Have you ever been in one of 
their lodges ? ” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 103 

“ No, sir. I tried once to get into one and I 
met a man at the door. He had a sword in his 
hand. When I saw it I jumped back, for I 
was frightened. I mustered up courage enough 
to ask him why he was so particular about 
matters. He said, ‘ I was placed here to guard 
the entrance of the same, and to see that none 
pass or repass without permission of their 
officers.’ 

“I asked, ‘ What are the conditions for en- 
trance ? ’ He told me I would have to make 
application in writing, and in the application 
I was to state that I was free born, of lawful 
age, and of good report among the best citi- 
zens. This I told him I could not do, so he just 
replied, ‘You are an evesdropper,’ and at these 
words he thrust his dagger at me, and had I 
not quickly transformed myself into a spirit, 
would have pierced me through. Yes, sir ; 
there would have been a dead devil right there 
if I hadn’t made a precipitous retreat. This 
was at the opening of that first lodge, and I 
have never been nearer than two thousand 
miles of one since.” 

Cyclist : “ Do you never get any of those 

Masons down here ? ” 


104 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

‘‘ Precious few, sir. Their obligations are of 
a most sacred character, as binding as the 
laws of Moses, and the penalty equally 
severe.” 

Cyclist: ‘‘Don’t any of them violate their 
obligation ? ” 

“ I told you a few. I get those who violate 
their obligation, for they are expelled from the 
order and driven into hell.” 

“ Do you torture them more than others ? ” 

“Yes, sir; I burn them into ashes, and take 
those ashes and scatter them to the four winds 
of heaven, that there be neither name or trace 
of so vile a creature as he. He was not tit to 
live on earth, and too bad to stay in hell.” 

Cyclist: “Mr. Devil, I have asked you 
about some of the denominations. I will now 
interrogate you more fully of the Episcopa- 
lians ? ” 

Devil : “ The conversation we have had I 

thought was full enough to satisfy any inquir- 
ing mind. I told you that all their creeds 
were good enough, if they would only adhere 
to them. I repeat it here. Some of the out- 
siders of their church object to their royal 
robes and their liturgy. There is nothing in 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 105 

their liturgy that any Christian cannot en- 
dorse. As to their robes, it looks a little 
monarchical to you Americans, but you must 
recollect that theirs is a spiritual kingdom. 
They acknowledge a Great King, who presides 
over all the universe, and if they put on these 
holy robes they sever themselves from all 
earthly connection, and while thus engaged 
could not tell you the color or the material of 
which they are made. They simply represent 
the higher courts. They choose their com- 
pany, and they have a right to do so ; for no 
one would like to take a disagreeable person 
into their family. 

“But, Mr. Cyclist, these Christians worry 
themselves over many small things, like 
Martha. It only shows that 

“ ‘ There are many men of many minds 
And many birds of many kinds.’ 

They are Marys ; they have chosen that better 
part that shall not be taken from them. You 
see, Mr. Cyclist, that I can quote Scripture. 
It may surprise you when I tell you that I am 
better acquainted with that book than all the 
combined preachers in the universe. I have 
every sentence of it by heart. Why should I 


io6 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

make this declaration? Plain enough. If I 
did not understand all the laws in that book, 
how could I tell when any of them were vio- 
lated? 

“I have told you several times that God was 
the lawgiver and I the lawbreaker. There aro 
various interpretations of this law or laws. 
Why not? There are differences in intellect. 
Indeed, no two things are made alike. If there- 
had been no differences in minds, where w^ould 
have been the necessity for laws ? 

“Mr. Cyclist, let us stop this conversation, 
at least for a while, and speak of some of my 
boys up there ? Tell me something about my 
saloonkeepers.” 

“Well, Mr. Devil, I am well acquainted with 
all of them in New York city. You see, I be- 
long to an aristocratic family, and we are 
allowed to go where we please. I have been 
at many entertainments at Delmonico’s. This 
is the most fashionable resort for all the gents 
in the city. Why ? Because they can get 
drunk faster and stay drunk longer than any 
other place. By making your appearance 
once there you have a carte Blanc to go to 
all the lowdown groggeries you can find. You 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 10 / 

see that whenever a gentleman gets endorsed 
by Delmonico, he is a gentleman everywhere ; 
just as a woman is privileged to ride a bicycle 
when it is endorsed by a stylish lady. You 
get a badge from Delmonico.” 

Devil : “ What is that badge ?” 

‘‘A red nose and a protuberant belly.” 

Devil : “ Go on. I sent him that from hell. 

There is nothing so pretty as a broad, red nose. 
It reminds me of my fire.” 

Cyclist ; “ In his name we fight all the bat- 

tles with the widows and orphans and those 
temperance people, whom we think have more 
brass than brains.” 

“ Stop, Mr. Cyclist ! Didn’t I tell you that 
you must speak respectfully of your hon- 
orable competitors ? Please don’t let me have 
to remind you again. Those men and women 
are doing some good for their people, but some 
of their number are a little too zealous and a 
big bit too impudent. They want to take the 
lion by the beard and use his whelps as they 
please. They have never got the lion by the 
beard. I am the lion, and my name up there 
is Whisky. They abuse the whisky sellers 
and want to enter their house and destroy 


io8 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

their property without compensation. Do you 
blame the men for rebelling and having the 
women arrested and brought to trial ? What 
right have they to destroy private property 
when the laws of the state give them license 
and guarantee them protection. But let me 
tell you, Mr. Cyclist, some of those men who 
sell whisky are as honest as those who don’t. 
They are much more decorous and persuasive 
in their manners than some of those women, 
who ought to have been at home nursing their 
babies.” 

Cyclist : Stop, Mr. Devil ! Those women 

don’t have babies ; they are too smart for that. 
When you talk about babies I see you are a 
long ways behind the w^onderful advancement 
in woman surgery. The doctor just fixes them 
so they never have babies.” 

Devil: “Has that been since Brown- 
Sequard’s invention to make them have babies 
until they were as old as old Sarah, Jacob’s 
wife ? ” 

Cyclist : “ I think, if my memory serves 

me, it was about thirty years ago since the 
great Tate, of England, proposed to stop the 
child bearing age and stop the increase of pop- 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 109 

ulation, at least of all the finer breed. He said 
it was both painful and vulgar to have chil- 
dren.” 

“ Stop, Mr. Cyclist ! I am better acquainted 
with the law than he; for the law says they 
must multiply and replenish the earth. If that 
sort of a thing is to go on, hell would soon be 
depopulated and man and woman would be 
no more.” 

“ Now, Mr. Devil, I see you are an old fogy. 
You have not kept up with the wonderful im- 
provements and inventions of the age. You 
see when Tate commenced his scientific opera- 
tions in England, it was but five days before it 
was made known to some of our very smart 
sons of Esculapius, and they went to work and 
bought them a chair and fitted up an ofilce 
a la mode de Paris^ provided themselves with 
a thousand instruments they had no use for, 
nor never will. They put this sign upon their 
doors, Come in without knocking.” Having 
been accustomed to enter a doctor’s office 
whenever I wished to consult him, I of course 
entered without knocking. The doctor politely 
informed me that I was an unwelcomed visitor, 
as his ofiice had been fitted up for women and 


no Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

girls alone. So I waved my hand and bowed 
my head in a manner that no one could do but 
a cultivated, refined and polite New York law- 
yer, and asked him to excuse me. 

‘‘ The next time I passed this office I saw the 
sign had been changed a little so as to read, 

Come in without knocking — no one admitted 
but women and girls who wish to be unsexed.” 
I tarried a while to see who was going into 
that scientific butcher’s pen, and to my great 
surprise I saw the wife of the judge of my 
court. This appalled me somewhat. But 
knowing that I was not a surgeon, if I was a 
humanitarian and philanthropist, I said noth- 
ing. Soon after I saw a beautiful young lady, 
with whom I was well acquainted. I said she 
was beautiful, for she had a beautiful suit of 
long, glossy, dark hair; her eyes were dark 
and sparkling ; her face flushed with the crim- 
son of health ; her figure perfect, and her step 
elastic ; giving every evidence of both health 
and beauty. Both of these ladies passed un- 
der my supervision for some months and I had 
ample oportunity of seeing the change. Well, 
sir, the married lady, the judge’s wife, had 
grown corpulent, lazy ; had lost her energy, 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. iii 

her characteristic wit and brilliant repartee 
which used to so delight her husband 
and friends. She bad lost all taste for 
society, which, you know, was very mor- 
tifying to a judge of superior talent and 
cultured manners, qualifications so neces- 
sary in our country to perpetuate himself in 
office. The young lady had become pale, 
haggard, worried and worn, with nothing 
but a shadow of her former self. Both had un- 
dergone that damnable operation of Tate’s. I 
use strong language to express my feelings in 
the matter of unsexing good women and let- 
ting bad men go free. No, Mr. Devil, if they 
had proposed such an operation for men to 
cure them of the greatest of their social evils, 
they would have been tarred and feathered and 
drowned in the Hudson river for fish to feed 
upon, and this would have been too good for 
them ; they ought to be burned with our phys- 
ical fire, which, though not as hot as yours, is 
sufficiently so to consume all their rotten car- 
ijasses.” 

“ Mr. Cyclist, did you not say when you first 
came here you were on an exploring expedi- 


1 12 Bicycle Road to Hell: A?t Allegory. 

tion and that you had found a shorter road to 
the center of the earth?” 

“Yes, sir; and I have.” 

Devil : “ Let me quote to you a little verse 

that you may ponder over at your leisure. 
’Tis this : 

“ ‘When chance passes frequently over, 

It at some time finds, 

Conceit takes the shorter road. 

Wisdom the longer.’ 

“ Mr. Cyclist, as you say you are of 
an aristocratic family, and sometimes I see 
you do not speak well of your competitors 
whose records are not quite as good as your 
own, let me give you a little advice. In en- 
deavoring to disparage them, you but lower 
yourself in the opinion of those whose atten- 
tion you seek to attract. In speaking well of 
a rival, you add considerably to your own dig- 
nity and manliness. You might have learned 
this lesson before you came here, as many 
reckless speeches are made in your court and 
much ill feeling engendered by not observing 
this simple law.” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 113 


BICYCLE WOMEN. 

They are a people of fierce countenance, 
which do not regard the person of the old, nor 
show favor to the young. 

“ The tender and delicate woman among you, 
which would not adventure to set the sole of 
her foot ” upon a bicycle “ for delicateness and 
tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the 
husband of her bosom, and toward her son, 
and toward her daughter.’’ 

I have quoted the fifty-sixth verse of the 
twenty -eighth chapter of Deuteronomy to show 
what effect the bicycle has upon the tender 
mother and delicate wife. 


Devil to Cyclist: Mr. Cyclist, you observed 
that when you were speaking of the doctors 
that I turned my right ear towards you that I 
might hear every word you had to say of them. 
In all the conversation we have had, this as- 
tounds me most, and I was about to throw up 
my hands and cry, ‘ Jerusalem and Gen. Jack- 
son!’ But as I had tried to teach you that 
there was strict order in hell and no enthusi- 
asm allowed, I desisted from the act. But, Mr. 


1 14 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

Cyclist, what excites me more than all the ad- 
vances in science and medicine is the thought 
that such good men should have become so 
bad of late, and that I had been getting an in- 
crease in numbers for the last twenty years. 
But I laid this to natural causes, not to 
crime. 

“Mr. Cyclist, do you not know that after 
Adam’s family began to increase, the babies 
began to have colic on account of Mrs. Adam 
eating too many grapes ? ” 

At the word grapes Cyclist cries out : 
“ Grapes are a bad thing to eat. The doctors 
say the seeds lodge in the bowels and give 
people appendicitis, which is a very danger- 
ous disease, and the bowels have to be opened 
to get them out. We have quit eating that 
luscious fruit and gone to making wine of 
them, as they did in olden times.” 

Devil ; “ What fools they be. It was the 

choice fruit in the Garden of Eden. VVhy, sir^ 
that was the prettiest thing Moses saw when 
he looked over into the promised land. You 
know Joshua and Caleb brought large bunches 
of them over to the Israelites in the wilderness, 
and the old folks just ate them up and they 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 115 

didn’t put ‘ their children’s teeth on edge,’ as 
the politicians say they do in your day. 

“ Now, Mr. Cyclist, agreeable my learning — 
and you know I am next to the Great Lawgiver 
— at the formation of Adam’s first government, 
he found that it was necessary to select three 
men of great wisdom and learning, which 
should form a superior court. He said there 
must be no more, as a multiplicity of men 
would always produce confusion and he 
wished to avoid this, so he selected one for 
each department of his government. He said 
the functions of theology, law and medicine, 
honestly and properly carried out, were suf- 
cient for any government. 

“ The department of theology was to give 
opinions concerning the soul, the most import- 
ant part of man. Knowing that there would 
be dissensions among his children, and their 
evil passions inflamed, he thought it best to 
set aside one who was imbued with the same 
spirit as the theologian, and stood in fear 
of his God, so that no prejudice would enter 
his brain. That injustice might not be done to 
any human being, and that all might have a 
fair and an honest trial, he established a 


ii6 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

branch of liis government that was called 
the law department. There was to be a 
third man found who was to combine the 
wisdom of the two, but to have the func- 
tion of one. To get this third man was a seri- 
ous job. He had to be a compound man. 
Well, after looking over all his kingdom, he 
could find but one man who had wisdom 
enough to combine the spiritual and the tem- 
poral, and advise in both courts, so he called 
him doctor, ‘ teacher.’ This distinguished title 
was never conferred on any other living man, 
except those who were in lineal descent from 
him. The theologian had to consult him. The 
lawyer had to do the same. So you see he 
was the most distinguished of the trio. I 
hope, Mr. Cyclist, this mantle has fallen on no 
other. You know Christ dared to dispute with 
these great and learned men.” 

“But stop, Mr. Devil! The lawyers say 
he disputed with them, for disputes never 
come up in medical courts, and, besides, we 
lawyers had stolen the title of doctor, and the 
divine did the same.” 

Devil : “Well, if they did, it must have been 
at a time when the old religious doctor was 


Bicycle Road to Hell: A?i Allegory, 117 

watching by the bedside of some poor woman 
on a frosty night, shivering with cold and lost 
in thought — with not even a cup of coffee to 
stimulate his ideas or warm his person — with- 
out compensation or hope of earthly reward 
— trying to save the body and the soul, while 
the theologian was comfortably enjoying his 
well apportioned room, preparing his sermon; 
the lawyer was in his elegant mansion^ with 
his silver slippers, reading his brief and think- 
ing of his fee. Do you think it strange, Mr. 
Cyclist, that Adam should have to search so 
long for such a man, and did he think that 
these two good men would ever have thought 
of stealing this honorable title from so poor, 
so humble, and yet so wise a man as a 
doctor? ” 

“ Mr. Devil, I certainly believe Adam must 
have been deceived in his selection. But, Mr. 
Devil, agreeable to my reading of ancient his- 
tory, which was translated from the Hebrew, 
this government stood for thousands of years 
and the doctor’s supremacy is still acknowl- 
edged, though it is sometimes very difficult to 
determine just who they are. The doctor has 
become a villain, the preacher a hypocrite and 


ii8 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

the lawyer a thief. Times have changed, and 
men and women have changed with them.’’ 

“I perceive so, Mr. Cyclist. There is an- 
other thing I know, and it is this : Those old, 
wise, conscientious, truly scientific doctors are 
called old fogies by young fools.” 

Cyclist : “ Yes, the old preachers who say 

that Moses did wuite the five books ascribed to 
him are old fogies. He is not up to the ad- 
vance in material theology.” 

Devil : “ Stop, Mr. Cyclist ! Moses knew 

more than all your theologians combined. I 
know he did. Don’t you think I would pay 
great attention and learn all the laws of the 
Great Lawgiver when I had to break everyone 
of them if I could ? You have some people on 
earth who are called fanatics, and I think they 
are classed in that number. Webster defines 
fanatic to mean ‘one who indulges in wild and 
extravagant notions of religion.’ 

“ But, Mr. Cyclist, I think if we continue 
this allegory much longer, they will call it a 
‘ fantasia.’ This word is veiy popular in your 
age, judging from the number of novels that 
are written, there being more than all preced- 
ing ages. The conclusion I would draw from 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 119 

this, Mr. Cyclist, is that you are living in a 
fanciful age, which is little less demoralizing 
than Tom Payne’s ‘Age of Reason.’ ” 

“But there is more truth than poetry in 
many sentences we have written.” 

Devil : “ Mr. Cyclist, do any of your judges, 

those learned, influential men, ride the bi- 
cycle ? ” 

“ Yes, sir ; many — some in Little Rock. 
You see this gives dignity to the wheel.” 

The Devil (laughing) : “ Dignity, did you 

say ? Why, they might as well say that a 
saint from heaven could add dignity to hell by 
his presence, as to say a judge adds dignity to 
a demoralizing instrument. Why, an elegant 
lady of unexceptionable morals and manners 
could not dignify the abominable thing.” 

Cyclist : “ When you spoke of doctors, you 

said nothing of the ‘ doctorines.’ ” 

Devil: “Who are ‘doctorines?’ I never 
heard of them.” 

“ They are women doctors ; they are abor- 
tionists, seance workers, Christian scientists, 
and massage women.” 

“ Stop ! Let me look at my dictionary and 
see if I can find out what those words mean. 


120 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

(Devil looks.) They are not in my die* 
tionary.” 

“Oh! no; you will find them in Webster’s 
last unabridged.” 

Devil : “ Let me tell you, Webster has more 

words in his old dictionary than I have ever 
learned, and as I cannot find them I will just 
let them pass and take your version.” 

Cyclist : “ Mr. Devil, what will become of 

them when they die % ” 

“ I told you there were neither children or 
fools in hell. The abortionist I will get, for 
she is a criminal. The others are fools, and 
will be excused. 

“Now, Mr. Cyclist, you have said nothing 
about the Jews. Have you none in New 
York ? ” 

“Yes, sir; many thousands who call them- 
selves Jews, but they are not, for they do not 
stick to Moses. They are skeptics and infidels 
by a large majority. They have control of all 
the dry goods establishments. They never 
work. They are never poor. They are not 
found in jails, never in penitentiaries, never go 
to any church, have no Sundays, always keep 
well dressed, have plenty of time for amuse- 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 12 r 

ments, live in line houses and eat fine food^ 
getting into politics and controlling elections.’^ 
Devil : Mr. Cyclist, how is all this ? Who 

gave them such privileges ? ” 

“ I’ll tell you how. They have practiced a 
system of lying, and have become so perfect 
in their trade that they can make the wisest 
man believe that he is a liar. They can outlie 
the lawyers, and that gives them the supremacy 
in any government. They can make a New 
York lawyer think he is a liar. You see they 
teach it to their children as soon as they can 
lisp.” 

Devil : “You say they are all merchants. 
Do they never get broke ? ” 

“ Yes. When they owe a Gentile a large lot 
of money, and wish to swindle him out of it, 
they will break today in the firm name of 
Jacobs and open on the other side of the street 
tomorrow under the firm name of Moses.” 

Devil: “Well, you say those fellows are 
infidels ? ” 

Cyclist: “ I should suppose so. What do 
you suppose will become of them, Mr. Devil? 

“ Well, they have never acknowledged a 
Christ, except as a bad man, which those 


122 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

sort of Jews crucified. They think they have 
no need of a Savior, for they don’t want 
to be saved from their sins — it would interfere 
greatly with their trade. They could not lie, 
and, as they think this the greatest privilege 
given to man, they want no higher honors.” 

“ But, Mr. Cyclist, I know Moses’ law and 
those fellows will have to acknowledge that 

Savior before they are saved, and they will, for 

% 

they are doing so in New York. Is that not 
so, Mr. Cyclist? ” 

“ Yes, they have a large church and are in- 
oreasing rapidly. A converted Jew has gone 
to Russia, and is doing a wonderful work 
amongst them. What will become of the good 
Jews that obey the laws of Moses ? ” 

“ Oh, they will never come here ; they are 
the best people in the world. 

“ Mr. Cyclist, did you never read some lines 
written up there by some good poet on ‘ Retri- 
bution ?’ He says, 

‘Though the mills of God grind slowly, yet they grind ex- 
ceeding small. 

Though with patience he stands waiting, with exactness 
grinds he all.’ 

“ Mr. Cyclist, I wish to quote another line or 
two of poetry, if for nothing else than to show 


23 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

you, devil that I am, I have some appreciation 
of the beautiful. I will give you a few lines 
from that inspired poet of yours, Campbell : 

“ ‘ Lochiel! Lochiel! Though my eyes I should seal, 
Man cannot keep secret what God would reveal. 

’Tis the sunset of life gives me mystical lore, ^ 

And coming events cast their shadows before. ’ 

“ If what you have told me be true of your 
people, and I know you dare not lie, what 
will be the substance of those things ?” 

“Why, sir, that fire that is to come down 
from heaven and burn up the earth is near at 
hand.” 

“ In speaking of burning up the earth, Mr. 
Cyclist, do you think it means the earth that 
is eight thousand miles in diameter and 
twenty -four thousand miles in circumference? ” 

“ Yes, Mr. Devil, isn’t that the whole earth? ” 

“ Not in tliat sense, Mr. Cyclist. You know 
five miles below the earth’s surface all vestige 
of fossil remains disappear. Now it is only 
the things God made for man before his crea- 
tion and man himself that will be destroyed, 
and it would not take a fire five miles high to 
do that. No, sir; my kingdom will stand 
when suns and moons will wax and wane no 


124 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

more. After this destruction God will stare 
another population, which I hope will be 
much better than any that have ever lived on 
the earth.’’ 

Cyclist : “ Why, Mr. Devil; don’t you want 
any more in your domain ? ” 

Devil; “ISTo, sir. Don’t it say there shall 
be a new heaven and a new earth? All the 
spirits in hell will be burned up, even to the 
modern bicycle immigrants, and I shall be left 
alone. But my walls will not be torn down, 
nor my fires quenched ; neither will the bright- 
ness of heaven or the glory of God be dimmed, 
nor will one hair of his saints be scorched, nor 
will one groan escape their lips for the de- 
struction of that wicked world, for you know 
He says so. The saints on earth will rejoice to 
see that day, but the sinner will call on the 
rocks to hide him. Yet, sir, the rocks will 
melt before him, as does snow before a mid- 
summer sun. Remember these words, Mr. Cy 
clist : ‘ Nature is a revelation of God ; art, a 

revelation of man.’ 

“ Now, Mr. Cyclist, as you said you did not 
believe there was either heaven or hell, I will 
quote a line from ‘ Merchant of Venice : ’ 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 135 
“ ‘ Now, infidel, I have thee on the hip.’ 

“ Well, Mr. Cj^clist, you have told me some- 
thing of the Protestant churches. Tell me 
something of the Roman Catholic church.” 

Cyclist : “ There is some difference between 

them. The Romanists are not exactly in con- 
formity with our free institutions. We do not 
believe that there are but two ruling spirits — 
God and your honorable self.” 

Devil : “ That’s so, sir. Who dares to say 

to the contrary ? ” 

“ The Romanists, sir.” 

“ Who do they say the other is ? ” 

“ The pope of Rome.” 

‘‘ Why, I thought that city had been de- 
stroyed long ago ; so says my geography. At 
the time of its destruction, was not the pope 
destroyed with it? ” 

“ I suppose he was. But this pope is one 
of his descendants, and as the first was infal- 
lible, the last will be also. And, as you see 
we Americans do not recognize any temporal 
authority except our President, their belief 
in the supremacy of the pope is giving us a 
little trouble, particularly in this election year. 
A party has grown up and has become quite 


126 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

numerous, who are bitterly opposed to any 
Romanist holding office in America. Be this 
right or wrong, I am unable to say. We know 
that one of the best patriots the south had 
during her late unpleasantness was Father 
Ryan, who wrote so many patriotic songs which 
breathed the spirit of freedom with such 
matchless eloquence that even his enemies ad- 
mired him. So fervent was his zeal in the 
Confederate cause that, had the pope of Rome 
sent him an order, signed by his immaculate 
hand and stamped with the holy seal, he would 
have recognized no order unless countersigned 
by Jefferson Davis. No, sir ; this holy patriotic 
father would not have sent a southern Cath- 
olic soldier to purgatory, even had it been the 
pope’s orders.” 

Devil : “ I suppose he would like to have 

had the whole Federal army in purgatory if he 
had not sent them a little further.” 

‘•But he would have released them as soon 
as they confessed their sins, for he was a love- 
ly, holy man. Mr. Devil, what do you think 
about purgatory ? ” 

Devil : “ I have no knowledge of the coun- 

try at all, sir. It is not on my map. It may 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 127 

be a hole in the ground near the surface of the 
earth, just as there are many sinkholes ; but 
this particular hole you speak of, that you call 
purgatory, I never heard of before.” 

“ I see, Mr. Devil, you are not as well posted 
as I thought you were. To know as much as 
a New York lawyer you must be higher in the 
pictures. I’ll explain. Purgatory is a place 
in the earth where departed spirits are kept 
before going to hell or heaven. While there, 
they can be prayed out if they have money 
enough. Where a fellow has a long purse it 
takes some time to move him upwards, and af- 
ter a long while he is lightened of his bag of 
silver or gold, and he is sent on his way heaven- 
ward. When he arrives at St. Peter’s gate, St. 
Peter asks him where his bag of gold is. 

“ He says, ‘ I left it with the priest in purga- 
tory.’ 

“ ‘ Then you must go back and get it, sir. 
No loafers are allowed to pass this gate.’ 

“ So the fellow goes back, finds no money, 
and has to make his way to hell. What do 
you do with him, Mr. Devil ? ” 

‘‘Admit him, of course. I turn no one away. 
I told 3^ou I was hospitable. 


128 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegoiy, 

“ When you spoke of doctors, you said noth- 
ing of homoeopaths. Tell us something of 
them, Mr. Cyclist.” 

“Well, sir, they are a sort of passive peo- 
ple. They do no good or harm with their 
medicine. They commence with nothing and 
€nd Avith the same. They say they watch 
nature and let her do as she pleases.” 

Devil: “Watch nature, did you say? 
Why, nature watches herself. Do they charge 
anything for their watch ? ” 

Cyclist: “ Yes, sir ; the largest fees of any 
other doctors, and go in more style.” 

“You don’t tell me so, Mr. Cyclist. Why, 
those persons are fools. Nature never charged 
anyone for watching her. Those fellows are 
deceivers. When I get them I Avill take some 
of that style out of them. You know, Mr. 
Cyclist, that it is said that a fool and his 
money soon part. This is an instance of the 
truth of the saying. 

“ Mr. Cyclist, while on doctors, give me a 
little more of the ‘doctorine.’ You say some 
are Christian science women. What does that 
mean ?” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 129 

Cyclist ; ‘‘A woman or man who pretends 

to cure disease by expelling evil spirits by 
conjuration, prayers and ceremonies.” 

Devil : “ Why, Mr. Cyclist, did you not say 

you were advancing ? This seems to me that 
the advance is backward, for Shakespeare ex- 
posed those people in his day. I think there 
are many things you have told me you believe 
new, but they are as old as the hills. But this 
Christian science, of all advantages taken of 
ignorance, is the greatest, the most tutelary of 
morals. It is said, ‘ Only a woman can under- 
stand a woman’s ills, but it takes a man to 
cure them.’ ” 

Cyclist: “Mr. Devil, you recollect you 
asked me something about your boys, the 
saloonkeepers, but you did not give me time 
to draw a picture of one of those ‘ dives.’ This 
is a place where liquor and women are the 
predominant characters. To make my descrip- 
tion short, I will introduce a scene in one of 
them, taken from the Youths^ Companion, It 
is more comprehensive than anything I could 
say. You will endorse the truth of it, as it 
was written by one of those old, conscientious 
doctors that you yourself say are the wisest 


130 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

and best men in all Christendom. Here it is. 
We give it in text : 

“ ‘A few weeks ago I was called to the help 
of a man who was mortally wounded in one of 
the dance halls or ‘ dives ’ of the city (New 
York). When I had attended my patient, I 
looked curiously about me. The wounded 
man lay before the bar, against which lounged 
some drunken old sots. In the next room a 
few young men, flushed and bright eyed, were 
playing cards, while the gaudiliy dressed bar- 
maids carried about the liquor. But neither 
the gamblers, nor the women, nor the drunk- 
ards paid any attention to the dying man on 
the floor. They squabbled and laughed, deaf 
to his groans. The proprietor of the dive, a 
burly fellow, who had been a prize fighter in 
his younger days, having seen the police secure 
the murderer, had gone back quietly to his 
work mixing drinks. Death apparently had 
no interest or terror for these people. 

“ ‘Suddenly a little old woman, with white 
hair, a thin shawl about her, came to the street 
door. Her appearance produced a startling 
effect. The besotted old men at the bar put 
down their glasses and looked uneasy, the card 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 13 1 

players hastily shut the door to keep out of 
sight of her, and the barmaids huddled to- 
gether in silence, but the change in the brutal 
landlord was most striking. He rose hastily, 
and came up to her, an expression of some- 
thing like teraor on his face. 

“ ‘ “ Is James here ? ” she asked gently. 

‘‘ ‘ “ No, no ; he is not here. I do not know 
where he is,” he said hurriedly. 

“ ‘ She looked around bewildered, and said : 
“I was sure he was here. If he comes, will 
you tell him his mother wants him, sir ? ” 
u t u Yes, yes,” he said ; and the man urged 
her out of the door. 

“ ‘ I soon followed and saw her going into 
another dive and grogshop along tbe street. 

u < a jg she?” I asked of a policeman 
outside. “Is she in no danger?” 

“ ‘ He shook his head significantly. “ They 
will not harm her, sir,” he said. They’ve done 
their worst to her. She is the widow of a 
clergyman, and she had one son, a boy of six- 
teen years. They lived happy and comfort- 
able enough till he took to going to poolrooms, 
and then to the variety theater, and at last to 
these dives here. He was killed in one of 


132 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

them in a light three months ago — in that very 
one you was just in now — and was carried 
home to her, bloated from drink, covered with 
blood — and dead. She knows nothing since. 
She only remembers that he came to these 
houses, and she goes about searching for him 
every da3^ They are afraid to see her. They 
think she brings a curse on them. But they 
won’t harm her; they’ve done their worst.” ’ ” 

Devil : “ I have listened to your narrative 

attentively, and had a devil a tearsack in his 
eyes, he would let a tear fall on his burning 
cheek; but you know I told you there was not 
a drop of water in hell. 

“ Mr. Cyclist, this makes my heart feel sad. 
If that old doctor would relate his experience, 
wouldn’t it have more effect than all the tem- 
perance speeches that have ever been made ? 
That scoundrel and those women and gamblers 
I will get, and vengeance is mine, and I will 
repay. It is a pity I could not send a despatch 
to the upper world to let that old woman know 
how I shall treat them. 

“ Mr. Cyclist, do those men and women you 
speak of ride the pretty little conveyance you 
have?” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 133 

“ Yes, sir ; they are the best patrons the 
manufacturers have. You see, they just take 
a spill out at night — always at, night for 
they love darkness rather than light, because 
their deeds are evil. They generally go out 
about 8 o’clock and return at 12. This is the 
time all these sort of cyclists come in to get a 
drink and spend the night in all sorts of rev- 
elry. They pick up a good many unsophisti- 
cated boys and girls and lead them to this den 
of corruption, where just such scenes occur as 
the old doctor gave in his narrative. Suppose 
I was to tell you, Mr. Devil, that this was hap- 
ening every night in the city of New York, 
would you believe it ? ” 

“ Certainly, sir ; I am prepared to believe 
anything you may sa}^ of New York city that 
is damnable, for I told you at the start that 
sulphur would not make them any blacker. I 
now tell you that charcoal would make a white 
mark upon many of them.” 

Cyclist: “Pastors are lamenting greatly 
the demoralizing effects of Sunday bicycling. 
We hear complaints that the young people are 
becoming so enamored with it as to neglect the 
church service, the Sunday school, the Chris- 


134 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

tian Endeavor and prayer meetings. It is 
causing others to decline in grace and activity. 
This is a sad state of things. 

“ But, surely, the evil has not gone so far 
hut that it may he checked and remedied. To 
this end let parents he on the alert and forhid 
all improper use of the bicycle upon the Sah- 
hath. Let pastors kindly admonish, rehuke 
and restrain the offenders. And let Christians 
discourage all Sahhath desecration in this or 
any other way. 

“ Now let us quote the sayings of some of 
these reverential Sahhath minders and week 
destroyers : 

“ ‘ The bicycle has come to stay. It has be- 
come a necessity as well as delight. It is sup- 
planting other modes of locomotion. It is a 
good thing in its place (if it has a place), prov- 
ing a measure of recreation, health and busi- 
ness. It has, also, in some directions worked 
a moral improvement, enticing numbers from 
the theater, the saloon, the gambling table and 
other vicious occupations.’ 

‘•Now, Mr. Devil, don’t you think the min- 
ister who made this pretty little speech for the 
manufacturer got a bicycle and a thousand 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 135 

dollars for it ? The preacher is riding ]^on the 
bicycle every night with the girls, and if he is 
a married man some innocent ma may see in 
the morning paper that he has escaped with 
her fifteen year old daughter. 

“ ‘ Of all the sights I ever saw, 

’Twas in the state of Arkansas; 

A preacher on a cycle sped, 

To split the air and cool his head.’ ” 

Now, Mr. Cyclist, you have given me all 
the information I desire about New York city, 
which, you say, is the metropolis of the United 
States because it has the largest population of 
any other city in America. This is all so. 
Now, Mr. Cyclist, as there has never been a 
place where man could go that woman would 
not follow him — for if there was no woman 
there, or one to come soon, he would commit 
suicide, if he had to hang himself with a bark 
rope — do you suppose she will be brave 
enough to take this trip?’’ 

“ Yes, sir; I am looking for one soon.” 

The devil casts his eye up the line, and what 
does he see — something coming at the rate of 
a thousand miles an hour. He cannot make it 
out. Is it a man ? No. Is it a woman? No. 


136 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

What is it ? As the object draws near, he dis- 
covers the dress. It is a bloomer ! He says it 
is not the dress of a man, neither that of a 
woman. What is it ? Can’t tell. He looks at 
the face. Is it a woman ? No; it hasn’t the 
features of a woman. The eyes are wild and 
glassy; it cannot roll them in its head. Its 
hair is short, like that of a man. Its foot is 



long, without any heel. The stockings it has 
on show no fat, symmetrical calves, the beauty 
of a woman’s leg. The thing seems to be 
alive. It draws near. It stops — it is a wo- 
man! Just as she arrives the lawyer turns 
his cycle and says : “ Good bye, Devil. I have 
seen enough of you and the center of the 
eiarth.” And away he goes. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 137 

Devil to Woman : “Where are you from ? 

“ Chicago, Illinois.” 

“Ah, indeed ! You can give me quite as 
much information as I got out of the New 
York lawyer. Did you say you were a wo- 
man ? ” 

“Yes.” 

“A sure enough woman ? ” 

“Yes.” 

“Aren’t you a hybrid ? ” 

“ No ; I am the new woman.” 

“ I thought so, for of all the women I have 
in hell, I have nothing like you. You are a 
new invention on me. I thought I knew all 
kinds of women and girls from every portion 
of the globe, but this beats me. The lawyer 
told me that great advancement was being 
made in the United States. Are you one of 
the recent ones ? ” 

“Yes, sir. We have learned to bring the^ 
two halves of humanity together and make 
one, the success of which you have before 
you. The most wonderful thing about this 
new woman — or hybrid, as you are pleased ta 
call me — is that we can propagate our 
species.” 


138 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

Devil : “ I shall have an embargo placed 

upon the shipping. I want nothing here that 
Ood did not make, for I can’t tell whether they 
are good or bad. They are hybrids, and God 
never made a hybrid. Man makes them. If 
you can propagate yourself, I shall have to 
put you off in some uninhabited part of my 
kingdom and let them send a devil to preside 
over you. I know nothing about your natures. 

“Are you a politician or a temperance 
lecturer?” 

“Both. sir. I am a combination.” 

“ I thought so, M shall I say miss, or 

madam, or man? Please instruct me.” 

“ New woman, sir.” 

“ You say you are a politician ? 

“ I thought so, for they say politics makes 
strange bedfellows, and I suppose even hybrid 
women have not ceased to be bedfellows of 
men.” 

“No, sir; but on a strict equality.” 

Devil: “Please tell me something about 
the female cj^ciists of Chicago ? ” 

“ Well, sir, they are equal in every respect 
to the women of New York ; though I suppose 
the New York lawyer told you they were 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 139 

superior, as you know there is a great rivalry 
between Chicago and New York. This rivalry 
is not so honorable as it should be. Ever 
since Chicago got the appropriation for the 
World’s Fair, New York has been jealous of 
her. Jealousy is an evil passion, as you 
know, Mr. Devil, and is better developed in the 
woman than the man. Don’t you hear of a 
great many murders committed by women and 
men, and that a woman was at the bottom 
of it?” 

“Oh, yes! But jealousy is a divine attri- 
bute, for don’t the good book say, ‘ I am a 
jealous God.’ But, She Cyclist, did you not 
know that love was the foundation of jealousy? 
You must first love before 3^011 can be jealous, 
for you know God first loved his people before 
He became jealous of them. Of all the pas- 
sions, jealousy is that which exacts the hard- 
est service and pays the bitterest wages. Its 
service is to watch the success of our enemy ; 
its wages, to be sure of it.” 

“ Now, Mr. Devil, don’t you think revenge is 
the sweetest part of jealousy ? ” 

Devil : “ For me it is, for it gets me many a 

oustomer that I would otherwise lose. But, 


140 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

She Cyclist, what does the good book say? 
‘ Love your enemies, and do good to them that 
hate you.” 

She Cyclist: “Don’t you think it would 
take a divine nature for me or any other wo- 
man, whose husband has been beguiled away 
from his bed and board by a pretty, deceitful,, 
frisky, foul mouthed girl ; who has left his wife 
to take care of herself and children, and 
spends his money in brothels, while his ten- 
der, loving, faithful wife stands at the front 
door on a cold night, shivering, sighing and 
weeping for this great neglect of her whose 
soul is wrapped up in him, and who would 
willingly lay down her life for him in any- 
thing, save her virtue, which she holds dearer 
than life? ” 

Devil: “You say you are a politician and 
a temperance lecturer ? ” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“ Then I perceive you must be a person of 
much intelligence. And, as I wish to know 
something more about those ‘doctor! nes’ than 
the lawyer could tell me, for he was very brief 
and very heavy upon them, I will simply ask 
you to give me your information.” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 14 1 

“ With pleasure, sir, as I am one myself, 
and I am proud of my profession. ‘ Doctor- 
ines’ are of two classes. The scientific ones 
have to pass through the training of a regular 
medical school and get a diploma, as do the 
males.’’ 

Devil : “ Do you learn surgery ? ” 

“Yes, sir; but rarely practice it.” 

Devil : “ I thought not. What branches do 

you practice most ? ” 

“ Obstetricy.” 

“Why?” 

“Because we were the first obstetricians on 
record. You know there is no record of a man’s 
delivering a woman in the old Hebrew times, 
for you know Moses, the great leader of the 
Israelites, was delivered by a woman, and it is 
more than possible that Gen. Washington, the 
great leader of the Americans, was delivered 
by a woman. Midwives were more numerous 
in those days than in these modern days, 
when women must be delivered by science. 
Mr. Devil, if the men had not usurped the high 
privileges of a woman and had left her to the 
duties assigned her by her God, there would 
have been no ‘doctorines.’ Now, Mr. Devil, 


142 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

if you have kept up with the advances in tlie 
United States you have found that man has 
stolen every occupation woman had, and that 
in order for her to make a living, she had to 
join herself to him, which qualified her to share 
alike with him his high prerogatives. Once 
she was his superior, now she is his equal. 
This explains to you the origin and necessity 
of the new woman.” 

Devil ; “ I see ; men have become women 

and women have become man.” 

Devil : “ Don’t you think these people will 

all have to go to purgatory when they die? 
They can’t come here, for we have no place for 
them.” 

New Woman : “ What do you think of the 

new woman since I have described her to 
you ? ” 

.Devil : “Well, since you ask a devil’s opin- 
ion, I will give it to you. Now, as I told the 
lawyer, one must lie to come to hell, but 
neither he nor she could lie to get away from 
here. Everyone has to tell the truth — no ex- 
ceptions made for women, however beautiful or 
ugly they may be. You know I am a crusty 
old bachelor — never had a wife. When I was 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 143 . 

kicked out of heaven, no Eve came with me. 
You know in what estimation an old bachelor 
is held by the women up there. Just multiply 
that by a million and you can tell how a devil 
bachelor is held by them here. 

‘‘ New Woman Cyclist, do all those ‘doctor- 
ines’ take a regular course in medicine ? ■ ’ 

“No, sir; some are practicing without 
license.” 

“Do you make no distinction between 
them? ” 

“Yes ; those that have no diplomas are 
called classically ‘ irregulars ; ’ vulgarly, ‘ she 
devils.’ ” 

Devil: “ But, madam, let us return to the 
bicycle. You see, I address you as a woman^ 
for I wish to talk to you as a woman. I will 
ask you a few questions. Have you many fe- 
male cyclists in Chicago ? ” 

“A multitude.” 

“ You say they are all new women ? ” 

“No, sir; about seventy-five per cent of 
them.” 

“ Who are the other twenty-five per cent?” 

“ Oh, they are Euths, ‘ beauty; ’ and Rosa- 
bels, ‘ a fair rose.’ ” 


144 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

“Who are the sevent^^-live ‘combination’ 
women ? ” 

“They are mostly Matildas, ‘mighty battle- 
maids’ — ‘heroines.’ ” 

“ You have given me a correct history, as it 
agrees with the outlines of what the New 
Yorker told me. Another question I have to 
ask you, madam, and it is one of great inter- 
est to me, and one which my mind has been 
puzzled over ever since you told me that you 
were not a hybrid. It is this : 

“ You say that you can propagate your 
species. What sort of babies do you have ? ” 

“ Bicycle babies, sir.” 

“ What kind are they?” 

“ Babies without fathers, sir.” 

Devil (astonished) : “ Do they live long ? ” 

“ No, sir. They are born out of season, as 
some of the Israelite children were.” 

“ Then we have no fear of that population 
increasing.” 

“None at all.” 

“ I am glad of that, for I did not want to 
divide my kingdom. What would they call 
themselves if they were to live — Americans ? ” 

“ No, sir ; Universalists, for they are spread 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 145 

over the civilized world. Those parts of the 
world, as England and France and the United 
States, where there has been great advance- 
ment in science and art, produce the most of 
them. You see, in these countries the new 
woman — or combined woman, as you will — 
has brought together the great leading princi- 
ples of our natures and harmonized it so as to 
mean, ‘Bo as you please, woman.’ So you 
see we have no restraint by the men, and 
claim nothing of it from ourselves.” 

Devil : “ I will ask you a few more ques- 

tions, which you need not hesitate to answer, 
though they may seem to be a little vulgar. 
As I see you wear a brassy face and a 
devil’s eye, you can make familiar on such 
subjects. Has bicycle riding by women had a 
tendency to demoralize woman, to disregard 
her marital rights, and bring upon herself 
physical, moral and spiritual turpitude, and 
has it a tendency to bring the young girls in 
close proximity with the boys at places? — 
devil as I am, it makes me blush to call their 
names. I won’t, for I have still some respect 
for that part of you which looks like a wo- 
man. Answer my question truthfully.” 


146 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

Cyclist: “ Well, Mr. Devil, it is said you 
have to make confessions to the devil as to 
your former life and your secret thoughts. I 
will tell you the truth. The Woman’s Rescue 
League, a philanthropic organization in Wash- 
ington, D. C., has commenced none too soon in 
their crusade against the wheel for women. 
The statement given by the old doctor in 
Arkansas knocks the black out, and if the 
capitalists don’t buy up all the leading papers 
in the United States and throw their criticisms 
against that little book, the wheel will be blot- 
ted out as a thing of the past, with shouts of 
joy and gladness from every woman’s heart.” 

Devil : “ Another question I wish to ask 

you, madam. I read in the Times -Herald^ 
Cliicago, this : 

“ ‘ It is doubtless true that many young wo- 
men ride to excess and lay the foundations of 
future physical ailments of a grave character ; 
but where one woman is so foolish as to do 
this, a hundred ride the wheel sensibly, 
decently and healthfully.’ ” 

“Well, Mr. Devil, you ask me my opinion 
of his remarks. It is this : The editor is an 
old fashioned man. He is not up to the tricks 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 147 

of tlie new woman. As an expert cyclist, who 
has rode more miles on the wheel than all the 
editors in Chicago, I give this answer : 

“ The reverse of what he says is true, and, 
had he my experience as to the effect it has 
had on the young women everywhere, he would 
have crape upon his door, instead of writing 
such nonsense— perhaps for a consideration.’’ 

Devil : The Herald goes on to say : 

‘‘ ‘ It is also doubtless true that to the woman 
of impure life, the wheel may^ offer a conven- 
ient means for facilitating the execution of im- 
moral designs, but that the pastime itself has a 
tendency to degrade or demoralize is a propo- 
sition too absurd for a moment’s consideration. 
A woman who will violate the decencies and 
proprieties of life while wheeling will violate 
them upon other occasions when the oppor- 
tunity is offered. Where one woman rides to 
desecration on the wheel, a thousand ride to 
good health, and maintain all the decorum, 
modesty and circumspection that characterize 
the well bred, self respecting woman from the 
ideal American homes.’ 

‘‘ Now, Miss Cyclist — for I can address you 
in any of the three names — what answer would 


148 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

you give to the quotation I have just 
read?’’ 

“ I answer I am one of those young ladies of 
the thousand he speaks of, or, I had better 
say, I have been one. The wheel has a very 
fascinating charm for young ladies. One is 
that they like the sport as they do the round 
dance, because the gentlemen are permitted to 
take more liberties than were allowed in olden 
times. One is that it produces of itself the 
most pleasurable sensations, known to none 
but cyclists. Another is that under excite- 
ment of this sensation a prudent, modest and 
virtuous girl may be led astray before she has 
time to think. Still another, whose nature is 
bad, has no check put upon her desires, and 
therefore becomes abandoned in a short time. 
1 have known girls, Mr. Devil, that I thought 
and believed were as pure as the snow in win- 
ter upon our Catskill mountains, led into 
places and there debauched, and there left to 
become the vilest of the vile. I myself trav- 
eled this road, and can speak from experience. 
My advice to virtuous young ladies would be 
to keep off the bicycle.” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 149 

Devil : “ But are there not many women 

who deny this statement ? Don’t the very best 
ladies of your land ride the wheel ? ” 

“ Yes, sir.” 

“And are there not in Washington City a 
very large and respectable class of ladies who 
do not desire to have children, and if the 
effects of the cycle accomplishes this end, do 
you wonder at its being popular with them ? ” 
“ They are virtuous, respectable, wealthy, 
and their husbands are in high positions. 
But, Mr. Devil, did you not know when a mem- 
ber of congress comes to Washington City it 
is rulable for him to change his wife for the 
time being. Both houses of congress have 
passed this rule. It is not recorded in the 
transactions which come before the people^ 
but it is recorded upon the tablets of their 
memories;- It is a secrect rule which never 
came to light until Breckenridge, the seducer^ 
was greeted with a kiss by many of the secret 
rule order.” 

Devil : “ But does familiar association 

necessarily become immodest? ” 

Cyclist; “ N'o, sir; but it tends to im- 
modesty.” 


150 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

Devil : ‘ There is no doubt that the bicycle 

has promoted familiar association between 
men and women. It has in many cases let 
down a certain amount of restraint which gov- 
erned women as long as they were accustomed 
to live more or less secluded in their own 
homes. But these have not necessarily im- 
paired either the modesty or the virtue of wo- 
men, as the rescuing ladies of the national 
capital seem to think and even aver. 

“ ‘ Whether this tendency, which may per- 
haps be called a “ cornmoning” tendency, will 
go any further remains to be seen. We be- 
lieve that those women who are modest will be 
modest still. We are told of a time when a 
woman would faint if a “ strange ” man so 
much as caught a glimpse of her well turned 
ankle — ’ ” 

‘‘Stop, Mr. Devil! Cyclists have no well 
turned ankles for reasons heretofore given, but 
we have long since passed that stage of civili- 
zation. The modern woman on a bicj^cle does 
not faint so easily. No, sir; she does not. 
For I have seen the most modest of them on a 
windy day have their petticoats hoisted above 
the line of demarkation between the upper and 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 15 1 

lower extremities without producing a blush, 
much less a faint.” 

Devil : “ ‘ She is a stronger and more sensi- 

ble woman, but no one but another woman, or 
set of women, leagued under the name of “ Res- 
cuers,” would presume to say that she is also 
more immoral.’ 

“ I have read from the Iowa State Register. 
What have you to say of that ? ” 

Miss Cyclist : The editor is either trying to 
excuse his wife, daughter or friend, or else he 
knows nothing of the effects of the wheel. I 
ask you, Mr. Devil, if you were a beautiful 
girl, modest, refined and cultured, which you 
would rather be like — the one who fainted at 
the exhibition of her ankle to strangers, or the 
one who did not blush when both legs and 
knees were exposed to the gaze of the vul- 
gar ?” 

Devil : “ Give me the old gal every time.” 

“ But, Mr. Devil, I cannot but think when 
the editor wrote that article, that if there was 
a mirror before him, that he saw himself 
blush to think he had written that which 
he did not believe. Editors do not always 
mirror their thoughts to their readers.” 


152 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory » 

Devil: ^‘Now, Mrs. Bicyclist, you said you 
were tlie best rider on the wheel in America, 
and had ridden more miles than all the editors 
in Chicago.” 

‘‘ Yes, sir.” 

“Then I presume you have taken a spin 
down to that place in Arkansas called Hot 
Springs. Tell me, are there many cyclists 
there ? ” 

“ No, sir. They are too badly diseased to 
ride the wheel, nor was the disease brought on 
by cycle riding. I would prefer the cycle de- 
formity to the Hot Springs fever.” 

Devil : “ Did you know that place was said 

to be only ten miles from hell ? ” 

“ Yes, sir. But I think it is nearer than that. 
Indeed, when I saw the decrepitude, heard the 
moaning, the weeping and the groaning, and 
witnessed men and women covered all over 
with very offensive smelling sores, I thought of 
poor old Job, whom, you know, was so afflicted 
that he was covered with sores from head to 
toot. Yes, sir, I thought this was a physical 
hell, typical of the place your majesty presides. 


over. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 153 

“ Well, Mrs. Cyclist, Hot Springs is one of 
tlie mouths of hell. I get a great deal of fuel 
from that place, but it is so saturated with hot 
water and the bodies are so rotten they do not 
make a good flame. Sometimes they make so 
much steam that I have to open the valves and 
let it out. This is what is called ‘ foul vapors ’ 
up in that city. 

“ Now, Mrs. Cyclist, there is another place 
in Arkansas about which I should like to get 
more information than the lawyer could give 
me. I have been looking upon my map and 
And there is quite a little city in that state 
called Little Rock, which is a flourishing place 
of forty thousand inhabitants. It is abreast 
with all the modern improvements of older 
cities. It is called the City of Roses in his- 
tory. This ought to be a lovely place, where 
one can breathe the pure fresh air, perfumed 
with the odor of the rose. I hear that it has 
some of the prettiest girls and loveliest women 
of any city in the South, and the purest in 
morals and manners — the seed of the old 
fashioned, modest, intelligent, beautiful, love- 
ly, sweet old dames that gave such prominence 


1 54 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

all over the world to these types of southern 
culture/- 

“ Mr. Devil, I see you make use of the word 
‘ some.’ You use it rightfully. I spent many 
weeks in Little Kock — weeks of the greatest 
pleasure I ever spent. It was about a year 
ago, when the wheel was first being introduced 
among the better class of ladies ; and, as you 
know the wheel is called the ‘ commoner,’ I 
had an insight into, and a participation with 
all classes, from the big fat colored woman to 
the most cultivated and refined.” 

Devil : “ The big fat wench would furnish a 

nice picture for the artist.” 

“ The wheel is not so popular in Little Rock 
— or, indeed, in any portion of the south — as in 
the north and east. This may be accounted 
for in two ways. The older ladies in the south 
were mostly educated and trained by teachers 
sent out from Massachusetts, that old state 
which was forming the morals, religions and 
social qualities of the south. Those ladies 
were well taught in all that goes to make up 
the model woman of the world.” 

Devil : “ Hadn’t Massachusetts better send 

south and get some of her old seed and plant 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 155 

them in some of her filthy, vaporous valleys? 
Massachusetts has left her moorings, if what 
you say is true, for Boston is one of the vilest 
places in the United States.’’ 

“ The second reason is that there is an inate 
refinement about southern ladies, furnishing a 
good stock for Massachusetts to graft her mor- 
als and culture upon.” 

Devil : “ Are there many female cyclists in 

Dittle Rock ? ” 

“Yes, sir; perhaps as many as you will 
find in any place of its size, perhaps more. 
There are some reasons for this. Little Rock 
is a place where people live up to all their 
earnings, and many go beyond. It is a 
wealthy place, for it is in the center of the 
cotton belt. Cotton, you know, is yet king, 
and cotton raisers are kings and queens ; and 
if you could see their royal style of dress you 
would think they were.” 

Devil : “Are there any of that old Massa- 
chusetts seed you spoke of riding a wheel?” 

“No, sir; but their daughters are.” 

Devil : “ Do they sanction it ? ” 

“ Mr. Devil, I see you are a long ways be- 
hind the times. The old ladies must get the 


156 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

sanction of their daughters. Do you know 
what that means ? To stay at home, do all the 
work through the week, and get their permis- 
sion to go to church on Sunday.” 

“ Wei], Mrs. Cyclist, how do the wheelers 
class themselves ? You say it is a ‘commoner,’ 
hut there are classifications in all societies.” 

“Yes, sir; they classify in Little Kock. You 
see, all sorts, sizes and conditions of people 
ride the wheel ; and at first it was no new sight 
to see a large, fat colored woman spinning by 
the side of her white mistress, and a burly, low 
grade coachman spinning by the side of his 
master. This was a little too much social 
equality for those aristocratic southerners. So 
they formed a spinning club that they called 
the ‘ Lilly Whites.’ None could belong to this 
club who hadn’t a character. The negroes see- 
ing this, formed a club they called the ‘ Kose 
Bud.’ ” 

Devil : “ Stop ! Black rose and bad odor ?” 

“ Yes, sir ; equal to any of those foul vapors 
you turn loose upon Hot Springs. The ‘ Rose 
Buds’ admit the whites who believe in social 
equality and any other quality that presents 
itself.” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 157 

Devil : Are the ‘ Lilly Whites ’ increasing 
Tery fast ? ” 

“ No ; fast declining, while the ‘ Rose Buds ’ 
are growing amazingly.’’ 

Devil : “ VVhat do the members of the 

ohiirch say about female cyclists ? ” 

“ They are like the fellow who was ridden on 
a rail. Either side he fell was better than the 
rail.” 

Devil: “ Woman, you have listened to the 
song of the siren, which wooed you but to de- 
stroy. 

“Madam, I have gotten all the informa- 
tion from you I desire, for Chicago has been 
noted for its immorality, more particularly 
since her World’s Fair, for then she invited all 
the devils in the world to show their tricks, 
which had a very demoralizing effect upon the 
already demoralized. Strange to say, that 
Americans, who had enjoyed the reputation of 
being the most practical, the most honest and 
the most progressive in true science, religion 
and the arts, should have been led astray by 
my wonderful displays of vice and immorality. 
I tell you, since America has gotten to wor- 
shiping heathen gods — for already the Chinese 


158 Bicycle Road to Hell: A 7 i Allegory. 

have set up their images in New York city, and 
are allowed to worship them in Christian 
America without fear of molestation — how 
long will it be before the horns of sin and 
corruption will blow down their walls, as they 
did Jericho ? How long ? 

“ Before dismissing you, madam, I would 
like to talk to you about other cities in the 
west — St. Louis and Kansas City — but as I 
have had a very agreeable conversation with 
you and the lawyer, representing the two great 
intelligences of the two sexes, and also that 
last invention of woman — the new woman — I 
suppose they are all of an ilk, and the two 
descriptions will answer for all. Goodbye, 
Miss Cyclist.” 

“ Goodbye, Devil. I shall return to the 
surface of the earth and give a description of 
the bicycle road to hell, which I wish to relate 
in your hearing, lest I should misrepresent. I 
found the road well graded, at a declention 
heretofore described. From the time I entered 
the tunnel things began to look dark ; but I 
could see gaslights and hear the trickling of 
water from the sides of the earth. I could also 
hear the shouts of the Democrats when Bryan 


Bicycle Road to Mell: An Allegory, 15 ^ 

was nominated by that party. I have not 
seen a tree, shrub, rose, lily or any other beau- 
tiful tiling on the surface. When I had tra- 
versed about ten miles, I suppose, from the top, 
I could hear distant thunder and see vivid 
flashes of lightning. Things then began to 
grow darker until the blackness of darkness 
appeared. This was the last I saw or heard — 
no music, no song bird^ warbling in the treetops, 
nor the sound of the whip-o-will at night ; no 
screaming of the policemen at night ; saw no 
arrests of the poor, famishing men and wo- 
men for lying on a plank, or stealing a cab- 
bagehead to keep from starving. All these 
vanished from my eyes, and when I recollected 
these scenes which passed so often before my 
eyes, I was glad that the bicycle had fixed my 
eyes so that I could see nothing but what was 
ahead of me. Oh ! that it had fixed my 
memory that I never could recur to those dark 
pictures, so revolting to a sensitive mind.” 

Devil : “As you know, it is customary for 
stylish ladies after saying goodbye to stand 
at the front door or swing upon the gate posts 
and hold a conversation for an hour, the quin- 
tescence of which would not make a sentence 


i6o Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

of common sense. By this rule I would ask 
your permission to detain you a short time by 
way of apology. I read in a newspaper the 
following lines : 

The Devil reads: “‘As a Wentworth ave- 
nue car left Sixty-fourth street the other morn- 
ing in Chicago, it was noticed that fully half 
the women were swinging from the straps over- 
head, while fully half a dozen men were buried 
in their newspapers on each side of the car. 
Finally one young man arose and offered his 
seat to one of the women, and one after an- 
other the other fellows did the same, although 
in a half hearted manner.’ 

“ ‘ Those were southern young men, who had 
never forgotten to respect woman, though it 
was the ‘ new woman.’ 

“ ‘ One young fellow, in a soft hat and 
knickerbockers, appeared utterly oblivious 
to what was going on, and he became the 
object of the angry glances of all the 
women left standing in the car. The men 
cast withering glances at him, while the wo- 
men began a systematic plan of warfare. 
“ Hope he enjoys his paper,” said one fair dam- 
sel to her companion, as she shifted uneasily 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, i6i 

from one foot to another. Such remarks as, 
“ He doesn’t look like an invalid,” and One 
would think from his appearance he was a 
gentleman,” floated from one end of the car to 
the other. When the car reached Twenty- 
second street, the object of all this feminine 
wrath arose, folded her paper and deliberately 
alighted. Then it was the passengers discov- 
ered he was an up-to-date bloomer girl, and 
the silence that fell over the crowd could be 
heard clear to the Board of Trade.’ 

“ Now, Miss Cyclist, I wish to know if this is 
true, or if it is one of those canards so often 
indulged in by newspaper men ? ” 

Cyclist : “ It is true, every word of it.” 

Devil : “ Then you will excuse me for not 

knowing whether you were a man or a woman, 
since the inventors of the ‘ new woman ’ them- 
selves can’t tell which is which. Don’t you 
know it is said of John Gilpin, ‘ Where he did 
get up, there he did get down?’ Won’t the 
bicycle end the same way, viz, where the man- 
ufacturer of bicycles got rich, by the same he 
shall be made poor ? 

“ Miss Cyclist, you see by your conversation 
with me that there are two great forces operat- 


1 62 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

ing in every human being of intelligence. These 
forces are for good or evil. Man is a limited 
free agent. He can form habits for himself 
which are for good or evil, but he cannot 
change or alter any of the natural laws, either 
of his own person or those of a physical char- 
acter, without bringing upon himself physio- 
logical changes. Now, what I wish to ask 
you is whether bicycle riding does not bring 
sad physiological changes upon women who 
ride them, and whether the statement in the old 
doctor’s book is true or false ? ” 

Cyclist : “ The book is founded upon the 

truth, and every character he has drawn 
can find its parallel in all the cyclists that are 
spinning around upon the wheel. The book is 
founded upon religious thought, and should be 
read by everyone who has intelligence enough 
to comprehend his views and honesty enough 
to apply them. If I had read the book before 
I fell, I never would have fallen.” 

Devil: “Don’t despair. Miss Cyclist. 
Haven’t you an old hymn book up there 
which has these lines : 

“ ‘While the lamp holds out to burn, 

The vilest sinner may return? ’ ” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 163 

“Yes, sir. But those good old books have 
long since been laid on the shelf, covered all 
over with dust. Even the Methodist preachers 
who used to sing them with whole soul, have 
ceased to use them any longer, and hymn 
books with notes for choirs have taken their 
place. Girls and men can now laugh and 
make faces while singing without losing their 
places. They never sing the words, nor even 
think of them — they sing the notes, after the 
operatic style.” 

Devil : “ Miss Cyclist, you say you have 

led a chequered and romantic life ; you can do 
as you please, and none to molest or make 
you afraid. I’ll ask you a question. Don’t 
you think you had better repent of your evil 
ways, get forgiveness, and be saved? I am 
talking to you as a live devil. If I were to lift 
the floodgates of hell and show you what it is, 
you would be on your knees praying and not 
on a bicycle.” 

Cyclist : “ If I should be spared to get 

back to earth and give a history of this dismal 
trip — so close to hell, yet so dark and dismal, 
so shorn of every beauty on earth — I should 
pray for a long continuance of my earthly ex- 


164 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

istence. The contrast is so great that I would 
want to stay always — would ask to abide 
where 

“ ‘ Storm after storm rises dark o’er the way.’ 

“ Yes, sir; it would put an end to my grum- 
bling, and make me rejoice at all my sur- 
roundings.” 

“ Now, Mrs. Cyclist, you see that I am still 
hanging on the gatepost, and the most of my 
conversation, like you women up there, will be 
from the gateposts. I would like to call your 
attention to a few paragraphs I read this morn- 
ing in that truly conservative journal, the Lit- 
erary Digest.'^^ 

Cyclist: ‘‘ Mr. Devil, do you get the jour- 
nals down here ? ” 

‘‘ Oh, yes ; but they do not come in printed 
letters. I knew of the power of electricity 
long before you introduced it in practice. 
You know, everything pertaining to heat I am 
fully posted upon. Well, Mrs. Cyclist, I shall 
read you what Charlotte Smith says in that 
journal: 

“ WOMAN AND THE BICYCLE. 

“Radical differences of opinion appear to 
^xist regarding the healthfulness of bicycling 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 165 

for women. Charlotte Smith, president of the 
Woman’s Rescue League, Washington, (whose 
crusade against the wheel was noted in the 
Literary Digest,, July 18 ), insists that 
bicycling is both morally and physically 
unheal thful. The writer bases the first charge 
of her indictment on information secured from 
fallen women, among whom the work of the 
league takes her, alleging that the bicycle is a 
useful agent of immorality employed by bad 
women and men, and that the bicycle code of 
etiquette is wholly different from the ordinary 
code and correspondingly dangerous to young 
women. Of the physical harmfulness of bi- 
cycling she writes in the New York Journal : 

“ My views of the unhealthfulness of the bi- 
cycle have been pooh-poohed by many persons 
who talk more easily than they think. Per- 
haps it will interest them to learn that the Na- 
tional Medical Association, representing the 
physicians of the United States, at a recent 
meeting in New York, adopted a resolution 
declaring the bicycle to be injurious to women. 
The fact is the bicycle is spreading disease 
among women. I know from information given 
me by doctors, of many surgical operations for 


1 66 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

abscesses and other troubles ” — [abscess of the 
perinium, the most dangerous to child bearing 
of any disease she is liable to] — “engendered by 
the bicycle. The saddle is a fruitful source of 
injury. I am not putting the case too strongly 
when I say that bicycle riding is ruining the 
health of tens of thousands of women in this 
country, incidentally involving the physical 
welfare of generations yet unborn. 

“ In order that they may appear as ‘trim’ 
as possible, women who ride bicycles dress in 
a way that is anything but hygienic. The cor- 
sets are drawn tight to display the V figure, 
leaving insufficient space for the active breath- 
ing required by the exercise. The costume 
must be of heavy material in order to hang well. 
A girl of my acquaintance has a bicycle gown 
that weighs over ten pounds.” [This is to keep 
the dress on a windy day from flying over the 
head.] “ But the saddle is the worst. I have 
never seen one that was fit for a woman to sit 
upon. The jarring, incidental to riding over 
country roads, I believe to be frightfully in- 
jurious, and my opinion is shared by many 
prominent physicians in this country. The 
muscular movements involved in working the 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 167 

pedals are of a sort that are harmful to wo- 
men. Like movements are required in work- 
ing the sewing machine, which is notoriously 
unhealthful. 

“No less an authority than the British 
Medical Journal.^ however, is found prescrib- 
ing the use of the bicycle by women, as fol- 
lows : 

“ Most of the ailments which are called 
^ billions ’ are caused by too much food of a 
rich nature and too much drink of a sweet or 
alcoholic character, combined with far too lit- 
tle exercise in the open air.’’ 

If this physican had been a general prac- 
titioner in the south he would not have attrib- 
uted excess of eating or want of exercise as the 
primary cause of billious fevers. It is well 
known that much exercise in the months of 
July and August is promotive of the disease, 
and that agriculturists who take sufficient ex- 
ercise and live on the healthiest food and 
drink the purest water, and attend to all the 
common sense rules of hygiene, are subject to 
the severest attacks of billious fever, the 
cause of the fever being in the atmosphere of 
low, swampy countries. As no rules laid down 


1 68 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

by a physician who has not this practical 
knowledge would avail anything, and would 
be misdirecting when he advises exercise in the 
open air in dirty streets for invalids, or for 
those in perfect health, heat and moisture be- 
ing the potent factors in the generation of 
malaria. 

“ It is interesting to note that cycling some- 
times has the effect of thinning the obese 
and fattening the thin, and this may partly be 
explained by Murchison’s observations that 
excessive leanness, as well as excessive corpu- 
lence, is often caused by inaction of the liver 
and the stimulus of regular exercise, setting 
the functions of the organ right, causes the dis- 
appearance of what was only a symptom. In 
cases of breakdown of the nervous system 
from overwork and anxiety, cycling will be 
found a most valuable adjunct to the rest 
which is necessary for recovery, and numerous 
brain workers now consider a daily ride indis- 
pensable if their work is to remain at concert 
pitch.” 

If the brain workers would not go at 
concert pitch, and take more time and more 
exercise in the open air by walking a mile or 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 169 

SO in the morning, or riding on horseback, 
wouldn’t they be healthier and wiser than rid- 
ing the dummy wheel ? Will any physician 
attempt to say that bicycle riding will give 
the quick, elastic step, the erect posture, and 
the graceful carriage that the old North Caro- 
lina girls have? They can walk five or six 
miles in the morning without the slightest fa- 
tigue. They were trained walkers. Riding in 
a carriage and walking were the exercises they 
principally took. Has not walking been ad- 
vised by all physicians for school girls and 
boys ? Don’t the military schools turn out the 
finest specimens of manhood? Would we like 
to have crooked backed American soldiers ? 

“ Now, Miss Cyclist, as I have read in your 
hearing what one prominent physician says 
about the wheel as a health producer for wo- 
men, I wil] read from another authority of 
equal celebrity what he says about the posi- 
tion on the wheel, and let us compare their 
opinions and see how they tally. 

“ One says, ‘ You must sit straight, touch 
the handles gently, and no one should ride 
a wheel unless they are perfectly healthy and 
strong.’ 


170 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

‘‘I will quote what Dr. C. A. Yon Randohr, 
professor of obstetrics in the New York post 
graduate medical school and hospital, says in 
the Delineator. I will read you, Mr. Cyclist : 

“ ‘Any entirely healthy woman may safely 
begin when she will to learn to ride a bicycle, 
if she keeps in mind this golden rule — that is, 
my golden rule — founded on presumption and 
egoism : Always stop before becoming tired 
out.’ ” 

Wise conclusion, but unnecessary advice, 
for the sensible will stop when they are tired 
and the foolish will keep on. 

“A cycling woman may do herself just as 
much injury in essaying this sport without 
proper advice and restrictions as she can by 
taking unknown medicines without the advice 
of her physician.” 

The horseback rider needs no advice from a 
physician. She rides with comfort, ease and 
protection to herself, without anybody’s advice 
save her own intuition of what is safe. (No 
fee to pay for this.) 

“There is absolutely, so far as we are at 
present aware, no organ or function of a wo- 
man’s body that is improperly affected by 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 17 1 

wheeling when the rider is properly seated and 
properly dressed, and does not overexert her- 
self. A great deal of unnecessary discussion 
has been indulged in, chiefly by non-medical 
theorists and non-riders, about this simple and 
so far incontrovertible assertion.” 

Now here is the ipse dixit of one physi- 
cian, taken in contradistinction of the learned 
and conservative opinion of the American 
Medical Society. We are not surprised to 
hear such declarations from a German philos- 
opher, as they consider the wisdom of the 
world revolves in their brains. This medical 
philosopher might as well assert that it was 
proper and right for a woman to ride on a rail, 
provided she sat right and assumed the stoop- 
ing posture. Wouldn’t it be much cheaper for 
them to ride on a rail, if it had to be borne on 
the shoulders of their male companions ? 

“ Most women will, as a matter of course, 
follow their own tastes in dressing for the 
wheel. From a medical and hygienic stand- 
point, bloomers and corset waists are to be 
preferred to skirts and to regulation corsets.” 

Now, right here this learned savant comes 
directly in opposition to the advice of all phy- 


172 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

sicians and boards of health. Indeed, our 
city authorities had one of these new women 
arrested for making her appearance on the 
streets of Little Rock, so shocking was its im- 
modesty. What might be very immodest in 
Little Rock might be the height of modesty in 
New York, for they have completely obliter- 
ated the line between the two. But we of the 
south try to keep up the old line, preferring to 
keep up our modesty after our manner than 
succumbing to the new woman of New York, 
While we may have fewer technicalities to de- 
scribe our morals and manners, we have 
sufficient common sense to know what is inde- 
cent and vulgar. But the new woman has 
concluded to split the difference by riding 
astride. 

“ Finally, sitting bolt upright will make the 
rider use the saddle not as a light rest and 
a help to balancing, but as an actual seat, for 
which it is certainly not intended.” 

Those in favor of the bicycle have been all 
the time advocating a suitable saddle, which 
has been discussed in a former part of this 
book, and it is not necessary to elaborate on 
this stupendous folly. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 173 

“ The proper position is a slight inclina- 
tion forward, such as you will see in the 
well seasoned rider going along comfortably 
at the rate of six or eight miles an hour, and 
perhaps returning from a thirty mile trip with- 
out showing the least sign of fatigue.” 

Beautiful philosophy this ! Imagine one of 
our ladies, who are not accustomed to doing 
drudgery, riding thirty miles on a dirt road 
without being the least fatigued. Why, one 
of our negro washerwomen could not do this. 
Try for yourself how far this inclination 
forward will help to make you feel more 
comfortable and to make your work easier. 
The cyclists in this city say that the up- 
right posture is the best, and the doctors tell 
them so. The German philosopher wishes to 
give to Americans the stoop shoulder of the 
German. Not yet, Mr. Philosopher! Wait 
awhile. Your fad will soon play out in Amer- 
ica, for we have the good sense of Mr. Cleve- 
land and the modesty of Mrs. Cleveland as 
guides to our morals and manners, and the 
wise conclusions of our American doctors, who 
know what is good for our American women. 


174 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

Devil: “But, mad. iin, what do the French 
doctors say about the bicycle ? ” 

“ They say it is all right, and recommend 
everyone to ride. But, Mr. Devil, do you 
know what the French say of themselves ? 
They say this : 

“ ‘ It would appear that the French have 
nothing to learn in the way of tricks.’ 

“ Therefore we should not take France as 
our model for morals and manners, as she 
acknowledges her own iniquity.” 

Devil: “Now, madam, I have hung on the 
gateposts with you long enough to learn more 
than the most fashionable lady in your upper 
tendum society. I will let you depart, as I 
am certain you will give a true narrative of the 
road to the center of the earth. But you can 
not describe me, neither can I you, as you 
know it is the blackneess of darkness all 
around us ; but I have heard you, and you 
have heard me. 

“ Now, I must tell you, before you can see 
the brilliant light of hell, and enjoy all 
of my display of pyrotechnics, you must 
travel this dark and dismal path on earth un- 
til you die, and then I shall introduce you to 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 175 

itiy domain ; and, as I told you, there is no 
distinction made in hell between man and wo- 
man, you must be tortured corresponding to 
your crime.” 

Cyclist : ‘‘ If what I have seen of the cen- 

ter of the earth be in anywise typical of hell, 
it is sufficient for me. When I return to earth 
I will try and mend my ways and pray for for- 
giveness, that when I die I may mount on 
eagle’s wings and soar to worlds on high, where 
I can enjoy all the beautiful things on earth in 
a manifold character. Yes, sir; I will pass 
through the beautiful gates of St. Peter and 
behold that beautiful city, the New Jerusalem, 
with its pearly gates and its golden streets, 
and see the greatest light of all lights, and 
hear the sound of angelic hosts, and listen to 
the archangel’s prayer, and hear the songs of 
the innumerable hosts that surround the great 
throne. No, sir; darkness will be dispelled, 
and the bright light of the glory of God will 
shine forever. Goodbye, Devil, 1 have seen 
enough of you. God knows I shall believe all 
those good preachers tell me about heaven and 
hell, and disbelieve all the atheists tell me in 


176 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

their technical description of the material 
world. 

“Mr. Devil, if this is the shadow of hell a 
thousand miles off, what will the substance’ 
be? To sum up the narrative of my trip to 
hell, I will quote the words of Job, who 
said: ‘It was a land of darkness as darkness 
itself, and of the shadow of death, without 
any order, and where the light is as dark- 
ness.’ ” 

Devil: “Now, Mr. Cyclist — for I can ad- 
dress you as such, since you say you are male 
and female combined — hadn’t you better have 
read in the great old book, before attempting 
to come here, these words : ‘ There is a path 

which no fowl knoweth, and which the vul- 
ture’s eye hath not seen. The lion’s whelps 
have not trodden it, nor the fierce lion passed 
by it?” 

THE TIE THAT LINKS NATIONS TOGETHER. 

We are accustomed to laud commerce and 
religion as the principal agents that bind na- 
tions together in one great family, but the Bt. 
James Gazette finds a more potent influence 
than either in amusement, and it points to re- 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 177 

cent events in a semi-serious way to prove its 
point. It says : 

“ What is the true tie that links nations 
together in these days? It almost looks as if 
it were nothing so much as a common interest 
in sports, games and amusements. Politics 
and patriotism are national and even sectional, 
but pastimes of all sorts are cosmopolitan. 
The nations can play together, even if they do 
not work together.” 

Was it not this national display of amuse- 
ments that brought G-reece and Rome to de- 
struction, as is exemplified in a former part of 
this book ? Do not sports and games engen- 
der idleness, and does not idleness beget pov- 
erty, and does not poverty lead to immorality, 
and immorality to the destruction of a commu- 
nity ? If this be true — and it evidently is — 
what will become of the American people, 
when they add to all other sports the most 
fascinating of all, the bicycle ; which takes 
away the best producing power of our land, 
the young people, who ought to be engaged in 
some profitable employment that will add 
wealth, health and happiness to all nations ? 


178 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

No nation can exist long on sports. She 
cannot afford to waste the time of her youngs 
vigorous, muscular, energetic and manly and 
womanly population, who are to take the 
places of those who have gone before them, 
and have brought the civilized world to it& 
present degree of perfection. 

The bicycle in America is the great craze of 
the day. It is introducing a species of gam- 
bling that is more demoralizing than the gam- 
bling dens of the cities, because it is sanc- 
tioned and indulged in by some of the most 
respectable portions of our community. It i& 
permitted by law, and therefore an undue 
license is given it. It is a fact that goes with- 
out saying, that when the agriculturists suffer 
all departments in government suffer to a 
greater extent, as agriculture is the rock foun- 
dation of all prosperity. 

Imagine yourself on an island, rich in gold 
— even as fine as the gold of Ophir — and filled 
with the richest oriental gems, with nothing 
to eat or to wear. Though you could breathe 
the balmy atmosphere and smell the rich odors 
of the rose, what would that avail if there 
were no vegetables or cereals there to feed 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 179 

your famishing stomach or clothe your naked 
hack ? 

Are American manners degenerating? Is 
the bicycle one of the degenerators in manners ? 
In olden times it was said of the southern gen- 
tleman and lady that they were the most polite 
people in the world. Next to them came their 
servants. An illustration of a southern gen- 
tleman is related by a northern gentleman, 
who was invited to Gen. Washington’s hospit- 
able home to spend a week. They were in the 
habit of riding out every evening on some of 
those fine bred Virginia horses. One evening 
they passed an old servant man on the road. 
The old servant took off his hat and bowed 
low to the ground, saying, “ Sarvant, master.” 
On witnessing this polite bow so gracefully 
made, Gen. Washington bowed as low upon 
his horse, with his hat removed. Seeing this 
very respectful salute given to a servant, his 
northern friend said : 

“ Why, general ! do you bow and take off 
your hat to an inferior ? ” 

The general replied: “Do you think, sir, 
that I would let a servant be more polite 
than I?” 


I So Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

This rebuke so changed the friend that it 
was said, on his return home, that he bowed 
and raised his hat to every commoner he met. 

Is this polite bow being made from the 
bicycle, or even from equestrians or pedestri- 
ans? What are the manners of the south to- 
day compared with what they were before the 
civil war? Are the negroes as polite? Are 
the medium classes as much so ? Does not the 
rough laborer and the negro compel the lady 
to take the outside of the pavement ? Do the 
clerks wear their coats when waiting on ladies 
in the stores ? Do the ladies ask for what they 
want, and buy it if it suits, or do they have the 
counter tilled with goods and walk out with- 
out buying a dime’s worth, and leave an hour’s 
work for the clerk to replace them on the 
shelves? Aren’t the negroes, the white women 
and men, riding side by side with the polished, 
refined and cultured gentleman and lady, on 
equal terms? 

Another instance of the degeneration of 
American manners came under the observation 
of the writer. An old fashioned gentleman 
and his wife were walking down Main street 
the other day, and the gentleman bowed 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. i8i 

and spoke to every man he met. The wife 
says : 

“ Husband, do 3^011 know these men you are 
speaking to ? ” 

His answer was, “No.” 

“ Then why are you bowing and speaking ? ” 

He answered : “ I was raised a gentleman, 

and I cannot help it.” 

“ Why, husband, dont you know politeness, 
manners and morals are things of the past? 
Do you see even a boy or girl speaking or 
bowing to an old man ? Why, the respect of 
the aged must come from them to the younger 
members of society. They are putting on the 
the stiff, stolid airs of the British gentry. 
You know we used to be democrats. We are 
all British aristocrats. Though we have but a 
dollar in our pockets, we have joined the 
‘ swell ’ army. I hope you will not annoy me 
by speaking and bowing to those you never 
knew or saw before.” 

“ Wife, I must hold onto my politeness, for 
it was bred in the bone.” 

Compare the actions and manners of the old 
southerners with the new, and ask yourself 
if politeness is degenerating in America. 


1 82 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

IS THE BICYCLE DEMORALIZIHa ? 

Let US take the testimony of the old lady at 
the toll gate on one of our turnpike roads. 
Here is a conversation between her and her old 
physician : 

Old Lady: “Doctor, I have counted two 
hundred men, women, girls and boys riding on 
the wheel across this bridge from eight o’clock 
at night until three o’clock in the morning. 
They were screaming, laughing and shouting 
all night long, so that neither myself or any- 
one else could sleep. This bridge belongs 
to me, and I cannot have my property used 
for such purposes, so I put up a sign on 
the post, ‘ Bicycles, five cents the round trip.’ 
They became very angry, and abused me and 
called me bad names ; but I stood it all, and 
wouldn’t let them cross without paying. Now, 
doctor, I want to ask you a question : 

“Do you think it is decent for those people 
to be riding on the wheel and going into the 
woods at that hour of the night ? You know 
I was raised a poor gal, and my parents had 
to work hard to support the family, but if I 
had been caught out at night with a boy, my 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 183 

mother would have whipped me severely. She 
would have thought I was after no good. Do 
you think those people are any better than 
we-uns ? It’s a shame, doctor, to see how they 
carry on. It ought to be stopped. 

‘‘At any rate, doctor, if you can’t make them 
good, at least make them decent. Now, you 
talk about a free bridge. Wouldn’t they have 
a fine time riding up the mountain and stroll- 
ing over the woods. I say, the old folks had 
better sense than that.” 

Doctor: “Madam, I know your raising. 
You were raised by an honest father and a 
kind, loving mother, who raised you after old 
fashioned rules of prudence and honesty. I 
wish the present generation had some of your 
old fashioned raising ; there would be none of 
this sort of carrying on. They will get to the 
end of their rope after a while, and the old 
time things will be brought back.” 

Here the bicycle woman is dismissed, and a 
tandem appears with a man riding behind and 
a woman in front. 


184 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 



Devil to tandem riders : “ I see, cyclists, that 
you ride double on your dummy horse. In 
ancient times the husband rode in front on the 
horse and the wife or daughter behind. The 
daughter or wife hugged the male rider around 
his waist, and the female rode sidewise, while 
the male rode astride, just as this man is rid- 
ing the dummy. That is the way the country 
people rode to church. Can you tell me why 
this change has been made ? ” 

Cycle Woman: “Yes, sir; the woman is 
now the leader in society, in politics, in relig- 
ion, in temperance lectures. She has taken 
the place of the man, and the man the woman. 
The man is following the woman.’’ 

“ From the appearance of your iron horse, 
it reminds me of the old iron chariot the 
Israelites formerly used. Did not your in- 
ventor get his idea from them? You know 
that many inventions called new these days 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 185 . 

were taken from the Egyptians’ advance in all 
the appliances of art and science.” 

Mr. Cyclist : “We know nothing of ancient 
history, nor do we care what the ancients did. 
The nineteenth century has produced a new 
world, a new people with new habits, customs 
and relations. If the earth were to move five 
thousand miles an hour, it would take it ten 
years to catch up with us, and as this wheel 
has set her an example for speed — so small a 
thing, with so little force, going at the rate of 
a mile a minute — don’t you suppose she will 
get ashamed of herself and increase her mo- 
tion % ” 

Devil : “ I think you will get ashamed of 

yourselves, if shame you have, to suggest to 
the Maker of all things to change His laws to 
suit your craze. Oh ! my friend. He will teach 
you better before long, if there are not sensible 
people enough left to work a reformation. He 
will do it in one of His mysterious wa^^s. He 
will have a survival of the fittest, do what you 
may. 

“ Mr. Cyclist, may I ask you, where are you 
from ? ” 

“ I am from St. Louis, Missouri, sir.” 


1 86 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

‘‘ What class of cyclists do you represent ? ” 

“We represent that middle, sensible class, 
«ir, who ride the wheel with discretion and 
prudence.’’ 

“ You mean you are common sense people.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Well, I have wanted to get some of those 
old time, common sense people down here for a 
long time, that I might run my mind back to 
those good old days when men were honest 
and women virtuous. Let me speak to you 
one at a time, or shall I address you both at 
once ? ” 

“Just as you please, sir. We have but one 
thought and one mind, since we are husband 
and wife. You know the good book says we 
are bone of one bone and flesh of one flesh. 
Go on, Mr. Devil, with your interrogations.” 

“ You say you are from St. Louis ? ” 

“Well, sir, we started from St. Louis just 
after McKinley’s nomination by the Repub- 
licans. We were some time getting to New 
York city, as we traveled slowly on our wheel, 
keeping close to the railroad track, as it was 
the most direct and the best. We were in 
New York when Bryan was nominated by the 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 187 

Democrats at Chicago, but did not start for 
some time afterwards. We had heard before 
leaving St. Louis that a tunnel was being dug 
to the center of the earth, and as we wished to 
be the first explorers of man and woman to- 
gether, relying on each for support in times of 
danger and sickness, entered the tunnel before 
the sappers and miners had returned to give an 
account of their work.’’ 

Devil : “ Why, I turned them back long 

ago. Had they not arrived before you left ? ” 

“No, sir.” 

“Has no one arrived on the surface to tell 
what they have seen ? ” 

“ No, sir.” 

“ Why, I have had two travelers, a man and 
a woman, whom I entertained hospitably. I 
fear they are lost. I expected them to give as 
much information about the center of the earth 
as the man had given who returned from the 
north pole. Neither had gotten within two 
thousand miles of the object of their search. 

“ Well, Mr. Cyclist, what have you to say 
about your trip after leaving the surface of the 
earth and entering the tunnel?” 


1 88 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

“ Well, sir, when we left the city the clocks 
were striking twelve M. After going a short 
distance we could hear sounds, but could not 
distinguish between them. Then came a sud- 
den sound as though the air was entering a 
tube. This put an end to our hearing, and it 
'commenced getting dark, as dark as to a blind 
man. Could we but have had his touch, we 
might have been satisfied; but all feeling was 
taken from us, and we were standing or sitting, 
we knew not which. As consciousness had 
disappeared in the darkness, we heard noth- 
ing, saw nothing, felt nothing and knew noth- 
ing until we heard your voice. But we have 
not seen you. Can you see us ? ” 

“ Yes, sir. But if I were to turn on my elec- 
tricity upon your human eyes, you would be 
struck dead, for no person living can look 
upon me and live. Now, what time do you 
think you have been coming here, Mr. 
Cyclist ? ” 

“ Time, sir ! I lost that after getting beyond 
the light of the sun, moon and stars, and have 
nothing to compute time from.” 

Devil : “ Then you can understand what 

the word eternity means.” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 189 

“Yes, sir; heaven and hell are eternal.” 

Devil: “You are mistaken in the latter. 
Hell had a beginning vrhen I was driven out of 
paradise, and will have an ending some time ; 
but heaven is eternal, and will remain so. I 
speak from a materialistic standpoint.” 

St. Louis is a beautiful city, built on ground 
gradually rising from the banks of the master 
of waters — Mississippi. It needs but little grad- 
ing. The old part of the city — that was laid 
off by the French — has narrow streets and old 
fashioned, substantial buildings, that have 
stood the violence of heavy storms, and resist- 
ed the force of the last terrible cyclone better 
than the modern style of buildings. The new 
part is built after the modern style, with every 
variety of architecture, almost up to the five 
orders. Some of their public buildings are 
equal in style and taste to a diminutive picture 
of King Solomon’s temple. Her suburban resi- 
dences are beautiful beyond actual descrip- 
tion. 

Her professional men are equal to any in 
the world, and her society better than any city 
of its size in the United States. Her commerce 
is swelling to the proportions of Chicago, but, 


190 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

unlike the latter, her credit is the best of any 
city. Her population is made up principally 
of strong, robust men and women, being situ- 
ated in the center of a rich agricultural coun- 
try, producing the best of food for man and 
beast, that she deals out with a lavish hand 
to her poor and disabled people, which tends 
to develop them physically, mentally, and we 
were about to say morally, but her morals 
might be improved without damage to her 
present standard. She has all the modern im- 
provements for her public works, and some of 
the best medical schools in the south or west. 
Standing foremost amongst the number is the 
Missouri Medical College, the descendant of 
that noble institution, University of Missouri, 
where the writer first rubbed his back against 
the old brick walls of the college that stood on 
Choteau pond in 1847. This building was sold 
and a large stone building erected by the re- 
nowned surgeon of the west and south, Joseph 
Nash McDowell. It was after this that it was 
better known as McDowell college. It was in 
‘this building that the writer received his de- 
gree of doctor of medicine, in 1849. But, Mr. 
Devil, lest 1 should be accused of partiality, I 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 191 

had better desist from further description of 
medical colleges. Excuse me when my mind 
turns back to those youthful and hopeful days, 
with my friend John T. Hodgen in sight, who 
illuminated the profession by his great genius, 
as did our old preceptor, McDowell. 

Yes, we thought when we got our diplomas 
that all the bells in St. Louis would ring, even 
to the Catholic chiming bell, though the Cath- 
olics were so much opposed to our venerable 
preceptor. But they did not. 

Devil to Man Cyclist : “Do you think your 
new invention will drive out the horse and the 
mule, and substitute your iron chariot ? ” 

Cyclist : “ Yes, sir ; it is driving them out 

fast, and we will drive out the railroads with 
them.” 

Devil : “ You know the railroads are de- 

pendent upon the labor of these two animals 
for three-fourths of their freight. What 
amount of cotton is carried by railroads in pro- 
portion to the transportation from the field to 
the gin house, and from the gin house to the 
depot ? What would the whole country do 
without the labor of these two animals ? And 
what great pleasure and delight they give to 


192 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

their riders and drivers ! No, Mr. Cyclist, you 
will be like the Canaanites — though you have 
iron horses and are strong, you will be driven 
out of the land of every sensible people.’’ 

“ Mr. Devil, I fear what you say is true, for 
already many of our best citizens are giving 
them up, and, we think with you, they will 
soon be relegated to the past.” 

Devil : ‘‘ Now, Mrs. Cj^clist, let me ask you 

a question. Have you ever rode a horse?” 

“Yes, sir; often.” 

“ How did you ride him ? ” 

“ On a side saddle, with foot in stirrup and 
reins and whip in hand.” 

“ Was it a comfortable position?” 

“ Yes, sir. And I used to take so much 
pride in sitting straight and observing all 
around me. I could converse with my escort 
and look at him as loving as I pleased with- 
out fear of being thrown or jostled off my 
saddle.” 

“ Why did you sit sidewise? ” 

“Because that position was the easiest for a 
woman. You know, Mr. Devil, that it is nat- 
ural for a woman to sit sidewise when she is 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 193 

sewing, knitting, or doing any other work in a 
sitting position.’’ 

Devil : “ Can you explain to me the reason 

of this?” 

“ I think so, sir. First, it is the easiest po- 
sition she can take ; second, it is in keeping 
with her physiological makeup. In throwing 
the left leg over the right, that whole side 
seems to take rest, and mce versa. You know, 
Mr. Devil, that experience is worth more than 
theory. I grant you, sir, that in modern days 
the girls are taught that it is immodest to sit 
crosslegged before gentlemen. The girls will 
sit while in the parlor with the two feet par- 
allel, but as soon as they get to the sitting 
room, and place themselves in the old arm- 
chair, they will assume that crosslegged posi- 
tion because it is easiest. It is this that 
makes them sit easy and gracefully on a side- 
saddle, and when so seated on a good horse 
they can ride as far with as little fatigue as 
man.” 

Devil : “ Yes, what you say comports with 

my knowledge of the way ladies rode fifty 
years ago. I recollect when the first Mrs. Jef- 
ferson Davis (the daughter of the old hero of 


194 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

Buena Vista, Zachary Taylor,) ran away with 
Jeff and married him on horseback, and rode 
with him wherever he went, over mountain, 
stream and valley.” 

“ Mr. Devil, did you know that the old house 
she eloped from is now standing in Fort Smith, 
Arkansas ? It is an old two story building. 



built of stone, and occupies the corner of the 
stockade, covered with vines. Never did Miss 
Taylor look prettier, sweeter and healthier than 
she did the day she became Mrs. Davis. Mr. 
Devil, there was another lady of olden times, 
who was celebrated for her great etjuestrian 
acquirements, Mrs. Gen. Winfield Scott. It 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 195 

was said she was the best female rider in the 
United States, but unlike her companion, was 
considered a little fast, but not so fast as the 
ladies of modern date. What was considered 
imprudent in her would be entirely allowable 
in these fast days.” 

Devil : “ Do you think either of those ladies 

would have given up their trusty steeds for the 
dummy cycle ? ” 

“ No, sir. Though I ride the wheel, there is 
no comparison between the two. The horse 
rides you, but the wheel rides me, for you 
know I have to supply the force.” 

“ Mr. Cyclist, did you hear what the Indian 
said about the wheel ? ” 

“ Yes, sir. He said : ‘ White man and wo- 

man much lazy. The}^ walk sitting down.’ ” 

“ Now, Mr. Cyclist, I will ask you about the 
cycle race course. Do you believe it has a 
tendency to increase gambling in a small way 
by frequent races, and by small bets on favor- 
ites, and swell the aggregate to a much larger 
extent than that of any other kind of races or 
pugilist rings ? ” 

‘‘Yes, sir; I do. And as it is said to be an 
amusement, and not a vice, members of the 


196 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

church and very respectable ladies and gentle- 
men are betting on the sport. If you were to 
call them gamblers, they would take it as 
much of an insult as to say they were gam- 
blers when they bet at a euchre party. But, 
Mr. Devil, you know gambling cannot be made 
respectable by anyone, whether it comes by 
the wheel or by cards. Sin cannot be white- 
washed. Mr. Devil, you know the Prince of 
Wales of late has been very much censured by 
the religious people of England for his en- 
dorsement and participation in horse racing ; 
that it is considered very demoralizing. Yes, 
but don’t you know there are many men en- 
gaged in horse racing in Europe and America 
by the endorsement of their governments and 
practiced by the leaders of society ? ” 

Devil : “ That is true. The wealthy ladies 

of society, who have a plenty of money and 
nothing to do, are shaping the morals and 
manners of these people. Have you not heard 
it said that the idle brain is the devil’s work- 
shop ? That is so, for his whole time is taken 
up in trying to deceive the honest and pervert 
the virtuous.” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 197 

Devil to Mrs. Tandem : “ I wish to ask you 

a question in science. Is there not an inven- 
tion by a Mr. Lawson called a flying kite, 
which proposes to navigate the air and dis- 
cover something of the celestial regions ? ” 

“ Yes, sir ; but Mr. Lawson only proposes to 
make his invention a pleasure riding concern, 
without any practical application.” 

Devil : “ Is there not a close analogy be- 

tween the bicycle and the kite? Was the 
bicycle invented for anything but pleaseure, 
and can the poor aflbrd to indulge in this 
sport ? ” 

“ The bicycle, Mr. Devil, was thought at first 
to be an instrument of usefulness to the poor 
in going to and from their occupations. The 
speed was what they wanted. As the railroad 
had annihilated space, they wished to demon- 
strate that their wheel would annihilate time. 
They have accomplished that fact by proving 
the law of friction and force.” 

Devil : “ Couldn’t that have been demon- 

strated with a millionth part of the money 
that has been spent on cycles ? ” 

“ Mr. Devil, don’t you know that anything in 
our advanced age that is cheap and practical 


198 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

is considered of no value? It is the shams, 
theories and devices we are after. We are 
living in an imaginary world, wanting some- 
thing after Belamy’s style — a perfect people 
and a perfect government.” 

Devil : “ Well, I suppose you will get that 

when the millennium comes, but it will be a 
long time first before I am chained. Don’t 
fool yourself about your perfect government 
and try to make the one you have better than 
it is, for I assure you, devil as I am, I could 
suggest many improvements upon what you 
call the best government in the world.” 

Devil to Mrs. Tandem : “ I wish to ask 

you another question. Does the wheel tend to 
immorality ? ” 

“ It does, sir ; for the following reasons : The 
wheel is a public institution. It is notorious 
that a very large proportion of the people en- 
gage in the sport, and, as it gives license to 
many immoral acts and the exhibition of wo- 
men or ladies of themselves, tends to the vilest 
sort of immorality. Therefore, it must be 
judged by the sum total of its influence, just 
as other things are judged.” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 199 

Devil : “ Mr. Cyclist, have you not discov- 

ered that there is something egotistical, mean 
and narrow in the composition of the Ameri- 
can people ? ’’ 

“ No, sir. We find kindness of heart and 
toleration are virtues particularly American, 
and that her morals are higher than those of 
European nations. For instance, look at the 
vast amount given to eleemosynary institu- 
tions by our government and people; the 
missionaries she has sent into the field. Com- 
pare these with other older nations — Eng- 
land, France and Germany — and see if young 
America is not taking her stand side by 
side with her grandparents. The American 
people have genuine knowledge — common 
sense — and they respect all other people who 
have the same sort of knowledge. We have 
penetration and perseverance, combined with 
modesty. America raises busts and statues to 
her teachers in military tactics, in politics, in 
religion, in medicine and in morals, and being 
a free government, she cannot exalt one above 
the other. The millionaire may erect his ex- 
pensive monument to the memory of himself, 
but the people do not worship at his shrine. 


200 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

No, sir ; we are commoners, if you choose to* 
designate us as such. We have inherited the 
spirit of freedom from our fathers, and we in- 
tend to keep the flame burning so long as we 
and our children live.” 

Devil: “Do you not think you stand in 
danger of building a monument to the bicycle 
as did the ancient Grecians to other athletes ? ” 

“ No, sir. When Americans have time to 
return to their second sober thought they will 
eliminate all fads and adopt nothing that is 
not conducive to their health and happiness.’^ 

Devil : “ Mr. Cyclist, I have been long sat- 

isfied that the American is not an itinerant. 
He is satisfied with his home, and would not 
exchange it for the elysian fields of the gods^ 
Self satisfaction prevents rambling.” 

Devil to Madam Cyclist : Ever since the 
new woman left I have been puzzled to solve 
the problem of the new science woman. I 
have read up all my literature on science, and 
although there are many new discoveries in 
science of which I confessed myself ignorant^ 
still I found them all recorded in my scrap- 
book, but the science of making man and wo- 
man by bringing the two halves together was 


201 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

beyond my philosophy and without explana- 
tion anywhere. 

“Upon picking up an old number of, I be- 
lieve, the Century,, I found an article which 
explained the whole thing. It is this : 



THE NEW WOMAN. 


“ There was an eminent scientist called 
Polyhemus, who experimented with human 
germs. He procured three, two from man and 


202 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

one from woman. He was developing these 
germs rapidly, but thinking it too much trou- 
ble to bring all three to perfection, destroyed 
two and combined the woman germ with the 
man, and made one. The development of these 
germs brought forth a species that was neither 
man or woman, but like the plants contained 
both organs of generation in one. This 
human plant escaped from its prison and cast 
its seed on good ground, and the new woman, 
or man, as you are pleased to call it, is the re- 
sult.” 

Madam Tandem : “ Mr. Devil, you have 

been deluded by a crafty woman, and your de- 
ductions are false. It was one germ only, and 
that of a man, that Polyhemus developed, and 
as he was trying to produce a better specimen 
by his science than his Maker had created of 
him, trying to eliminate every evil passion 
and cultivating only his good qualities, ex- 
pected to present to his Maker a great im- 
provement on the original stock. This man 
grew and became a fully developed human be- 
ing, but instead of presenting an improved 
specimen, he presented Him with a man com- 
posed of the cast off fragments of His clay. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 203 

He was a murderer and tried to kill his cre- 
ator. No, Mr. Devil, there is no such a 
science. The woman only told you that to 
cover her shame. 

Devil to Mr. Tandem: “I read in the Bt. 
Louis Illustrated American that a Mr. Ander- 
son, a celebrated cyclist, made a mile in a 
minute and three seconds. Is that true ? ’’ 

“ Yes, sir. The cyclist was only proving a 
rule in philosopy long since demonstrated, not 
only before five hundred, but before five thou- 
sand people.” 

Here is the rest of it ; “ Two ends were 

served in using the locomotive as a ‘pace 
maker.’ The first and most important was 



protection from the air which the great mass 
of steel gave the rider, and the second was the 
superior speed drawn out by the bicycle. The 
resistance offered by the air has always been 
the obstacle to great speed in cycling (as it 
has been to all kinds of locomotion). In order 
more perfectly to protect himself from the at- 


204 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

mospliere, young Anderson boarded up the 
rear of the engine from the top of the tank to 
within half an inch of the rail.” 

We will not quote further, but attempt to 
show that what Mr. Anderson sought to dem- 
onstrate by his wheel had been demonstrated 
by the captains of steamboats plying the wa- 
ters of the Mississippi river one hundred year& 
ago. Who has not noticed, that has an ob- 
servant eye, small crafts of weak power get- 
ting in the wake of large crafts of tremendous 
power and speed, the smaller boat keeping up 
with the larger and faster for many miles. 
The smaller craft being behind, two very im- 
portant drawbacks were overcome by the front 
and larger boat, viz., the force of the wind and 
the displacement of the water and the check 
of the current. 

Query : Was the speed due to the bicycle 
per se, or to the locomotive? We think to the 
locomotive, just as the front and larger boat 
gave the small and hinder boat the power to 
keep up with her. 

Devil : “ I think you are claiming too much 

for your dumni}- fad. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 205 

Mr. Cyclist, as I perceive you are an intel- 
ligent man, and suppose you have kept up 
with the advances of the age, as you live 
in what is called the higher civilization.” 

“Yes, sir; I have tried to do so, but science 
has become metaphysical and statisticians 
liars.” 

“ Tell me, Mr. Cyclist, is the report I read in 
the Literary Digest of the great fall in births 
of the American people true ?” 

“ Yes, sir. The south is trying to keep up 
the autonomy of the Americans. They have 
not fallen into the scientific fads of the north- 
ern people. Her women are still clinging to 
the commandment, ‘ Multiply and replenish 
the earth,’ and, as they believe the American 
type is the best, they are trying to preserve 
that type.” 

Devil : “ Is it true that there are ten north- 

ern states who have fallen to nineteen births 
in a thousand natives, while the south is keep- 
ing up her standard of thirty births in a thou- 
sand?” 

“Yes, sir; very true.” 

Devil : “ If the thing goes on in the same 

ratio, wouldn’t the north have to pay southern 


2 o 6 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

women a high premium for their native Ameri- 
can babies ? ’’ 

“ I think so, sir ; though I am a western man 
myself. You see, Mr. Devil, society lines have 
not been drawn so closely between the western 
and northern states as between the southern 
states. This arises from the fact that before 
the civil war there were but two classes of 
society — the white and the black ; and as there 
were only two grades of society amongst the 
whites — the educated and the ignorant — social 
equality between these two classes was easily 
perfected. Wealth was not the dividing line. 
Education was. Now, since the war the lower 
classes are educating their children, and they 
are meeting on a common level established by 
themselves. This has given a more elevated 
tone to society and made them more in love 
with their free government, which stands in no 
danger so long as they hold the balance of 
power.” 

Devil : “ I wish to ask you something about 

the members of the church. Of course you will 
not be surprised at my inquiry, as it is those 
people I am continually fighting. They are 
my enemies.” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 207 

“ Well, Mr. Devil, I will make a comparison 
which I think will give you all the information 
you desire in a nutshell. Here it is : 

“A farmer brought a basket of eggs to my 
wife to purchase. He said they were all fresh 
and sound, and guaranteed them such. On 
breaking the eggs, my wife found a small part 
of them were fresh and had retained the germ ; 
another part, larger than the first, were pre- 
served by salt, and the larger part were 
spoiled. I make the comparison in this way. 
There is a small part of members that are 
fresh and full of life everywhere, break them 
where you please ; a larger part are sound, but 
non-active, but satisfied and non-prolific ; the 
remaining largest part are spoiled. The shell 
looks as bright as the others, but they are en- 
gaging in every variety of vice, and making 
many vicious things respectable by wearing 
the white garment of pure spotlessness.” 

Devil : “ The spoilt ones I will get. They 

are full of gas, and explode when cracked; 
make a bright light and illuminate hell. The 
other two I can say nothing about. They 
must decide for themselves. Isn’t the church 
in danger of becoming disorganized when it is 


3o8 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

wrapped up in the solution of all the indus- 
trial, financial, political, social and moral 
problems of the age with which the philoso- 
phers and statesmen and philanthropists are 
hopelessly struggling ? ” 

“ I think so, sir. You put the question right 
when you say wrapped up in politics. Half of 
our preachers in America are politicians. But 
a short time ago a preacher in St. Louis 
preached a gold bug sermon, and used such 
language of denunciation against the free sil- 
ver men as he would not use against the vilest 
murderer in the land. Why, sir, our boy 
preachers must have two thousand dollars a 
year for preaching free grace. They say their 
gi'ace was not free. They had to purchase it 
with money and hard mental study. It costs 
something these days to be a preacher. The 
plutocrats and Democrats are fighting over 
free silver, but there is not enough free grace 
in our country to fight over. They say our 
rulers are not worth praying for, it takes too 
much time to redeem them, and that the poor 
are not worth saving, as they have no money 
to pay for the free grace, so they must confine 


• Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 209 

their efforts to making rich proselytes to build 
fine churches and pay large salaries.’^ 

Devil : “ I have asked you many questions, 

and acknowledge my gratitude for your pa- 
tience and prompt answers. But there is one 
question which is as important as any I have 
asked, and with your kind permission would 
like to ask it before dismissing you.’’ 

“Certainly, sir. If I can inform you on any 
subject I would be glad to do so. Besides, I 
shall take it as a compliment, coming as it 
does from so wise and infiuential a prince as 
yourself.” 

Devil: “Well, tell me about the special- 
ists. Have you many of them? ” 

“Yes, sir; thousands of them — from a tin 
cup to a locomotive, from a poodle dog to an 
elephant, from a rattlesnake to an anaconda, 
from stairsteps to mansions, and all the other 
intermediate branches of art and science.” 

Devil : “ I wish to ask you more particular- 

ly about the scientific bacteriologists. What 
advance are they making in investigations 
with the microscope ? ” 

“ Wonderful, sir. They have proven to us 
without a doubt that man sprung from a mon- 


210 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

key. You see it is so : Today you see a mole- 
cule, tomorrow a monad, the next day a mon- 
key and the next day a man — all this by 
gradual development.” 

‘‘ Gradual, did you say ? Why, that is mak- 
ing a man faster than the bike can run. 
I fear, Mr. Cyclist, that science has leaped its 
legitimate bounds and gone into the domain of 
ridiculousness. There are not many people up 
there who believe that theory, are there ? ” 

“ Yes, sir ; many of our educated fools, of 
which I confess myself as one. You see, Mr. 
Devil, we just take a little of the sputa to one 
of these fellows, and they can tell you what is 
the matter with you lungs, but you must tell 
them beforehand what you think ails you, 
then they can bring out a bacillus to suit your 
case. .So the inquiring mind is satisfied, that 
is sufficient.” 

Devil : “ From what you have told me, Mr. 

Cyclist, I verily believe those fellows are get- 
ting off their base, and you will soon have to 
increase the capacity of your insane asylums. 
I see 3^ou have not had the fool killer with you 
for some time. Don’t you think it is about 
time he was coming ? ” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 21 1 

“ Yes, sir. I think he has delayed his visit 
already too long. We are spending too much 
money on fads, theories and fashions.” 

Devil : “ Tell us something about the phar- 

macists. Ain’t they specialists ? ” 

“Yes, sir ; every one of them. They go into 
the woods, dig up some old root that was used 
thousands of years ago, give it a scientific 
name, put an ine or ene to the end of it, then 
call it, ‘ My new discovery put a little of it in 
a bottle, shake it up with syrup, then label it : 
‘ Give for everything. Beware of substitu- 
tions.’ It is the word that makes the charm, 
not the medicine.” 

Devil : “ When on the subject of bacteri- 

ology I dismissed it too soon. You know that 
modern literature is descanting largely on 
this new branch of science, and that it is be- 
coming intensely interesting to men of deep 
thought and enlarged scientific notions.” 

“ Yes, Mr. Devil. Men’s heads seem to be 
turned upside down to get a new idea. Bac- 
teriologists tell us that there is not a yard of 
atmosphere we breathe that is not filled with 
millions of disease germs ; and that if we do 
not sterilize the atmosphere by some of their 


212 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

anticeptics, we will not live out half of our 
days. Indeed, they say that accounts for the 
degeneracy of man. They also say that there 
is not a pint of water that flows from our 
mountain springs that is suitable to use unless 
boiled or treated in some way by science. 
The bread we eat and the milk we drink is 
alive with these jumping, skipping fellows ; 
and that there is death in the pot.” 

Devil : “ Do you not know, Mr. Cyclist, 

that old Dick in his work on science and phil- 
osophy years ago taught, ‘ by looking through 
his microscope,’ that a drop of water contained 
millions of animalcula. Now, as animalcula 
are living creatures, and life lives upon life, 
that theory of sterilization falls to the ground. 
Don’t you know that Dr. Tanner acted upon 
Dick’s suggestion, and lived forty days on 
water ? ” 

Yes, Mr. Devil ; but Dr. Tanner commenced 
dying as soon as he commenced living on wa- 
ter. You know that a man can live on a very 
small quantity of air for some indeflnite time, 
but as he does not use the means to keep him 
living a longer time, he dies in the shorter. 
Now, sir, the old humoralists told us that the 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 213 

blood was made up of animalcula long before 
Dick wrote. Now, if water contains animal- 
cula, and blood is the life of man, is it surpris- 
ing that Tanner lived so long? ” 

Devil: “Mr. Cyclist, I perceive your spe- 
cialists want to occupy the highest seats in the 
synagogue. I should think the old doctors 
would object to this, as they did not come up 
from the ground floor.” 

“ I think, Mr. Devil, they have a reasonable 
objection. Now, before I leave I wish to ask 
you some questions, if you will not think me 
impertinent.” 

Devil : “ By no means, sir ; proceed.” 

“Well, sir, you have had four cyclists down 
here, and they have given you a description of 
their travels around the earth, and of the vari- 
ous scenes they have passed through, with a 
geographical and topographical description of 
places, so far as they were pertinent to your 
enquiries. Now, the question I wish to ask, 
and the only one, is this : Who, if anyone, 
should ride our pet, the bicycle ? ” 

Devil : “ If anyone, an old bachelor, who is 

too stingy and mean to marry ; and an old 


214 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

maid, who is too ugly and cross to get a hus- 
band. These two it can make no worse.” 

“ Mr. Devil, excuse me ; there is another 
thought I wish your decision upon. ’Tis this : 
You know there are many scientific men in St. 
Louis who have been exercising their minds 
greatly over a theory of sound. They wish to 
abolish the old Newtonian wave theory and 
establish the molecular theory of sound. 
Now, this is not strange when scientists say 
there is nothing too high for man’s investiga- 
tion, nor anything too small for his observa- 
tion. I wish to ask your opinion on this 
much mooted question. Which do you be- 
lieve is right ? ” 

“ It seems to me, Mr. Cyclist, they are exer- 
cising their minds about things too high for 
their comprehension. You know there is a 
limitation to thought. The auditory nerve 
was placed in the ears of all animals to hear 
with. If this be absent, no striking on the 
drum will produce a sound, even if struck by 
a sledge hammer or conveyed by the waves of 
a cyclone. Therefore, it makes no difference 
to us how we hear ; so we hear. Don’t you 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 215 

think they had better consume their time in 
something more useful ? 

“ Yes, Mr. Devil ; I think they had.” 

“Now, Mr. Cyclist, if you have no other 
questions to ask, I will dismiss you by saying 
I had a pleasant interview with you, and can 
compliment you on your knowledge of prac- 
tical questions that should engage the minds 
of the wise and thoughtful. I hope you will 
have a pleasant trip back to the surface of the 
earth — the only part that is of any use to 
man ; and the most beautiful landscape your 
eyes ever beheld, or ever will behold, unless 
you go to that beautiful country where light, 
life and immortality are so beautifully de- 
scribed in that book of books — the Bible. 
Now, when you get back there and tell what 
you know about the center of the earth, aren’t 
you afraid you will throw the people into 
hysterics ? ” 

“ Yes, sir ; many of the women at least.” 

Devil: “Mrs. Cyclist, before dismissing 

you I have a word to say. There is a new in- 
vention, called x-rays, up in yonr country that 
seems to be exciting the minds, not only of 
honest investigators, but the rabble as well. 


Zj6 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

The invention is used for a sideshow to make 
money. Mrs. Cyclist, let us look into this in- 
vention a little and see of what use it will be 
to humanity. The surgeons are much carried 
away with it, as it will reveal a bul- 
let when hidden in places that cannot be 
found by the probe. This I think legitimate 
and proper. But will it stop there? Won’t 
the blackguard buy them for the purpose of 
looking into the internal economy of man and 
woman ? For instance, they might use them in 
the same manner that the opera glasses are 
used. What would you think of a man who 
was viewing your whole internal improve- 
ments while your eyes were fixed on the actor, 
disclosing to his view all the malformations, if 
any you have? Then, upon the contrary, 
some jealous woman would be looking at your 
husband with the same view. Don’t you see, 
many marriages might be broken up and 
many hideous pictures presented, that, by an 
association of ideas, man and woman would 
become the most grotesque spectacles ever pro- 
duced ? ” 

“Yes, sir ; I question very much whether it 
would not be ten times a greater disadvantage 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 217 

to humanity than it would be of advantage to 
the surgeon. But I fear if the thing takes on 
the craze, there will not be good people enough 
to stop it. Mr. Devil, what God has made oc- 
cult, let no man make apparent.” 

“But, Mrs. Cyclist, you know the old quota- 
tion, ‘Whom the gods would destroy, they first 
make mad.’ ” 

Mrs. Cyclist: “I hold the profession of 
medicine in high repute, but think it should 
advance on legitimate lines, and push nature’s 
laws to full development.” 

“ Mrs. Cyclist, I have just received a copy 
of the Literary Digest^ with an article, ‘ The 
Clergy and the Bicycle.’ As I wish to bring 
this conversation down to date, I will quote a 
few lines : 

“ ‘ The English papers have recently been 
much exercised over the question of the pro- 
priety of bicycle riding by the clergy, and 
especially by bishops. * * * The conclu- 

sion seems to be that the clergy may ; the 
bishops — well, doubtful; the archbishops, oh, 
no; never! It would be infra dig — beneath 
the dignity — to ride. But dignity is largely 
a question of age and custom. * * * Al- 


2 i 8 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

ready we are told Cardinal Satolli is riding on 
the wheel, but secretly and not to the public 
gaze.’ ” 

We think the cardinal rides the wheel as 
he takes his bath. While it is good for his 
health, it would be immodest to take it in pub- 
lic. He could not better condemn the immoral- 
ity of the wheel than advising it to be used in 
secret. Therefore we must come to the conclu- 
sion that the cardinal is shocked to see one of 
his female parishioners in high life on a wheel 
a dusty day, when the wind is blowing her 
short skirt a little too high for modesty ; 
though the cardinal might say, If the ladies 
may do that, why should the men be 
ashamed? The men can afford to look at a 
woman whenever she chooses to expose her- 
self.” 

Mrs. Cyclist : ‘‘ It is said, ‘ There be many 

servants nowadays that break away from their 
masters.’ ” 

“ Mrs. Cyclist, as you have already said 
that ladies may ride the wheel, but that you 
did not consider it ladylike, would you per- 
mit me to give you a short treatise on 
morality ? ” 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 219 

“ Certainly, sir. I always wish to hear the 
truth.” 

Devil: ‘'Well, we read in the Bible the 
first injunction for modesty, when Adam and 
Eve found themselves naked. It was sug- 
gested by both at the same time that they 
should cover the parts of their bodies which 
should not be exposed to their constant view. 
The principle of modesty was taught by the 
Jews, and was held in the highest estimation 
of all the virtues. Moses taught it in his 
divine law, and as God spoke by the mouth of 
Moses, we must consider it a divine injunction. 
This cardinal principle, which had the effect of 
preserving the primitive man and woman, and 
lifting them above the animal creation, is no 
less potent today than in the time of Moses. 
It is a natural law imprinted upon our minds 
by our special creation. The animals do not 
regard this law. Why ? Because it was never 
given to them. They have no intelligence to 
discriminate between modesty and immod- 
esty. The animal carries out its immod- 
est life in his every day exercises, but 
his natural habits do not shock the nerves 
of the most fastidious. In our day have we 


220 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

not departed from the line of pure modesty ? 
Which sex is to blame for this departure ? 
The woman says the man. The man says the 
woman. We say both. Acts that are con- 
sidered by both as perfectly legitimate mod- 
esty in this day would have been horrifying 
forty years ago. What law is it that pre- 
serves mankind pure, if it is not the law of 
modesty ? The violation of this law has de- 
graded man and woman to their present back- 
ward step in morals and manners of the pres- 
ent age. The purity of society as well as the 
individual depends upon keeping this divine 
law. What has given rise to the nude woman 
upon the stage ? Violated modesty. What 
has given rise to the thin gossamer dress of 
the athlete ? Violated modesty. What gave 
rise to the infamous exhibition at the World’s 
Fair, in which man and woman participated 
with a gusto ? Immodest acts. What position 
is the woman assuming today that would have 
been considered immodest in the last two 
decades ? The nude state upon the stage and 
the immodest posture upon the bicycle. 
Should the law of modesty be violated, though 
it be endorsed by a portion of those who can 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 221 

not see an impure act because they do not 
wish to see it ? 

Madam, from what I have seen, heard and 
read of your craze, the bicycle, I have come to 
the conclusion that it is a disease by no means 
confined to youth, as with whooping cough to 
children, but successfully attacks those of 
riper years, whose common sense and common 
morals are supposed to be proof against as- 
sault. 

“An age has the same poetic pleasure in 
recalling its early days as a man has in re- 
calling his youth. We are now attempting to 
bring back the Olympian games — re-birth by 
bicycle. This advance in sport is simply ‘ a 
sailing back against the current of time, as it 
were, to reunite the cut cables of history.’ 

“ Mrs. Cyclist, I would like to ask you an- 
other question.” 

“Proceed, sir.” 

“ Do you think when a young lady is sit- 
ting on the bicycle astride that she is a silk 
robed beauty? ” 

“No, sir; by no means. She is a com- 
moner.” 


222 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

“ Mr. Cyclist, as this has been a desultory 
conversation, may I not call your attention to 
the injurious effects upon the heart of riding 
the bike with the mouth open. Does it not in- 
dicate that the heart and lungs have been sub- 
jected to undue strain ? ” 

“ Mr. Devil, I perceive you are a physiologist. 
I suppose you are correct, but as I told you at 
first, I was a common sense man and have na 
experience in that direction, as I never ride 
fast, and never with my mouth open to catch 
the dust of a filthy street.’’ 

Devil : ‘‘ Now, Mr. Cyclist, I would ask you 

what relation man bears to his fellowman ? Is 
it not fraternalism ? What does fraternalism 
mean ? Does it not mean a duty paramount to 
all others to embody the principles of equity 
and strict equality between the different ages 
to make provision whereby one does not re- 
ceive an undue advantage over his fellows ? 

“ This is fraternalism in an elevated form. 
If we ignore these features, if we go along 
temporizing with the present only, the future 
has terrors in store for us, and those we mis- 
lead will be a constant reproach to us for not 
having performed our full duty. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 223 

“ Now, Mr. Cyclist, don’t you tliink the bi- 
cycle has terrors in future for you Ameri- 
cans ? ” 

“ It would seem so, really, Mr. Devil. 

“ Mr. Devil, as this will be the last interview 
we live people will ever have with a live devil, 
I wish to ask you some more questiens. What 
do you think about ministers riding the 
wheel ? ” 

Devil : “ I think they had better be climb- 

ing up on Jacob’s ladder; it will give them 
sufficient exercise. And as it is said to be a 
long ladder, reaching beyond the sun (ninety- 
five millions of miles), it would take them their 
natural life to get on the first round, though 
they went at the speed of the bike. 

“ Now, Mr. Cyclist, I wish to ask you some 
hard questions. Haven’t you some medical 
experts who give testimony concerning in- 
sanity?” 

“Yes, sir. They are men who have a tech- 
nical knowledge of psychology, who are 
twisted and shaped by the shrewd, cunning 
lawyer. They always lean to the side of their 
legal friend, if he is on the side of the defense 
and the client has a long purse. He can use 


224 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

the word ‘ monomaniac,’ although this term has 
been discarded long ago by honest investi- 
gators of diseased actions of the brain.” 

A case has recently come up in one of the 
English courts of a Mrs. Castle, who was ar- 
rested as a shop lifter. The expert tried to 
prove that she was a kleptomaniac, but this 
did not win before an English court. 

Query: Wouldn’t it have won before an 
American court, since it had one hundred and 
fifty thousand dollars to back it ? Has there 
ever been a case of any kind that this amount 
would not have saved the neck or the reputa- 
tion of a criminal or a felon ? We ask for the 
records. If my information is correct, you 
will find all the rich that steal are klepto- 
maniacs, and all the poor are thieves, though 
it be a poor man who cannot find honest labor 
and steals a cabbage head to take to his mis- 
erable hut to feed his starving orphan children. 
This shows the power of money, which can be 
used for evil as well as good. To show you 
that money is power, we will give an instance 
of a rich murderer in New Orleans who killed 
a poor honest man in a drunken fit. ’Tis this : 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 225 

Felix Grundy, the great criminal lawyer of 
Tennessee, was employed by this rich man to 
defend him. There was but one witness to the 
orime, and he a poor dray driver. Grundy 
went to New Orleans to see this man. He 
dressed himself in old ragged clothes, and put 
on his head a long haired wig, then a slouch 
hat, and with an old stick in his hand, person- 
ifying an old farmer, proceeded to lind the 
drayman. Finding him upon Canal street 
driving his dray with a heavy load, he called 
to him to stop, when he commenced question- 
ing him about the murder. The man said he 
had no time to talk about the matter, as he was 
in a hurry to deliver his load, but if he would 
come to his house that night (giving him the 
street and description of the house, as houses 
were not numbered in that day) he would tell 
him all about it. Grundy kept his eye upon 
the man all day, so that he could see who 
talked to him and hear what they said. He 
did not register his name or put up at the St. 
Charles, but took his dinner at one of those 
cheap eating houses in the suburbs of the city, 
close to where the man could see him. Night 
came on, and after the man had unharnessed his 


226 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

horse and put him in the stable and fed him, 
he went to the well and, drawing some fresh 
water, proceeded to wash his hands and face. 
Thus cleansed, he walked to his dining room, 
which was in the kitchen, and partook of a 
supper prepared and spread for him bv his old 
fashioned housewife. Grundy saw all this. 
While honesty was revolving in the man’s 
brain, perhaps thinking of he who had so ruth- 
lessly accosted him in the morning and to 
conjecture what it all meant, Grundy was cogi- 
tating in his own mind how he should proceed 
to steal information from him to clear his 
client. After supper the man drew up a stool 
by his lazy lire, and after giving one or two 
yawns and a grunt, settled himself, when in 
walked Grundy. He made a rude bow and ex- 
tended his hand for a shake. The driver 
seized his paw, and with a “come in” and 
“ sit down,” asked him if he was the man he 
saw in the morning. 

He replied, “ I am,” and commenced his 
story. 

“Did you- see Mr. when he killed that 

poor man on Canal street ? ” queried Grundy. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 227 

“ Yes, sir. I was the only one who saw him. 
They had me before the court, and I told all 
about it, and they sent him to jail to stay until 
he should be tried for his life ; and if his neck 
don’t break I don’t know the reason why.” 

Grundy said : “I am an old man, as you see, 
poor, and have only five dollars to my name. 
I am a close kinsman of that poor honest 
John, as you call him. I know you are like 
myself, poor, and have to work hard for your 
living. Now, I will give you this five dollars 
if you will be sure to go to court and testify 
what you have told me.” 

“ No, I don’t want to take your money, for I 
shall tell just what I have told you.” 

“ But,” said Grundy, “ for fear you might 
forget something you have said, if you will tell 
it over so I can write it down — though I am no 
scholar, I can write so we can read it — and for 
this I will give you the five dollars.” 

The man consented, and Grundy wrote. 

The evidence all goes to prove the man 
guilty of the foulest murder. 

He got his signature to the evidence and an 
acknowledgement of the sum paid. After ex- 
changing a few words, and with tears in his 


228 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

eyes — for you know a criminal lawyer has two 
tear sacks in his eyes — he left the premises. 
He went to the St. Charles, took a bath, 
dressed himself in his fine lawyer’s clothes, 
took olf his wig and his false whiskers, and 
went to the barber shop and had a shave. He 
strutted about town with his gold headed cane 
for a few da3^s, waiting for court to open. The 
day arrived, and Grundy made his appearance, 
but as much disguised to the fellow as when 
in his hut, for the man did not know him. 
After the preliminaries of the court were over, 
the case was called. Grundy answered for the 
defense. He sat on the inside of the bar, 
which at that time was a rough plank stand, 
closed in by rough palings. He looked de- 
mure, sad — perhaps thinking over his ras- 
cality. The man’s name was called, and he 
took the oath that he would tell the truth and 
nothing but the truth, so help him, God. He 
told nothing but the truth. The spectators and 
relatives sat with long faces and downcast 
heads, thinking there was no earthly chance 
for the murderer, as there was no one else to 
testify. Every word was conclusive of his guilt. 
They had given it up, when Grundy arose. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 229 

and with that grave, fierce like eye, which one 
always has to assume when he knows he is en- 
gaged in a mean rascally trick, commenced 
by saying he would like to ask the witness a 
question, and, addressing himself to the judge, 
said, “And only one.” 

He read the testimony, which was verbatim 
what the man had told him. Turning to the 
man he asked him if he had not given the tes- 
timony as it was written. 

He replied : “ Yes.” 

Then he showed him his signature, and 
asked if it was not his, to which he replied in 
the affirmative. 

Turning to the judge, he said: “Please 
your honor, you see this man was paid to 
make this statement,” which was all a base 
fabrication and amounted to nothing, “ and I 
claim for my client a release, for there is no 
evidence as you all see against him.” 

The case was given to the jury with the 
court’s instructions. They were out but a few 
minutes, and returned a verdict of not guilt3^ 
Whereupon a shout went up from his friends 
and relatives more vociferous if possible than 
that of the crowd when Barabbas, the thief 


230 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 

and murderer, was released by Pilate. But did 
the guilty murderer ever have the remorse of 
conscience Marie Corelli says Barabbas had ? 
Possibly he did, and, like Barabbas, confessed 
his sin and received pardon. 

Query: Are the judges and lawyers in this 
advanced civilization and Christianity more 
religious and just than they were fifty years 
ago? Are they doing judgment and justice? 
Are they not taking the gold for the blood of 
the martyr ? 

If there had been one of our medical experts 
in those days who could have made a drunken 
murderer a “ dipsomaniac,” would it have cost 
the man ten thousand dollars to have been 
cleared ? Couldn’t the lawyer have given the 
expert one thousand dollars and placed the 
crime upon his shoulders ? This can ail be 
done in the present day, why not in the past? 

Another species of insanity the legal profes- 
sion is using the medical experts for, “mono- 
mania,” although discarded as before men- 
tioned, is still being insisted upon by men of 
legal acumen. It means go crazy on anything 
you wish when you want to commit a crime. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 231 

A case not long ago appeared upon the rec- 
ords of a certain court where a man killed an- 
other. Though he shot him down in hot 
blood, the cause perhaps being justifiable ; yet, 
while the cause was sufficient to save his neck, 
it was not deemed sufiicient to save him from 
a long term in the penitentiary. No plea 
could be offered to save him from this impris- 
onment but that of insanity. This his lawyers 
told him to plead. As the man had never 
given any evidence of insanity, and no one 
who knew him could point to a single instance 
of even aberration, yet upon trial this man 
was proven by a medical expert to be a mono- 
maniac, and was cleared. He has never shown 
any symptoms of insanit}^ since, but on the 
contrary is a shrewd business man. He was 
rich and infiuential. This was taken from a 
a medical journal, advising the profession not 
to be used in such a scandalous manner. 

“Mr. Devil, this is no fad; it is a scientific 
absurdity. If it were a fad we would be 
pleased to have a good sound kicker, who will 
show his teeth when fad after fad comes up 
and goes down, as we hope the bicycle fad 
with others will do.’’ 


232 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory » 

“ Mr. Cyclist, are there no fads in the pro- 
fession of medicine ? ” 

“ Yes, sir. In a former part of this book 
many were mentioned ; many more could be, 
had we time.” 

“ Now, Mr. Cyclist, I wish to send an address 
to your women in America. 

ADDRESS. 

“ When God drove Adam out of Paradise 
and put him in the world outside of the Gar- 
den of Eden, he wrote in letters of fire on his 
forehead these words : ‘ In the sweat of thy 

brow thou shalt earn thy bread.’ He did not 
write anything on pretty Miss Eve’s forehead. 
Her work was not to involve much labor. The 
garden was filled with all the tropical fruits — 
apples, pears, peaches, plums, apricots, 
oranges, grapes and every other fruit known to 
man, and every vegetable that grew out of the 
earth ; for remember, all our seed came from 
this garden. 

“ There was a tree in this garden called the 
bread tree. The outer part of this tree Adam 
could take off by the sweat of his brow and 
eat the tender fiber. He gathered all the fruit 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 233 . 

and brought it to the tent, so Eve had nothing 
to do but to place the fruit and bread upon the 
table and sew her fig leaves. Sewing was her 
first occupation, and all the young Eves should 
have kept it up. 

“ This fruit was perennial, for there was no 
snow to fall on the ground. The temperature 
ranged but two degrees above temperate, so 
he had no wood to get or fires to kindle. 
Now, you see Adam did not have much to do,, 
and therefore sweat but little. As Eve did not 
have much work to do outside of her tent, she 
was not fatigued enough to sweat. Therefore, 
God did not write those lines upon her fore- 
head. 

“ Now, as time came on down, and seeing the 
sleek, fat little lambs skipping about, it made 
Adam’s mouth water, and he concluded to kill 
a kid ; but he had nothing to kill it with, so he 
took some loose iron, pounded it together and 
made a knife. Now, he was to slay the beast, 
but not let Eve know it, for fear of shocking 
her nervous system and* throwing her into 
spasms. So he drove the kid into a thick 
bush which caught it by the horns, and he 
cut its throat. This Avas the first time blood 


234 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

was spilled in the Grarden of Eden. This was 
long before Cain killed his brother Abel. Per- 
haps if Adam had not made that first knife, 
Abel would not have been killed, and we 
would not have had our knives, nor our bowie 
knives, which we slay men with. 

“Now, back to this kid. Adam killed it 
and dressed the meat, and gave it to Eve to 
cook ; but she had no vessel to cook it in, so 
she cut it in pieces with Adam’s knife and 
placed on the fire. This was the first time she 
sweat, and the Eves have been sweating over 
the fire ever since, and sewing not fig leaves, 
but cotton and wool fiber. This improvement 
went on for some time, when it occured to 
A-dam that Eve should have some sort of ves- 
sel to fry the kid in ; and as the garden was 
made of the purest clay, he bethought himself 
to make a mold, one out of wood, and place 
some wet clay in it, then to break the wood 
and put the clay into the sun to harden. In 
this way the first skillet was made. When he 
brought it to Eve sh§ was much pleased, and 
laughed to think she could fry the meat with- 
out burning her hands. 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 235 

“ Now, Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel sat 
d.own at the table to enjoy the rich repast Eve 
had provided. But before eating, Adam asked 
a blessing and thanked God for giving him 
such a wonderful inventive genius. This was 
the first blessing that was ever asked. 

“Now Adam found his work increased, and 
he had to sweat more. As Adam had made a 
knife and a skillet. Eve thought he could 
make something with which to spin thread 
that would be stouter than the vegetable fiber 
she was using, so she put at Adam to make 
her a spinning wheel. Adam worked at this 
for some time before he brought it to perfec- 
tion. The wheel perfected, fiber must be pro- 
vided. As there was a cottonwood tree in the 
garden that was constantly throwing off long 
flakes of cotton wool, he went out and gath- 
ered some of it and brought it to Eve. She 
put some of it on the wheel and commenced 
turning it. The thread spun on the wheel was 
rather coarse, but a great improvement on the 
fig stems. Adam worked on his invention un- 
til he made a spindle. Now Eve was satisfied. 
She had a spinning wheel. And this ought 
never to have been taken away from her great 


236 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

grandchildren. Eve was happy. And as she 
drew out the thread and paced up to the spin- 
dle, she would sing one of those rural songs 
so sweet and clear and full of melody. 
Eve found her duties multiplied, for she had 
the tent to sweep, which she did with some 
dry grass found in the corner of the garden. 

“ They were without a table, for they sat on 
the ground to eat their meals, as the Chinese 
do to this day. But Adam, full of ingenuity, 
made a bench. It was rough at first, but 
answered the purpose very well. The skillet 
was set on this bench by Eve, and all the 
family dipped their fingers in and extracted 
the meat which they ate with the bread tree 
fiber. 

“ In this time Adam’s family had increased 
considerably, and the children wore out the 
fig leaf clothing too fast, so Adam invented 
the loom. This pleased Eve better than any- 
thing he had made. She now had the skillet, 
spinning wheel and the loom. She was so 
much pleased that she hardly had time to sit 
on the bench. 

“ It occurred to Adam about this time that 
a vessel should be made to heat water, as the 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 237 

skillet could not be cleansed with cold water. 
Therefore he made a kettle. It had no top and 
was open mouthed. This fine clay was again 
resorted to, for be it remembered that this 
clay became harder by heat. The pot or ket- 
tle completed, the water put in, the heat ap- 
plied the water boiled, and the skillet was 
washed and thoroughly cleansed.” 

May the doctors not have caught this idea 
from Adam, as they advise hot water for the 
destruction of contagious germs? 

“As Eve was eating an apple one day, she let 
it fall into this boiling water, and on taking it 
out found it tasted much better than when raw, 
so she thought she would astonish and please 
Adam by making some dumplings for his din- 
ner. She got some of the sweetest bark of the 
bread tree and wrapped it around the apple 
and placed it in the pot. It cooked nicely, and 
she tasted it and found it nice. She said, 
‘Adam and the children will enjoy this I 
know,’ and she was happy. She found she 
could make many uses of this pot. It would 
boil the cabbage, turnips, beans and all other 
vegetables and fruits that were improved by 
cooking. Eve thought her household affairs 


238 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

were complete, and she rejoiced at her ad- 
vancement in culinary knowledge, and sug- 
gested many other improvements Adam could 
perfect that would make housekeeping both 
agreeable and useful. 

“As the forest began to give way by the 
dying of the trees and the clearing up of the 
land, the air commenced getting colder and 
the children’s feet were likely to get frost bit- 
ten, so Adam betook himself to thinking 
again. And it occurred to him to take the 
skin of the kid and make a pair of moccasins 
for the oldest boy, who had to go with him in 
the cold, thinking more of the comfort of the 
boy than he had thought of himself.” 

Different in our day, for we think more 
of our own comfort than that of our chil- 
dren. This was the first shoe that was 
made, and all the Adamites have been 
making them ever since. But the ques- 
tion is. Have they improved either on the 
comfort or utility of Adam’s first shoe ? 
Isn’t the Indian moccasin the most comforta- 
ble shoe that is worn, and, trimmed with the 
beads, is the most beautiful? No man or wo- 
man wearing these will have corns on his or 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 239 

her feet. No last is required to make these 
shoes. They were made to fit the foot, not the 
foot to fit the shoe. Here we have the first 
shoemaker. 

“ Eve put the girls to spinning, as the family 
had increased so fast she could not do the 
spinning and weaving for all. The girls 
learned to spin, and took as much delight in 
the exercise as did their mother, learning her 
tunes and catching her step.” 

There never has been a yard of cloth 
made since Eve wove the first yard with 
which so much pains was taken to make 
it durable and comfortable. I have no doubt 
but we have weakened in this respect. For, 
like the copies set by our old teachers, the 
closer we kept our eye on the copy, the better 
we wrote ; the further we got from it, taking 
our eye off, the worse we wrote. So it is that 
every copy set by nature is the best. We 
must go to her to get our knowledge. And as 
an illustration of this fact, has not Dr. Petrie 
shown in his investigations that before the art 
of writing was invented the human mind was 
stronger, and the products brought forward 
superior to anything in our age ? May not this 


240 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

be because it was all done by hand labor, 
when head, heart and hand were educated pari 
passu f Too much machinery makes idlers, too 
many idlers make paupers, too many paupers 
make tramps, too many tramps make peniten- 
tiaries and gallows. I agree with Dr. Petrie 
that the average mind has been weakened by 
our higher education, for where memory is 
weakened there can be no advance. Surely, 
man’s mind is weakened by trying to study 
out the practicability of the many strange 
theories advanced at the present day. But to 
return to Eve. 

“As Adam had invented a chemical that 
would take the hair olf the kid’s hide and 
thereby improve the appearance of the slipper 
— for before this the hair was turned on the in- 
side of the shoe — it became necessary for the 
children to have socks and stockings to keep 
their feet warm. Intuitively she asked Adam 
to invent something that she could use the 
threads with, so he invented the knitting 
needle. Eve then went to work knitting socks 
for the men and boys. Here the women had a 
useful employment, which could be done in- 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 241 

doors and of long winter evenings. It was 
easy work. 

“ Now, as Eve had to take the clothes at a 
distance to a running stream to wash them, 
she thought something could he made- to 
lessen this labor, so she got after Adam again, 
Adam, taking the pot for his guide as it held 
water, made a vessel out of wood that he 
called a tub. Now Eve was set up. She could 
wash the clothes at the house and under the 
shade of a tree, and the boys could bring the 
water from the brook. She taught the girls to 
wash the clothes and hang them in the sun to 
dry. 

“As the clothes were rough and did not look 
well, she put at Adam again. She had tried 
to smoothe them with her hands, but they 
were too light to take out the wrinkles. Adam 
brought the iron ore together and melted it, 
and made a heavy square piece with unpol- 
ished face and a rude handle. Now Eve was 
pleased again, and when he presented it to her 
she cried, ‘ My lord, thou art wise, for thou 
hast considered the hard labor of my hands ! ’ 
and gave him a kiss.” 


242 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

Now, the cooking, spinning, sewing, weaving 
and washing were done by the women, and 
they were contented and satisfied until the 
nineteenth century. Man now became avari- 
cious, and loves gold more than he loves wo- 
man. Seeing the products of her honest labor 
brought more money than his honest hard 
work, he beset himself to stealing her work to 
enrich himself. While she is cooking, he 
steals her knitting and, carrying out Adam’s 
ingenuity, invents a knitting machine — one of 
woman’s avocations gone. He enriches him- 
self, but makes her poor. While she is cook- 
ing on her open fireplace, he invents a stove, 
telling her it is to save her labor, at the same 
time knowing that it is to make him money. 
If it has reduced her labor, it has taken it 
away from the poor woman who never ex- 
pected to get beyond the fireplace, and placed 
in the hands of those who will do their own 
cooking to save money. Adam has stolen half 
of her occupation. 

Query : Does the food cooked on the stove 
taste better, or is it more digestible than that 
cooked on the open fireplace by our old Vir- 
ginia cooks ? 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory, 243 

A lady from the east visited this old 
state ill search of health, and gave it as 
her opinion that there was no comparison be- 
tween the stove cooking and the old skillet 
and oven on the open fireplace, and wondered 
why the stove should ever have been invented. 
The reason for this superior taste of food 
cooked in the old style could be given on 
philosophical principles, but we haven’t time. 
The chief reason is that we wish to do every- 
thing too fast. We want to live as much in a 
day as we ought in a year. 

The knitting and cooking gone and man en- 
riched, what is his next steal ? Invent a loom 
which shall be run by steam, and a spinning 
jenny to spin the thread — two occupations 
gone at one whack. Now all of woman’s hon- 
est occupation is gone — nothing left to her but 
the patching. And for this he applied to the 
patent office, but the good officer refused to 
give it him, stating that man had stolen every- 
thing from woman but the patching, and he 
would not allow our old grandmas to be robbed 
of the only thing they had to make a living 
out of. Where is the woman to go to get hon- 
est employment ? Machinery has taken from 


344 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 

her every employment suitable to her physio- 
logical makeup, and sent her adrift upon the 
world to starve, beg or steal, or, what is worse, 
to put a commercial value on her person and 
sell it as goods and chattel. The wicked 
tradesman will pay much more for her destruc- 
tion than he will for a pair of socks knitted 
by her own fingers. 

What is the duty of the woman today ? To 
try and get back the stolen goods, keep in her 
own line of duty and make man keep in his. 
Then we will hear of less prostitution, fewer 
beggars and fewer divorces ; more of that God 
born independence in woman, and much more 
respect and love for her by man. 

We have given the women plain, common 
sense talk. Will they listen ? Will they, or 
will they prefer to follow the fads and fashions 
of the day, and let down their womanhood 
still below its present standard ? 

‘‘Now, Mr. Cyclist, I will ask you a farewell 
question. As you have now an idea of what 
physical death means, as you know when a 
man dies he is shut out from all light, and 
sensation is at an end, what do you suppose 


Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 245 

he would be thinking about while in the act of 
dying ? ” 

“ Well, sir, I suppose I had the same feeling 
that the dying man has, and I can tell you 
what feeling that was by quoting the last 
words of that great and good man. Dr. McCosh. 
They rushed upon my mind when darkness 
overtook me. These are the lines : 

“ ‘ Farewell, hill and dale, mountain and val- 
ley, river and brook, lake and outflow, forest 
and shady dell, sun and moon, earth and sky ! 
Welcome what unmeasurably exceeds all 
those — heaven with its glory ! heaven with its 
angels, that excel in strength ! heaven with 
the spirits of just men made perfect ! heaven 
with Jesus Himself, so full of tenderness ! 
heaven with the Father, Son and Holy Ghost ! ’ 
This is what I hope to say when that phys- 
ical death overtakes us. Goodbye, Mr. Devil ; 
you have learned me many things of the here- 
after, and I hope we have learned you many 
things going on in the present.” 

“ Goodbye.” 

They leave. The cyclists return to the sur- 
face of the earth, and the devil returns to hell. 


246 Bicycle Road to Hell: An Allegory. 


What is the conclusion of this allegory ? It 
is this, summed up in a nutshell : 

“ The pillars of the earth are the Lord’s, and 
He hath set the earth upon them,” and that 
man will not find them, for he cannot get near 
enough to them to discover them. We have as 
much information about the center of the earth 
as we have of the north pole, and we hope our 
French philosopher will be satisfied with our 
imaginary tunnel to the center of the earth, 
and not put the civilized governments to so 
much expense to discover the unknown, as 
they have been to discover that which their 
false philosophy tanght them could be known. 


















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